White Trash Damaged

“You’re only human. If it makes you feel better, I can chase down Lizzy and kick her ass.” She winked, and I laughed.

“Maybe later.” I watched her leave before flopping back on the pillow and staring up at the pictures of Tucker. He had been the one person in my life who didn’t judge me and wanted nothing more than to see me smile. I needed to stop comparing everyone to my absent father and abusive ex-boyfriend. I knew better than to think of Jackson as my eyes grew heavy.

The living room was so trashed I could barely push the front door open after my long shift at the diner. My eyes scanned the mess and the two men who lay passed out on either end of the couch. I stepped over a plate and began to make my way back down the hall. When I heard a female giggle from the bathroom, I paused with my hand on the doorknob to my room. That wasn’t my mother’s voice, not that I had heard her laughter in years. It was someone much younger.

I walked to the bathroom door and listened as I heard Jax say something in a hushed tone. I shoved open the door and gasped as I saw a girl around my age sitting on his lap. The needle in his hand didn’t register. All I saw was his arms looped around another woman.

“What are you doing?” My words broke under my shaky voice as I struggled not to break down and cry. I didn’t want to be weak.

“Creating a new customer base.” He smirked and shook the needle in his hand.

I felt ill, and my hand fell to my stomach as I struggled not to vomit the one meal I had been lucky enough to eat that day.

“You can’t do this.” I took a step inside the cramped bathroom, wishing I had found him cheating instead of ruining this poor girl’s life. “Come on.” I held out my hand to the brunette who sat perched on my boyfriend’s knee. She drew into him and glared at my hand.

“I’m not going anywhere. He wants me here, so you can just fuck off,” she spat angrily. Jax laughed, finding the whole exchange amusing.

“Cass!” My eyes fluttered open to the sound of Tucker’s voice. I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him against me. “Shh . . .” He stroked my hair as I held on to him. “It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. I’m here.”

“It felt so real.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

I nodded into his shoulder as I lifted my gaze to see the rest of the band standing silently around us.

“I’m so sorry.” I pulled back from Tucker and wiped the tears from my cheeks, embarrassed.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Cass.” Tucker glanced over his shoulder to the other guys. They all nodded in agreement.

7

I LOCKED MYSELF IN the cramped bathroom of the bus, waiting for the humiliation of my nightmare to pass. I couldn’t look at my own reflection in the mirror because that scared little girl from the trailer park might be staring back at me.

There was a soft knock at the door, and I hesitated before sliding open the small pocket door.

“We were thinking of going out for a bite to eat,” Eric said as he leaned against the wall.

“Sure. I’ll see you guys later.” I forced the lump in my throat down as I began to pull the door closed. He stuck his hand out, stopping me as he laughed.

“We aren’t going without you. You’re part of this family, too.” He shook his head as he took a step back. “Get ready, woman. Powder your shit or whatever it is you chicks do. I’m starving.” His hand rubbed over his stomach before he walked toward the front of the bus.

I smiled as I glanced back at the small mirror over the sink, this time boldly taking in my reflection. I needed to stop living in the past. I had moved on from that broken, shattered shell of the girl who lived in the trailer park —I had embarked on a new chapter and, for the first time, I allowed myself to pause for a moment and take it all in. My thoughts briefly drifted to Sarah. Watching her onstage last night, I was instantly intimidated by the way she took control and demanded attention from the crowd. That was something I needed to learn to do in my own life. Sarah was right—I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. My dreams had changed so much in the last year that I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of my life. I knew I wanted Tucker by my side; that was a given. But I also wanted to have my own identity. Leaving the trailer park was not the end of my dreams.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stepped into the tiny hallway of the bus.

“Chinese,” Terry called from the front of the bus.

“Pizza,” Chris said, shoving his brother in the shoulder.

“We could hit the food court in the mall. They have a little bit of everything,” I called out, and all eyes turned to me. Tucker hooked his arm around my neck and kissed me on the temple.

“I love you.” His breath tickled my ear and sent a shiver all the way down to my toes.

“I love you, too.”

“All right. Let’s not make us all sick before we even eat,” Eric yelled, but he was smiling; a rare sight.

We made our way to the mall, laughing together in one cohesive group, and I was filled again with a new sense of hope. Maybe they were starting to let me in.

I ordered a milk shake and burger from Mooers and Shakers as the guys spread out to order their food.

“You want me to take that?” Tucker asked as he grabbed a fry from my tray and popped it into his mouth.

“I think I can handle it, Tucker,” I replied as he made a face when the fry burnt his tongue. We picked a corner booth away from the chaos of the teenage girls who crowded the mall.

“I know you can. I like doing things for you.”

“You’ve done enough.”

“A lover’s quarrel? Dinner and a show.” Eric sat his tray at the end of the booth and grabbed a chair from a neighboring table, turning it backward to straddle it.

“We aren’t fighting.” I blew on a fry before biting off the end.

“Shame. Tuck writes better when he is all sad and bitchy. The lovey-dovey shit is hell on his creativity.” He laughed and Tucker smacked him on the chest.

“I think we’ve had enough sad times to last us a lifetime.” My eyes fell on the twins as they slid into the bench seat across from us.

“My writing doesn’t hold a candle to Cass’s.” Tucker grabbed his slice of pizza from his plate and took a bite.

I laughed nervously as I took a bite from my burger.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Lay it on us.” Eric folded his hands together, giving me his undivided attention.

“You’re out of your damn mind! How did the meeting go?” I asked the twins, wanting to divert the attention from me.

“It was all right. If you have some new material for us, we wouldn’t mind taking a look,” Terry replied. So much for diverting attention.

“I don’t know how to write songs. It’s more of a poem.”

“Same difference,” Chris said, and the others nodded in agreement.

“So do you have a new manager or what?”

Tucker shrugged and dropped his pizza on his plate, grabbing a napkin to wipe his mouth. Eric watched him for a minute before responding.

“I think she would be good for us,” he responded, and Tucker sat back in his seat, lacing his hands behind his head.

“You don’t agree?” I put my hand on Tucker’s thigh and felt him tense beneath my fingers.

“She’s younger and more into our scene.” He shrugged.