As the service began, I could already hear lots of sniffling throughout, some chuckles as family members recounted some of the things Hannah had done in her life.
I glanced over when I felt a hand on my arm. Haley was squeezing my forearm. I looked up into her face, and could see she was biting her lower lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. I was grateful for Haley’s presence. Trying to be there for her helped me to push aside my own pain and sorrow.
'My wife and I met in junior high.' Andrew Blackwell stood at the front of the church behind the podium, his hands resting on either side. He looked down, then over at the white casket that was at the front. 'She was truly the love of my life. Hannah was an amazing person, amazing woman, amazing wife and mother.' He smiled. 'When we heard she was sick several years ago, she just laughed, shrugged her shoulders and said that she could use the vacation when her doctor told her she had to stop working. Then she started to get really sick.' He looked down again, tucking in his lips only to release them again. 'I love you, honey.' He covered his mouth as he hurried away from the podium.
I held my breath for a moment, feeling my throat tighten, my eyes begin to sting with the tears that kept threatening to come. I felt Haley’s body shaking as she cried. I put my arm on the back of the pew, placing my hand on her shoulder, trying to give her any sort of comfort.
The service came to an end, and I quickly stood, needing to get out of here, needing some fresh air. Haley followed as we made our slow way out into the cool air, and I stood by the wall of the building, trying to get myself together.
'Wow.' I looked up, saw Haley standing there, looking just like a little kid, so vulnerable. She looked at me, her eyes moist, the tears just waiting to spill over. Finally they did, and she broke down. I suddenly found myself engulfed in a hug, her body pressed to mine as she cried, silent, but constant tears.
I held her, squeezing to let her know I was here. I rested my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes as I held back my tears.
Haley’s body seemed to calm a bit, the tears slowing, then stopping. Neither of us said anything, nor did either of us move away. It just felt good to bask in the warmth and life of another human being.
I was glad Haley was here.
We both slowly pulled away, almost hesitant, not wanting that human contact to go. She looked at me, sniffling.
'Want to get some coffee?' I nodded, rubbing her arm with my hand.
We sat across from each other at the small coffee shop, but neither had said anything. I think we were both just so caught up in our own memories, thoughts and grief. Finally Haley sighed.
'So, how are you?' I looked at her, my fingers playing with a packet of sugar.
'I’m okay. You?' She nodded, sipping from her cup.
'I’ll be alright. Hannah was just my first real patient, and certainly my first to, well, to die.'
'I’m sorry, Haley. That can’t be easy.'
'You know as well as I do that it’s not. And not only that, but,'
'It was Hannah.' We both smiled, and she nodded.
'Yeah, that, too. She was such a wonderful person. I heard all about what you did, bringing in your dog.' She smiled at me, warm and gentle. 'That was truly great, Andi. For the rest of the week she did so well. She was happy, her mind was clear, body was doing well. Until, well,' She looked down, wrapping her hands tightly around her warm cup.
'I know. I had come in a few times over the week to see her. She was doing so well. I was shocked.'
'Me, too.' She took a deep breath, then several more before smiling at me. 'So, where were you this past week? I looked for you at lunch, but you weren’t there.'
'Oh. I was home. I had some things to deal with.'
'Is everything okay?' I looked down at my hands, realizing I’d ripped the packet, and sugar had begun to spill out on the table. I smiled.
'Oops.' I began to clean it, taking deep breaths. For some reason I was unsure if I should confide in her or not. 'I broke up with my girlfriend.' I looked up at her to see that her face hadn’t changed.
'I’m sorry, Andi.'
'Well, it was time. Three years, and we just weren’t getting anywhere. I had to let her go, and try to figure some things out about myself.'
'Was she the one who always sat with you during lunch?' I nodded. 'She was very pretty.' I smiled.
'Yes, she is. Erin is just in a different place than I am.' Haley nodded.
'I understand.' She was quiet for a moment, then smiled. 'If you need anything, or want to talk, I’m here, okay?' I nodded.
'Thanks, Haley. Listen, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I should get home.' She looked at me for a moment, then reached across the table, squeezed my hand, and nodded.
'Sure. See you later, Andi.'
'Yeah.' I gave her a smile, though it was forced and I’m sure it looked forced. I needed to be alone.
I drove home in silence, turning the radio off, closing all my windows. Just me and the soft hum of the engine. I pulled up into my driveway, unlocked the front door, and walked in.
I could hear Bunsen yelping, hearing my return, and I headed toward the empty spare bedroom. I felt strange, almost like something had been taken away from me. When I opened the door to the bedroom, the Pug came bounding out, and I looked inside, cringing when I saw the little pile waiting for me by the closet. I walked into the room, feeling anger bubble up.
'Why can’t you wait, Bunsen?' I cried, filling my eyes beginning to fill, my chest tightening followed by my throat.
Walking to the center of the room, I looked around. There was so much space, nothing filling it, just a small dog bed and water bowl with a few scattered toys. Before I knew what was happening, I fell to my knees, then sat, hard, my eyes drifting to Bunsen’s mess. He sat near the corner, laying down, looking at me with guilty eyes.
'Why, Bunsen? Why?' My voice cracked, and I tried to swallow it down, but to no avail. He raised his head, cocking it to the side, then slowly, ever so slowly, began to crawl over to me, still on his belly. My head fell as the tears did, too. I didn’t even notice as the Pug climbed into my lap, curling up, but suddenly my hands were resting on a warm body.
My shoulders began to shake with my sobs, heaving as all the emotion that I had held inside for the last two days began to come out in huge waves. The damn broke.
I cried for all the things that Hannah would never be able to do, or see. I cried for her daughter, missing out on a wonderful mother, not there when she had her first day of school, or when she graduated, or got married, or got that first promotion.
I cried for myself, and for all that I would lose out on because my heart had become so buried so many years ago. I, too, would miss out.
Part 12
I stared at her, my cheek resting against my knuckles. She tucked in her lip, let it out, then tucked it in again as her brows drew, dark bangs in her face, sticking her lower lip out as she blew them away.
'You know, Kendall, the piece isn’t going to move on its own.' I smiled, eyes drifting down to the backgammon board. 'Just remember what I told you; use your role to your best advantage.'
Finally, with a sigh, she reached out a small hand, and moved one of the white pieces to land on one of my brown ones that was by itself. She smiled triumphantly as she moved my piece to the center of the board.
She grinned up at me. 'I got you.'
'That you did, you little turd.' She giggled. We both looked up at the sound of a knock on the front door. She looked at me, I looked at her. 'Who’s that?' Bunsen, who’d been laying on the floor under the coffee table where we were playing, stood, began to bark.
