Beautifully Awake

I tugged the sheet up to my chin and shut my eyes. Too mad to cry. I cried enough. I cried a lifetime of tears. Control was stolen from me once before, there was no way I was allowing it again. Our relationship was not ending like this. He deserved my truth and I deserved his.

So I did take Monday off, but not because he told me to. I needed the pause. Technically it was the start of my new rotation and I called in sick. Instead of work, I ran until my legs felt like jelly and spent the rest of the day shopping, even though I didn’t need a thing. Chase had filled my wardrobe with enough new clothes to last several seasons. Instead I shopped for Sierra’s baby. And did I ever, enough to last her several seasons.

A text came in as I was paying for my coffee.

Gone for the week on business

Leaving after work. -CC

Where r u?

CC is obviously doing just fine without me.

I plopped down at a table outside of Starbucks and fiddled with my packages, pretending I wasn’t obsessively waiting or willing my phone to chime back. But there was no response. Nothing, that was it. Bullshit. He never mentioned a business trip, probably because it was never planned. Was he kidding me? He was treating me like a stranger. Maybe that’s exactly what we were. Strangers. Conveniently fucking.

Tuesday morning came way too early. Back in heels and trying to pull myself together, I stopped by Jorge’s cart and picked up a latte. Along with Chase, I hadn’t seen my personal Starbucks delivery since we got back from Wrangel. Not that I cared about losing the little luxury, I didn’t. It was a bit over the top to begin with, but I had to admit that his small gesture put a smile on my face every day. It showed he was thinking about me. It was stupid, but it made me feel ... special.

I went directly to my office to let the morning rush die down. Pediatrics was more laid back and I wasn’t responsible for rounding in the morning. I planned to hide out for a little bit before I met up with the new team.

“Hey! There you are. How’re you feeling?” Kate knocked and walked in, all smiles. “Where were you guys yesterday? Everything okay?”

“I called out sick, needed a mental health day.” It was the truth.

“What about Chase?”

I was confused. “What about Chase?”

“Well, just that it was weird that the on-call neurosurgeon covered his cases yesterday. Supposedly Chase, um … called in sick.” Kate needed to work on being subtle. “I assumed you two were together...” Her voice got quieter, until I almost couldn’t hear her.

I was totally unprepared for any “us” questions, so I attempted playing it off. “Why would you think that?” Then it hit me, hard. “Wait ... Chase wasn’t here yesterday?”

My mind reeled with questions, one in particular. I had read those damn texts a thousand times. There was no confusion. Gone for the week, leaving after work. He lied to me. Damn, he freaking ... lied. But why? I felt a sharp ache beneath my breastbone. An actual ache.

“Don’t be mad, but you know how Leanne has a huge mouth, right?”

I scrunched my eyes and grimaced.

“She kind of told all of us how you had to go home to testify at some trial and that ... Chase might have gone with you.” It sounded more like a question than a statement.

“What do you mean by all of us?” I was fully aware of Leanne’s big mouth, but she wouldn’t broadcast her suspicions about us to the entire hospital. Would she? Shit.

Kate’s creased brow said it all. “Saturday night when we were all at Rosa’s for the end of rotation happy hour … Leanne might have, kind of, mentioned that you and Chase might be-”

I knew she was trying to be tactful, but her pause was really irritating.

“Anyway, it was ... sort of the whole team. Jackson, Guy, Sam and his wife, and a couple of other fifth floor nurses ... are you mad?”

“No. I’m not mad, Kate.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “It’s fine. Look, I’m happy you told me but I wish Leanne never said anything.” I really, really wished. “But just so you know, the situation between Chase and me ... um, it’s ... nothing.” My chest heaved with a piercing pain. I actually said it was nothing … we were nothing. It was everything, at least to me. I tuned out everything around me, allowing all our playful moments to briefly flash like a slide show. He really just walked away like it never happened. Fuck!

“Hey, are you okay? Where’d you go? You totally spaced on me. Want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” I whispered. Now who was the liar? “I just have to go, I have a lot to do before I meet the peds team up on seven.”

Kate’s round eyes widened, and she pursed her lips together as if to say bullshit. I just didn’t have it in me to explain. Not yet. “I’ll see ya later.”

August was here and I was finally off Chase’s service. Ironically, I pushed for discretion and put a date on going “public” with our relationship when he wanted to tell the world about us and claim me as his own from the beginning. And now I was left solo, fielding questions about us with no answers. Chase was gone, who knew where. This sucked. All of it.

The elevator felt like the local train on the way up to seven, stopping on every floor. I sipped my coffee, adding to the inferno already burning my insides. He lied. But why? It wasn’t an insignificant detail he forgot to mention. He blatantly lied. My finger hovered over Chase’s name on my contact list, under ‘favorites’ no less, while I debated calling him out, wanting him to eat his own phrase, truth.

The elevator opened on five. Guy stepped on. “Doll.” He seemed surprised to see me.

“Hi, you.” I smiled.

“Missed you on Saturday night.” His sentiment was so genuine it almost annoyed me. Of course, I had to fall for Dr. Freaking Mystery. “Hey, is everything okay ... with all that legal stuff you had to deal with ... and with Chase?” He stuttered as if he was nervous to ask.

However, the topic was not up for discussion. Not now. Not ever. My chest tightened, as the elevator walls seemed to be closing in. With nowhere to go I shifted my weight and pressed my back into the corner. Damn, it was awkward.

“Um, Guy, why are you even in here?” I waved at the elevator control panel while Guy looked confused. “You’re a surgeon, right? Shouldn’t you be taking the damn stairs?”

Recognition coated his eyes and he laughed out loud, flashing his adorable dimple. “I gotcha, doll. Glad you’re back, though. Resident schedules got all screwed up. Sam and I are with Colton another month, so I’m sure we’ll see you around.” Guy believed I was with Chase. Well, I was, or maybe I wasn’t. “Hey Lil, it’s your floor.”

I didn’t realize the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I stepped off and turned back, hoping he could read between my lines. “Thanks, Guy.” For not drilling me. For being a friend. For always being so sweet.

“Anytime, doll.” Yeah, he read me.

By Friday morning, I was as physically run down as I was emotionally. Literally. I was so dehydrated that I even gave myself a UTI. Between dozens of trips to the bathroom to pee razor blades and the hours I logged in my sneakers ruminating over the days of radio silence, the Central Park loop would have been a freaking cake-walk. All communication with Chase had gone dead. I last texted him Wednesday night, but I still hadn’t gotten a response to we need to talk?

I kept envisioning how angry he was right after court. And how he morphed into a stranger by the time I stepped out of his car Saturday night. He was ... vacant. His eyes were empty. They were devoid of emotion, no feeling. I had suffered through this week without him long enough. I needed to see him whether he wanted to see me or not. It wasn’t a choice.

I stepped outside for the first time all week and let the warm sun bathe my face. I had spent every other lunch break this week choking down crackers and hiding in my office. The unwavering, tight knot in my stomach wreaked havoc on my GI tract.

“Lili?” The voice was vaguely familiar so I turned around and saw bright green eyes shining in my direction.