Outcome

'He did.' I sighed, shrugging.

'I’m sorry.' She put the Beanie she had in her hand back, and closed the cabinet door, turning to me. 'Well, how about dinner? Hungry?'

'Famished.'

A pile of knick knacks on the couch cushions, the closed backgammon game on the floor, open containers of Chinese food scattered, an uncorked bottle of wine sat on the table, nearly empty plates next to it.

'It’s certainly been an adjustment to get used to these cooler nights again.'

'I bet.' I sipped from my wine glass, the bitter liquid filling my mouth before sliding down my throat. We both sat on the floor, across the table from each other. 'Tell me about your life in California.' I grabbed the bottle of wine, filling my glass half way, and offering it to Haley. She handed me her glass.

'Well, I own a very small condo at the edge of the city. Everything is so expensive in L.A., plus just beginning, well,' She smiled. 'Doesn’t make for much money.' I smiled, nodding.

'I understand that. Tell me more.'

'Well, I live alone, well, except for my bunnies.' I stared at her.

'Bunnies? As in Bugs?' She nodded.

'Just like. I have lots of friends still from college, as well as now from teaching. I stay pretty busy with them.'

'Do you miss them?' She nodded.

'I do. I’ve been out there for so long, coming home just feels,' She chewed on the inside of her cheek as she thought. 'I don’t know. It just feels weird. Seeing all the places I used to hang out at, and I even saw Kelly recently. It just feels like I’ve grown up.'

'You have grown up, Haley.' She looked at me, smiled.

'I know. I can’t quite get used to the idea of being grown up at home.'

'Do you mind if I ask about your marriage?'

'Not at all.' I sipped from my wine, then put the glass aside.

'Well, tell me about Lonnie. What was he like? What did he look like?' Haley sighed, staring up at the ceiling for a moment, then looked at me.

'He’s very sweet, one of the most generous people I’ve ever known. He had considered the priesthood at one time.'

'Wow. Not someone I’d imagine you with.' She laughed.

'Yeah, me either. But, we started out as good friends. I could trust him, plus he was brilliant. He used to help me with my homework. After all, I didn’t exactly have your brain at my disposal.' I smiled, resting my cheek on my hand. 'We began to date, and it was a lot of fun. Then things started to get serious, though I don’t know how because we were both completely swamped with school. I lived in an apartment with a couple girls, and they loved to party and drink, and they both loved their men. It was horrible. I’d come home from class in the middle of the day, and one of them would be with some guy, right there in the middle of the living room!' Her eyes opened wide to emphasize her point. 'It was horrible. So, I decided I’d had enough, and Lonnie suggested we get married. See, he wouldn’t live with a girl in sin.' She smiled, so did I. 'So, I agreed, we did. It was not fun. As wonderful as he was, we had very different personalities, and he hated how independent I was. Not that he tried to control me, he just didn’t like the fact that I wanted to take on the world on my own merit, and not that of a man.'

'Oh, not fun.'

'Yeah. So, eventually we realized that it just wasn’t going to work, so we got a divorce. I was always so ashamed that I was twenty-four, and already divorced. Some record, huh?' I shrugged, sitting back against the arm chair.

'I don’t know. I think everything in life happens for a reason. There had to be some purpose in it.'

'I agree. But, still it’s not one of my more shining moments.'

'Oh, I hear ya.' I smiled, stretching my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankle.

'Yeah.' She scooted back until her back hit the couch. 'So, Andi,'

'Yes, Haley?'

'You’re a lesbian?' I looked at her, surprised at her choice in topic, but I nodded.

'That I am.'

'How did that come about?'

'College.' We both laughed, she nodded.

'Yeah, that would certainly be the place to do it. How did it happen?' I felt a panic for just a moment, but took a deep breath, and let it out.

'Well, it was my second year of undergrad. It just hit me. I knew guys weren’t it, no matter how many nice ones I met. It just did nothing for me, yet women I looked at did. I could get more from a woman’s stare than I could from a man’s caress.' I sighed again. 'So, one day I decided to try it, to see if I could actually go through with dating one.'

'And you did?' I smiled.

'Well, obviously.'

'And Erin?'

'Erin.' I looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap.

'If you don’t want to,'

'No, it’s okay. It’s time I admit to someone other than myself that I was a schmuck. I just wasn’t ready for what she wanted.'

'Which was?'

'A family, settling down. Cohabitation.'

'And you’re not?' I ran my hands through my hair, shaking my head.

'I guess not. Sometimes I would think that I was, that I could do it, you know? I mean, she was kind of like Lonnie; very sweet, kind, and full of heart. But something was just missing for me. I could never put my finger on it.' I looked at her. She was looking at me intently, her full attention focused on my words. I looked down again. 'Sometimes I think I’m defective, or something.' I looked up, giving her a weak smile. She smiled back.

'I don’t think you’re defective, Andi. She just wasn’t the right person at the right time. It’s not a crime.'

'No, maybe not. But stringing her along for three years was.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, I had told her so many times that I didn’t want what she did, and tried to let her go, but she kept insisting that we keep going, that she could protect herself, and wanted me with her. So,' I sighed, 'I stayed. But, then when Hannah died, and everything, I knew life was too short. And just because I’m fucked up doesn’t mean she has to be, too. She deserved better.'

'That’s very kind of you, Andi.' I looked at her, expecting sarcasm, but only saw understanding. 'Erin will understand and realize that you did her a favor. If she’s as wonderful as you say, someone will pick her up, and they will be what she needs.'

'Thanks. I hope so.' We were both quiet for a moment, digesting the food and the conversation. Finally Haley spoke.

'So, how did your mom take your coming out? She knows, I assume?'

'Oh, yeah. She was wonderful about it.'

'I’m not real surprised.' She smiled, resting her elbow on the cushion of the couch, her temple against her fist. 'I’m also not surprised by this revelation.' She sighed, looking at me. 'Andi? Why didn’t you go to my graduation? You always said you would.' I stared at her for a minute, bewildered, then it hit me.

Without a word, I stood, headed into my bedroom. I opened the closet door and brought down the large boot box I kept things in, digging through until I felt the hard material of the cover.

'Yes.'

I hurried back out into the living room, sitting down next to Haley, opening the brown cover, laces with gold designs around the edges.

'What’s that?' Haley asked.

'Any picture I took during those years, I stuck in here.'

'Listen to you, those years. You’d think you were in a concentration camp.'

'Just call me Rebekah.' She chuckled. 'Here we go.' After flipping through the pages, I found what I was