“So what did you want to see me about?” I attempt to steer us onto a more productive path.
She laughs and shakes her head, raising her eyes to the ceiling. “Oh, you know, I wanted your opinion on some wallpaper samples…What do you think?” That’s the first time she has really laughed since I can’t remember when. It was pure sarcasm, but my God it’s good to hear.
“You want to talk?” I almost whisper. My fragile state betrayed by my voice. She nods. I look down at my hands. “Good talk, or bad talk?” I know I sound pathetic.
She sighs and, instinctively I look up at her. “I want to hear it all. Start to finish, while I’m looking in your eyes. It’s the only way I’ll ever be sure.”
“That you believe me?” I ask daring to presume this is what she means.
“We will see won’t we?” Her tone is cold, but her gaze intense.
“So when do you want to do this?” I ask, thinking we would schedule some time.
“No time like the present.” She shrugs.
“But…” I stutter, gesturing towards the bar. “I’m working tonight.”
“It’s not even five, you have time.”
I was going to grab some food, but suddenly I’ve lost my appetite. “Okay, but not here.” I look over my shoulder at the guys at the bar. “Can we go upstairs?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to cry down here.” She begins to shuffle herself to standing. Cry?…oh God! I know I can make this right, but I keep forgetting that she’ll have to go to hell and back first. Once she is up, I feel I should help her in some way. It’s so strange, I’ve been going through this as if I’ve been with her the whole time. I know every detail, every appointment, the cans and cant’s. I know the physiotherapy exercises she has to do every day. But I haven’t actually been near her, or tried to help her. I don’t know how much help she even needs and now is not the time to get it wrong.
“Can I do anything?” I ask.
“No, I’ve got it. Can you bring my drink?” So, I pick up her glass and follow her out the back door, across the garden and watch while she puts the code into her door and wrestles it open, all without ever putting her foot to the ground. And that bandage looks really heavy. Ever the control freak. She hands me her crutches without a word and turns to sit on the first stair. Then she starts hoisting herself nimbly up each step.
“Shall I just carry you?” I ask before I think.
She shoots me a disgusted look. “God no! It’s humiliating enough that you have to see me do it this way.” Then she continues in silence, leaving me feeling terrible for humiliating her further. “I can do it you know… standing up.” She’s seething. I try not to watch her, I don’t want her to feel worse. She continues her rant. “Mum’s stairs were no problem, it’s just these. They’re really steep.”
“Sorry,” I whisper. She ignores me. After an excruciating couple of minutes she is on the top step. She holds out her hand for her crutches and uses them to hop up the last step. Once we are in I relax. I set her drink down on the table and wait while she settles in.
“Alright,” she says as I sit in the armchair, “let’s hear it.” She looks at me with pleading eyes. Pleading me not to hurt her further. I can do that.
Chapter Nine
Danny
It’s not for nothing Liv, why can’t you see that?
“But you never showed up.” I shrug, looking to Liv, as I finish recounting what turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. “Then I found all your stuff had gone.” I look away from her intense stare, fearing the emotions would consume me. “I was crushed.” I swallow hard. Nothing will hold these feelings from the surface and I half laugh as I wipe the tears from my face. “Sorry.”
I watch her, she too wipes a tear away but doesn’t speak.
“I knew I’d lost you, I just misunderstood the reason why.” I sniff. “I never would have waited if I knew it was Brooke. I would have chased you.”
“So why did you think I left?” She croaks.
I shake my head. “Stupid insecurities,” I say, hoping she won’t probe any further. I’m not ready to talk about it, not with her.
She sighs. I wait for her to give some kind of verdict, she is impossible to read at times.
“I’m going to need more than that Danny. Whatever it is you thought I'd done was enough for you to wash your hands of me. I think I deserve to know what it is.” Her eyes are hard with determination.
I roll my head, my muscles are so tense from the stress. I need to word this in such a way that she doesn’t find out about the ring. She will never know about that, not until the day I finally give it to her and today is not that day. “I thought you left because you freaked out about our future.”
She tilts her head, trying to understand. She waits for more.
“I thought you realised that we were about to start a life together and you got scared. I thought you just ran. I thought you didn’t love me.”
“What did I do to make you think that?” She sounds exasperated.
“You ran with no explanation. I guess it’s a deep-rooted fear of mine.” I shrug. “It’s not rational, but how it ended with us before...it left me very insecure.”
She shakes her head. “Apparently how it ended with us before didn’t go how either of us wanted.” She raises her eyebrows expectantly. “But it’s the past. I want to talk about this, now.” She points back and forth between us.
Hope swells inside me, she is talking like there is still an us.
“There is only something to talk about if you believe me,” I say quietly. Laying it bare. This is the moment that it could all end. “Do you?” I whisper.
Her face changes. The hardness fades and whatever comes out of her mouth next is unimportant because her expression has just told me everything I need to know. We are going to be okay.
“Danny, I can’t just go back to trusting you, even if I do believe your story. It doesn’t work that way.”
“That’s not what I asked,” I say quickly. “Trust has to be earned, I know that. But do you believe me?”
Slowly, without taking her eyes off mine, she begins to nod her head. Every hair on my body stands on end and I feel the wave of relief surge over me. I drop my face into my hands and sigh. It’s a sense of comfort that I thought may never return. A single tear rolls down my face. I swipe it away as I return my eyes to hers. “Thank you,” I whisper. Then I smile as my body relaxes. “If you believe me, it will be okay.”
She hardens up again. “No, it won’t Danny, I can’t trust you.”
“Yes, you can, Liv, I’ll show you.” I smile not convinced by her hard exterior.
“How?”
“Don’t worry about it, it will take time, but I’m in for the long-haul.” I carefully lean forward until I could reach out and touch her, but I hold off. She stays put. “I will earn your trust back and we will be okay. I just want you to know that. I just need to know one thing.” I reach across and touch her knee. “Do you still love me?”
She twists her fingers together and closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they burn straight into mine. She nods resolutely. She can’t say the words, but I will take it. I smile as my tears start to fall.
I slide off my chair, drop to my knees in front of her and clasp both of her hands in mine, pressing my forehead against them as they rest in her lap. Briefly, I allow the emotion to overtake me. As a sob shakes my body, I feel her fingers slide into my hair. It’s just comfort, nothing else, but it shows she cares. I didn’t think I would ever feel her touch again. It’s too much to take. I snap my head up and pull back. I want her, I want to be with her again, make us close again. But I can’t. We have time to make this right...I want to do it right, not like this. We are both too fragile. I pull myself back into my chair and wipe my face.
“Sorry,” I murmur.
She wipes her eyes with a tissue and hands me the box. We both compose ourselves. Minutes pass while we assess each other. I get a hold of myself, watching her for a clue as to what she is thinking.
“So what now?” she asks, a resigned look on her face. I was right not to take it any further just a minute ago, she's not anywhere near ready.
