I squeezed my hands into fists, trying to garner the courage to actually go into the room. I hadn’t seen Erin in about two weeks, and hadn’t spoken to her since I had left her house that night, after... things.
I didn’t know if this was a good idea or not, if she’d care, or even whose benefit I was doing this for. Deciding I didn’t care, it needed to be done, I prepared myself for any response.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open to the break room for the nurses on her floor. She was sitting on the couch, her feet up on a chair, reading a magazine. I swallowed, and cleared my throat. Erin looked up, her eyes narrowing as recognition filled them.
'Hi.' I said, my voice quiet.
'Hello.'
'Mind if I sit?' I indicated the arm chair across from the couch. She nodded toward it, so I sat.
'What can I do for you, Andi?' she asked, once I got myself situated. She sounded as though she were talking to any colleague, as if I were about to ask her about a chart or something.
'Well, um, damn.'
'You never seemed to have problems speaking before. What’s the problem now?' I glanced up into her eyes, and smiled. I could understand her attitude toward me, and didn’t blame her. I had hurt her.
'Listen, Erin, I don’t know if any of this will matter, or mean a thing to you, but I still think you should know.' She said nothing, just sat, arms crossed over her chest, listening. 'What happened, between us, it wasn’t your fault.' She raised her chin a bit. 'Erin, you are a wonderful person, absolutely incredible; generous, kind, so much to give.' I cleared my throat again, running my palms on the thighs of my slacks. 'I’m the one who’s broken. Not you.' I looked up at her, wanting her to know that I was sincere, and meant every word of it. 'And, I wish you the best. I know that what you need is out there for you, and I know she’ll find you, Erin.'
She looked away for a moment, taking a deep breath, then looked down at her hands that played with the magazine on her lap. Finally she looked up at me.
'Thank you, Andi. That means a lot.' She smiled, though it was sad. I smiled back, feeling like a weight had just been lifted away. I just hoped I hadn’t hurt her more by coming to her like this.
'Well, okay. Um, good. I have to get going.' I stood, stared down at her for a moment. 'Take care of yourself, Erin. You want to be ready for when she comes riding up on her white horse.' I smiled at her, and was glad to get a smile in return. I turned to head out, but stopped when I heard my name. I looked at her over my shoulder.
'Why?' I turned to fully face her, and shrugged.
'I guess time and distance give you perspective. You deserve so much more than I ever gave you, and it would be understandable if you’d take all this on your own shoulders. That’s just the kind of person you are, selfless like that. I wanted you to know, now, that emotions have cooled, that it wasn’t your fault. You just were in the wrong place at the wrong time to be hit with a train wreck like me.' She nodded and took a deep breath.
'I’ve been hearing about the fund you started in Hannah’s name. For her little girl.' I nodded, sticking my hands in the large, deep pockets of my lab coat.
'Why should that little girl pay for something that was out of her control?'
'Yeah. Well, it’s an amazing thing you’ve done. You should know that.'
'Thanks, Erin.'
'In fact,' she grabbed her purse from the side table, bringing out her wallet. 'I’ve actually been meaning to give this to you.' She grabbed a folded up check, handed it to me.
'Erin,'
'No, I want to donate this.' I looked at the amount, surprised to see it was a thousand dollars.
'You’re very generous, Erin. Thank you.' I stuck it in my pocket. 'Well, I better get back to the lab.'
As I headed toward the elevators, I felt good. No, I felt damn good. The smile just shot from one corner of my mouth to the other, my steps feeling lighter, more spring in them. I felt at peace with Erin for the first time in three years, like I had finally done right by her, and like she would be okay. And maybe, just maybe, so would I.
I thought of my time with Haley the other night, and what I had learned after she’d left. Life was so funny in the way it threw things at you, and then sat back, watching with glee as you tried to figure it all out. Life certainly had one sick sense of humor.
With a contented sigh, I stretched my arm along the back of the park bench, watching, completely amused, as Haley and Kendall played with Bunsen. He was totally eating it up, too. Who wouldn’t? Two beautiful ladies giving you their undivided attention?
I smiled at this last thought, and leaned my head against my hand. It had been a week since I had had the dream, and I had decided that there was no reason to do anything about it, talk to Haley. She knew what had happened, and kids do stupid things.
These new realizations made so much else make more sense, well, make sense at all. My feelings toward the Linda Eder CD and certain music from her. The feeling of sadness I’d get at times when I’d listen to her music. I used to equate it with Erin and I, or with whatever relationship I was in at the time. Much of Linda’s music is about love, and the things she wants in life, and I felt sad that I wanted many of those things, too, but they just seemed so far out of my grasp.
At one time they were. As a teenager I had thought that Haley was the end-all of my existence, and I hadn’t even realized it. But we were all grown up, now, and reality takes on such a different look when the lights are turned on.
'Come on, Andi!' I looked up to see Kendall running toward me. When she reached me, she grabbed my hand, tugging at it. 'Come play with us.'
'Nah, you guys go ahead.' I smiled at her. Hell, I was thoroughly enjoying watching them.
'No, come on. Please?' Then I saw Haley running toward us, Bunsen barking at her heels. She reached us, and grabbed my other hand.
'Yeah, come on, Andi. Come play,' she pleaded, the cutest pout on her face.
'Kendall has taught you well.' I grinned, so did she, nodding vigorously. 'Okay, okay.' I stood, both girls excited. Bunsen even jumped at my legs until I grabbed his rope out of his mouth, and threw it, sending him off in a barking frenzy to grab it. 'You did a good job teaching him fetch, honey.' I put my hands on the girl’s shoulders as I watched the Pug grab the rope, and happily run back, the toy tripping him up every few yards.
'How often do you get to see her?' Haley asked, watching as Kendall ran out to meet the puppy.
'Pretty much as often as I like. I try to get her at least every other weekend.'
'You’re so good with her, and I imagine for her.'
'I hope so.' Taking a deep breath, I clapped my hands together. 'Come on, you two. Let’s go home and get some pizza.' Kendall’s head immediately shot up from her playing. The 'p' word was like magic.
'Pizza? Really?' She jumped up from her knees, and ran over to us, grabbing my hand, staring up into my face. 'We get to have pizza?'
'Yup. Go get Bunsen and his toys, and we’ll go.'
'Woohoo! Bunsen, we get pizza!'
'Anyone want another slice?' Haley asked from the kitchen. Kendall and I still sat at the kitchen table, almost trying to race in how many pieces we could eat. Of course a ten-year-old girl had no chance against the notorious stomach of Andi Littman.
'Yes,' we said, almost in unison, then we both giggled.
'Jinx!' Kendall yelled, pointing at me. I stuck my tongue out at her, which got her giggling again. 'I really like you, Andi. You’re so much fun.' I looked at her, my heart melting. I smiled.
'Well, I like you, too, Kendall.' She smiled, and dug in to the fresh piece that Haley had just put on her
