I parked Randy’s truck in its spot in my driveway and without climbing out, I dialed Liz’s number. It had been far too long since we has caught up, and a little bit of guilt waded into my mind. I figured she would be able to give me some idea on how Walker was feeling without making me seem like a spy, which kind of made me feel bad, but I really needed to figure all this out and fast. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live like this and frankly, I was sick of it.
I smiled when I heard a warm voice greet me from the other end of the line. “Oh, Margret! How wonderful to hear from you,” she sighed a little with relief. “You know we’ve missed you? How is it that we’re neighbors and still we barely get the pleasure of your company?”
I forced a giggle. “You know how busy work can get for me and all.” I trailed off for a second before continuing. “I miss you guys, too.”
“Will you please come visit soon? How about dinner sometime in the near future?”
“Of course Liz, we’ll plan for dinner soon!”
I loved that she was making plans without forcing me into a committed time. Liz was great about trying to make as little pressure for me as possible. I knew I had an open invitation to their home anytime I wanted, but knowing they wanted to see me helped relax me and put my mind at ease.
We continued to small talk about the new sweater she found on sale for seventy percent off, and how Jim was still fighting off retirement, saying that he’d go crazy cooped up in the house.
Finally, I was able to butt into the conversation. Gaining enough confidence I choked out, “How’s Walker been doing, Liz?”
Her voice turned almost sad. “He’s moping around again, scared that you’re mad at him and all. I won’t pry though. Your relationship is something I never wanted to get into the middle of. You know though, Mags, he’s a good one.”
Her choice in words was strange to me. I couldn’t help but wonder what Walker had told her. I tussled my hair angrily at the thought of what Walker might have actually divulged. Liz was Randy’s mother. He had no business bringing her into this. But, maybe he hadn’t. He could have just told her that we didn’t work out as roommates.
I ended the call telling her I loved her, and that Walker and I would be fine, just needed to get into the groove of our new arrangement. At that clarification, a sigh of relief came from my mother-in-law that made me wonder again what she might have known, or assumed.
I turned off the truck and hopped out with a swift glance back at the McManus house. I sulked inside, and my house felt bigger and lonelier than normal. I knew why and shivers ran down my shin and goose bumps erupting from head to toe. It wasn’t that I was missing Randy; it was that I wanted Walker’s company. This new type of guilt was starting to become all too familiar, and my stomach knotted into a painful mess. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself yet another glass of my coping mechanism. Taking one sip, I stared at my reflection in the crystal that was given to us as a wedding present and without really thinking, I launched the glass across my kitchen, making it crash against the wall. Purple streaks started to run down the off-white paint Randy had applied the first night we moved in. I slid to the floor and cried for what felt like hours.
I knew I was going to have to learn to live with all of these horrible thoughts and emotions. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I really needed to let go. Moving out of my home was never an option because that was the one thing I truly knew would tie me to Randy forever. I felt like, as long as I had the memories we had built together there, he would never be gone. With the shattering of the glass, I felt a pint-sized bit of his hold on my heart lighten a little.
I felt my stomach rumble but keeping down food didn’t seem like an option. I was hurt Walker still hadn’t called, but I had to keep reminding myself that he promised to leave me alone until I contacted him. Walker had always kept his promises to me, so I guessed I shouldn’t have been too surprised.
I wondered if Liz had told him about our conversation, and wished I knew how much they talked. Liz always was good about respecting my privacy, so I figured she hadn’t told him I called.
Forcing myself to clean up the mess I had made, not wanting to let a stain settle into the wall, I cried for so many reasons. Even though it was only nine-thirty, I had had enough excitement for one day and made my way up the stairs. Going into my bathroom, I rummaged through my prescriptions in the medicine cabinet for my sleeping pills my doctor had given me right after Randy died, and popped two, washing them down with ice-cold water. I undressed and climbed into bed not bothering to turn out the lights down stairs or in the hall. I turned the TV onto an
The blaring of my phone’s ring tone woke me up thirty minutes before my alarm was supposed to. It was my boss calling to tell me that there was a small electrical fire in one of the labs at the hospital right next to my office, and to not come in until further notice. They didn’t think the damage would take too long to clean and fix up, but the fire department would have to do a bunch of testing, which could take a long time. I thanked her for letting me know, and before we hung up, she assured me that my pay would not be affected. I was truly grateful, silently, for the forced break from work, and turned off my alarm, allowing myself to be washed over by a wave of sleep.
My dream state was shaken by the other side of my bed caving in not too long after I had fallen back to sleep, shocking me awake. Startled, I turned to find Walker’s stunning green eyes filled with tears staring into mine. Without thinking or words we hugged right away, my entire body engulfed by his warm embrace. I could feel our tears mixing softly as our cheeks pressed together. The bristles on Walker’s face from not shaving for a few days were uncomfortable but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I never wanted to let go and in that moment it was clear what I wanted, or maybe needed, and I finally was holding it.
Softly, Walker sighed that he was so sorry and whispered that he needed to learn how to deal with his hasty temper. His words were comforting and soft, but made me cry harder. I pulled away from him so our eyes could meet again, his hands cupping my cheeks gently as I whispered, “This is not your fault. I was the ass.” He pulled me in again and we agreed to disagree for now. Whoever’s fault it was not the point. All that mattered was having Walker beside me.
I breathed in the mixture of his cologne and tears, pulling in as close as physically possible. Walker shifted our bodies until we were lying down in a more comfortable position and cuddled me from behind. For what had to have been at least an hour, we just lay there, silently embracing each other. Finally, Walker bent over and kissed me passionately on the lips, almost forcefully, but it was gentle at the same time. Propping myself up a little on my elbow, I kissed him back, softer though, trying to let him know I still needed a tender moment. Walker’s body relaxed into mine and held me close for a while longer.
Walker leaned in again, but just for a quick peck on my cheek, and to whisper, “I have some awesome news, Mags.” I looked up into his beautiful face, trying to think of how much more excitement I could handle at the moment. With a flirtatiously cocky grin on his face, he continued, “I got the old gang together and we’re planning on tailgating this weekend for the game. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”
I bolted up to my knees practically bouncing up and down on the bed. “That is awesome! I miss those days so much! This is going to be amazing.”
With a cute little chuckle, Walker grabbed me again. “That was a better reaction than I could have even hoped for.”
And with that, everything felt fine again between us. I didn’t know exactly how that worked, feeling like my world was crashing down all over again, and then within seconds, feeling on top of the world. Life really had a way of throwing me for some weird loops.
Walker and I stayed in bed for most of the early afternoon, finally deciding that food was necessary.
I climbed out of bed, stretching and pulling my slippers on. Walking to the bathroom, I could hear Walker getting out of bed and putting his shoes on. I spun around, fear of him leaving again stabbed at my heart. “You’re not leaving are you?” I was gasping, about to start crying and breaking all over again, which was utterly ridiculous and a silently cursed myself for it.
He smiled warmly at me, with a slight hint of panic in his face, noticing my awful reaction to the simple action of putting shoes onto his feet. “Just really quick …” He stepped over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, resting his chin on top of my head. “I have to run back and change out of my pajamas if we’re going to
