'Well, there is no occasion, really. I’m here to see you, and I wanted you to meet this little demon.' I shrugged as I rubbed the folds on top of Bunsen’s head. 'I’ve been doing some thinking.'
'What about?' She grabbed the tea pitcher from the fridge, pouring two tall glasses, squeezing lemon juice into hers. Some things never change.
'I left Erin, mom.' She looked at me, stopping everything else she was doing.
'Oh, honey.' I looked down at my dog who was beginning to fall asleep in my arms. 'When?'
'Almost two weeks ago, now.' I felt a warm hand on my arm.
'Why didn’t you tell me?' I looked up and into concerned brown eyes, so much like mine but for the color.
'I tried, actually, the day it happened. But the line was busy, and after that, I guess I just needed to deal with it on my own. I needed to face some things, try and understand some things.'
'Come on. Let’s sit.' She took both glasses, leading me to the small kitchen table, unchanged from the days when I used to do my homework there. I pulled out a chair, resting the now sleeping Bunsen on my lap, and took the glass of tea, sipping from it. 'So?'
'Well, we just want different things. Always have.'
'Honey, why are you so against committing to someone? I don’t even mean Erin. Lord knows, I know all about making mistakes. I’m made more than my share with relationships, but it’s not just with her.' She looked at me, waiting for an answer I just didn’t have. 'Why do you hide from people? I look at you, honey, and I see all the love you have to give.' She stared into my eyes. 'You’re so beautiful, smart, honest, and one of the most generous souls I’ve ever seen. Only you would lend the money to your brother to help him start that garage. Despite what he’s done to you.'
I looked down, uncomfortable with the praise, and the memories of Chris.
'He’ll be thrilled to hear that Erin and I have split. He was always happy to hear that.'
'Well, if Chris wants to be a jerk about it, let him.' I felt her hand cover mine. 'Honey, not everyone can be open-minded. It’s his choice, and he can live with it. You two are all that the other will ever have; long after I’m gone, you guys will still be together. Someday he’ll realize that.'
'I hope so. It really hurts sometimes.' She nodded, squeezing my fingers before she wrapped her own around her glass.
'I’m sure it does, and I’m sorry.'
'You didn’t do it.'
'No, but he is my son. And you’re my daughter and I love you both with all my heart.' I smiled, needing to hear that.
'I love you, too.'
'Try to open your heart, Andrea. No one should be alone.'
I sat on the couch, feet up on the coffee table as I stared into the fire. The warm day had shocked the state with a bitter cold that blew in to cool the night. The fireplace was lit, throwing brightness on my face, and reflecting off the floor, stretching the shadows further into the room. Bunsen laid on the rug in front of the fire, contently chewing on his rope.
I thought about my conversation with my mom, smiling at the feeling of being home again. She had tried to get me to stay overnight, but I didn’t want to encroach on her new family, plus I wanted my own bed.
Chris popped into mind, and I felt an old pain rise again in my chest. He had seemed fine when I told him I was a lesbian. I had been twenty-two, and he twenty. But, when I had brought home my first girlfriend, what was her name? Lisa? Lilly? Anyway, his face had hardened, and he hadn’t said one word to her throughout dinner. But he definitely had words for me later.
He had told me he was ashamed, and thought I was a loser to fall into the college crap, and had said that it was a phase, and I couldn’t get a boyfriend, so I’d turned to women.
Even now it stung. But, it was his choice. What could I do? For now it was time for bed.
'Come on, Bunsen. Let’s go potty.' I headed toward the French doors that led to the backyard, the Pug’s sharp claws clicking on the hardwood. I was amazed at how incredibly fast he’d learned to scratch at the back door when he had to go to the bathroom. We’d had some accidents, especially when I kept him closed in the empty third bedroom that I intended to turn into a den, but just hadn’t gotten around to, yet. I would often come home to find a little surprise in the form of a dried stain, or a little pile in the corner.
While Bunsen did his thing, I headed to the bedroom to get changed for bed.
I turned over, smacking my lips as I readjusted my head on the pillow, a soft smile on my face in my warm comfort.
Ring, ring, ring
One eye popped open, somehow listening.
Ring, ring, ring
With a growl and glance at the clock, I picked up the phone.
'It’s five in the morning. This better be good,' I mumbled into the receiver, too tired to care if I was being rude or not.
'Dr. Littman?' My brows drew, my other eye slowly opening to hear my formal title.
'Yes?'
'This is Marcy Wilson, at the hospital.' I pushed myself up onto my elbow.
'Nurse Wilson, of course.' I was confused now.
'Honey, we lost Hannah. Ten minutes ago. I thought you’d like to know.' I sat there, the phone glued to my ear, my eyes staring into space. I had heard what she said, but my mind couldn’t quite let it get past my ears. 'Are you okay?'
'Yes. Thanks for telling me.' Without another word, I set the receiver in its cradle, my hands falling into my lap.
I stood outside the church, hand clasped in front of my body, waiting for Haley. I had wanted to call her after I’d hung up with Nurse Wilson, but I had no idea how to get a hold of her, knowing she wasn’t at work at that hour in the morning. She had called me within the hour.
'God, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel,' she had said, her voice shaking, and on the verge of breaking all together. 'Do I stay stoic and professional? Am I allowed to grieve? Teaching a course at a college doesn’t prepare you for this.' I had smiled at that, not having any answers for her.
I pushed away from the wall when I saw her walking across the street, parking in the lot over there. She looked beautiful in a black pant suit, cream colored silk blouse beneath. She wore high heels, and sunglasses, her hair down, blowing behind her as she approached.
'Hey,' she near whispered as she stepped up in front of me.
'Hi.' Many people passed us, the church quickly being filled. Many I recognized from the hospital. 'How are you?' Haley shrugged, looking around, then pulling the dark glasses off.
'Okay, I guess. I certainly wish I weren’t here.' She looked at me, and looked as though she was about to fall apart. Taking a deep breath, she gave me a weak smile. 'Let’s go so we can get a good seat.'
I followed her in, signing the guest book. I saw Hannah’s husband standing by the doorway to the sanctuary, a small girl in his arms. She had her face buried in his neck, sucking on her thumb. Andrew Blackwell talked quietly with people as they passed by, shaking hands, accepting hugs from well wishers. I walked up to him.
'Hello,' I said, not real sure what to do. He looked at me, his blue eyes red, eyelids drooping. He looked so tired. 'I’m not sure if you remember me, but,'
'Of course. You’re Dr. Littman. Hannah talked about you a lot. You brought in the dog.' He smiled, I smiled back, nodding.
'I’m so sorry. I really don’t know what to say at this point, you know?' He nodded.
'This is Savannah.' The girl looked at me from around her thumb. She looked just like her mom.
'Hi, Savannah.' She whimpered, burying her face in further to her father’s neck. I turned back to Andrew. 'Take care of yourself.' I squeezed his hand, and walked back over to Haley, who waited in the back of the church.
