Because if you are, then I’d appreciate knowing so I can go find a cheap hotel.”
I sighed. “No, Val. We definitely won’t be sleeping together. Well, probably sleeping together, but definitely not sex.”
“Is there something I should know about him?” She raised her eyebrow. “If I had a guy like that I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him.”
Harder than she thought. I wanted to, on many occasions, jump his bones, but it was like my body rejected the idea. My broken body.
“Yeah...about that.”
Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Oh my god! He’s not gay is he? Are you just like his beard or something?”
“What?” I dropped my shirt in the sink. “No! Oh god no! Like quite the opposite.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation with my sister.”
“Ugh, seriously? I share everything with you. You share everything with me. You freaking told me about how you lost your virginity and you had mom write you a note to get out of gym class the next day.”
“Valerie! Never speak of that again.”
She held her hands up and pushed off of the fridge. “Okay, okay. I was just making a point.”
I sighed. “Fine. I haven’t actually slept with John and I don’t know if we ever well. We’ve gotten close, but...ugh.”
“Ugh, what?” Her eyes widened as if to say “go on.”
“It’s like there’s something busted and it just won’t happen. My body always betrays me or something. I just worry that maybe I’m not enough for him. Maybe someday he’s going to realize that I’m a fraud and leave me for someone who isn’t damaged. Someone without a disease”
Valerie shook her head. “First off, how many times have I told you to stop with that pity bullshit?”
“A lot.”
“And second, any guy who doesn’t want to be with you because you have cancer isn’t a guy that you want to be with anyway. You’re not broken. You may be a little crazy, but have you seen our mother? We’re all a little mad.”
I let out a deep breath and picked up my shirt again, ringing it out and then laying it flat on the counter. “You’re probably right.”
“I’m always right.”
She was right. She usually was. But that didn’t stop me from worrying. It was always in the back of my mind that something terrible was going to happen. Like all of the good that had been built up in our relationship could stop at any moment and I would go back to being alone. John may have been understanding now, but maybe someday he wouldn’t. Then where would I be?
Chapter 24
Most of the college students had left for break, but enough of them were around that it took almost forty- five minutes for a cab to show up at my apartment. That left enough time for my sister and me to get pretty tipsy from pre-gaming.
“Never have I ever threw up in the middle of a cornfield,” Valerie slurred through fits of giggles.
“You bitch!” I laughed and then tipped back the bottle of whipped cream vodka she just had to get when we were at Target.
John was meeting us at Gatsby’s. He said he was having some guy time with his remaining fraternity brothers. Valerie asked me again if I was sure that I wasn’t his beard.
“You know you love me.” Valerie grabbed the bottle from my lips mid-drink and took another glug from it.
“Only because we’re family.”
My phone vibrated on the table and Valerie’s reflexes were quicker so she picked it up before I could even move my hand. “Looks like loverboy might decide to break my no-screwing-while-your-sister-is-on-the-couch rule.”
“What are you talking about?” I reached for the phone, but she pulled it out of my grasp.
She lowered her voice and read the message. “Hey, Red, where you at? You and your sister need to get your fine asses to Gatsby’s. Hopefully we can have a repeat of the last time we were here.”
“I’m sure that’s not what he said.”
She tossed the phone on the table and stood up, smoothing out her dress. I thought she was a little too dressed up to be going to a college bar. This wasn’t downtown Chicago and nobody cared that she was in a designer wrap dress and sky high heels. She even spent hours in the bathroom airbrushing makeup and curling her hair. I, on the other hand, just put on my sleeveless maroon tunic, a pair of black leggings, and called it good enough with my curly hair and some light makeup.
“Whatever he said, we’d better see if that cab is finally here. I don’t want your lightweight ass to pass out on me before we even leave the apartment.” She put her hand out.
“I am not a lightweight.” I took her hand, but wobbled as I stood up. Maybe drinking so much vodka was not a good idea.
“Yeah, and the Pope isn’t Catholic.”
This time the bouncer scrutinized my ID and made us pay cover. I never thought we’d get in and I let out a big breath of air once we stepped inside the stuffy bar.
“Ugh, why didn’t you just have John come with us? No one would question him.”
“He had some fraternity thing, so it was just easier to meet us,” I yelled over the music. Some hip hop song blared through the speakers and the place was elbow to elbow with people. I didn’t know how we’d ever find John.
“I hope some of his hot fraternity brothers are here. I could use a sloppy make out session with a random.”
I rolled my eyes. “If you insist.”
She grabbed my hand, yanking me toward the staircase that led to the dance floor. “Come on. Send him a text that we’re here and let’s dance.”
I sent John a quick text and went along with her. Her body moved to the music as we pushed our way down the stairs. I wanted to check my phone again, but before I could reach in my pocket, we were at the bottom of the steps and Valerie was pulling me forward just as another song started.
“God, I haven’t been to Fratsby’s in so long!” she yelled with a giggle.
I moved along with her, but my eyes kept scanning the crowd for John. He was tall enough that I should have seen him easily, but I couldn’t find him in the mess of bodies. It also didn’t help that my vision was a little blurry.
“You’re way too tense! Let’s get you some more to drink!” Valerie yanked me forward and found a smaller bar, just off the dance floor. She ordered us two shots of something called a buttery nipple and she gulped it down as if was nothing more than water. I followed suit and then she ordered another. By the third shot, I didn’t care what was going on anymore and needed to dance.
“I’m so awesome!” I giggled and moved my hips to the music. “Do you know how awesome I am?”
“You’re awesome!” Valerie laughed and almost knocked some girl over as she hip bumped me and then swung out.
“Where the hell is my man to see how awesome I am?” I slurred.
“I don’t know! Call him! Tell him that you want to use him as a pole.”
“I will!” I pulled out my phone to dial his number and that’s when I saw a familiar blur of long, brown hair out of the corner of my eye.
It was Missy. The girl that had given John a lap dance. She was saddling up on some guy, but I couldn’t see
