White Trash Damaged

against him.

“I’m serious about the poetry,” he whispered. “You should keep writing.”

“Thank you.” It was incredibly hard to slip back into the mind-set of who I was back in the trailer park, but it was worth it to hear someone as talented as Tucker tell me I was good at something. I pressed my lips against his and let my eyes fall closed. I loved how his kiss could make us feel like the only people in the world, even in a crowded bus. My lips fell open as Tucker’s tongue ran over my bottom lip. We deepened our kiss, and I was breathless by the time I pulled back for air. My eyes slowly opened to see the rest of the band watching us. I was mortified.

“You guys need to get a life.” Tucker laughed and shook his head. I wanted to crawl in our bed and hide from the world.

“We need to get a video camera,” Eric shot back, and Chris held up his hand to give him a high five.

“So . . . a new manager.” I cleared my throat, hoping to change the subject.

“Hopefully it goes well. We won’t be long.” Tucker leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Dorris picked her out, so it shouldn’t be too hard a decision.”

With that, the guys filed out of the bus, and I was left alone again. I wondered if it would always be this way—brief pockets with Tucker while he drifted in and out on official band business. I would definitely need to take up a hobby, otherwise I was going to go out of my mind. Plus, I refused to be just a trophy girlfriend—I knew I was worth more than that.

I flipped open the notebook again and sat back down at the table. For nearly twenty minutes I stared at the words I had written before deciding this cramped space wasn’t conducive to creativity. I grabbed the book and pen and stepped out into the bright parking lot. I squinted as I scanned the rows of cars, looking for somewhere a little more private. I rounded the back of the bus and found another, smaller bus parked behind ours. I was sure it was Fifth’s, but it was still, silent, and I figured they had gone out as well. I slid down against the back of our bus and placed my notebook on my lap as I began to jot down a few more lines. Memories of my past flooded my thoughts.

The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my nose, replacing the sweet smell of freedom. My hands flew to the back of my head as I struggled to pry Jackson’s fingers from my hair. “Jax, let go of me!” I struggled to get my footing as he lifted me from the bed by my hair. His dirty fingers gripped onto my throat, cutting off my pleas for help. I stared into the lifeless bloodshot eyes of my boyfriend, silently pleading for him to let me go.

“Where is my dope?” he asked, his words slurring as his grip tightened. I clawed at his fingers, desperate for a gasp of air. “I know you fucking took it.” I struggled to shake my head as my body grew weak. He released me, flinging my body back on the bed. I struggled to take in deep breaths as he loomed over me, waiting for an answer.

“I didn’t. I wouldn’t,” I protested as I waited for his blows.

Lying crumpled and broken on empty sheets, feel the pain settle deep within me

I stand to fight another day, bracing for the blows on shaky legs

I take this pen and find my voice, fill the sheets with words of noise

My heart races to set the beat, as I bare my soul on empty sheets

“Plotting out world domination?” a female voice called from the window of the bus in front of me.

“I’m still in the early planning stages,” I called back to Sarah who smiled and slid the window closed before appearing in the doorway of the bus.

“I needed to get out of there. It’s like a coffin.” She sighed as she gathered her dark hair and pulled it back into a hair tie. “Where are the guys?” she asked as she sank down next to me.

“At a meeting with a possible new manager,” I replied as I chewed on the end of my pen.

“Yikes.” She laughed as she picked up a pebble and tossed it toward her bus. “Well, you are just in time for the show.”

I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she meant until the door to the bus flew open again and Lizzy stepped outside. She had a cigarette dangling from her lips, and her hair was a wild mess of curls.

“Wow. . . .”

“I thought you would find that interesting. She shacked up with Derek last night. The sounds coming from his bunk would give you nightmares.” She laughed. “At one point I wondered where they had gotten a goat.”

I chuckled as I stared up at Lizzy whose eyes landed on me and anger flashed through them.

“What are you looking at?” she spat as she lit her cigarette. “You think you’re better than me just because you’re banging a lead singer?” She laughed as she shook her head. “I’ve already had him. You’re not that special.”

She reminded me of Cadence, Tucker’s ex-girlfriend. She was desperate to cling to anyone else’s coattails instead of building a meaningful relationship, and she didn’t care who she had to step on to get there. It made me sick to see the desperation in her eyes as she tried to pull me down with her.

Her words cut through me like a knife, and I could feel all happiness seeping out of the wound. I tried to form a response, but I couldn’t speak. I was right back in the lobby of that hotel when I saw Tucker with his ex- girlfriend. My heart stopped in my chest as I saw Lizzy’s eyes lock onto mine. I was an obstacle, not a person, and my feelings meant nothing. I had taken her words to heart, believed that I wasn’t good enough for him and was only a placeholder until the next best thing came along. But those were my own insecurities, not how Tucker really saw me. Still, in the heat of the moment it was incredibly hard not to believe I wasn’t good enough. It was something that had been drilled into me for years and not an easy notion to let go of.

“Don’t believe me? I think my favorite picture in his bunk is the one of him on his bike.”

Sarah pushed to her feet and was in front of Lizzy before I could absorb what she had just said to me.

“The free ride stops here. Get your shit, and get the hell off my bus,” Sarah yelled as she folded her arms over her chest.

“Screw both of you!” Lizzy yelled back as she stormed onto the bus to gather her things. I pushed to my feet and made my way to the front of our bus. I needed to lie down, to think. I felt like my head was going to explode. I tossed my notebook on the floor and slipped into Tucker’s bunk. My eyes danced over the pictures Tucker had taped to the top of the bed. My vision clouded over with tears as I looked up at a picture of him straddling his motorcycle.

“Cass?” Sarah called from the entrance of the bus. I didn’t respond. I was afraid the floodgates would open and I would completely lose control of myself.

“You have to trust him to make this work. Tucker’s a good guy.”

“Tucker wouldn’t . . .” I began, but my voice cracked.

“You’re damn right he wouldn’t. He loves you, and he loves Terry.”

“The picture is right here.”

“There is an explanation. You need to be stronger. You can’t let her manipulate how you feel this easily.”

“I am just so scared that I will wake up and everything with Tucker will all have been a dream.”

It reminded me of all the times I had dreamed my father had come back and was now part of my life. I’d run through the scenario a thousand times in my mind wondering what it would be like, but it always ended in disappointment when I woke the next morning. I was scared that one day I would wake up and find that Tucker had never really come back to find me and I was just torturing myself.

“That’s good. I’m going to write that down.”

I pushed open the curtain and saw Sarah reaching for my notebook. I held my breath as her eyes scanned what I’d written.

“This is amazing, Cass. You have a way with words.” She smiled up at me as she folded the notebook closed and handed it to me. I slid it under Tucker’s pillow. “That would make a killer song.”

“Thanks.” I smiled, pride beginning to bolster my spirits again.

Sarah stood and began to make her way to the front of the bus.

“Sarah?”

She stopped, turning to look back at me.

“Thanks for talking some sense into me. . . . I . . . I don’t know what I was thinking.”