The Only One

“Oh, sis, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. You’ve had a hard year.” She pulled me into a hug and I let her.

“I know. But I promise that things are going to be better. They need to.”

Valerie rubbed my back. “I don’t expect anything of you, little sis. I just want you to be you and I think that’s all anyone wants. Free yourself of all of those thoughts that everything needs to be a certain way and let go. Enjoy the moment.”

Let go. That’s what John had told me over and over. Maybe if I did let go I would have noticed what was going on around me. It was finally time to let go of my insecurities and move on. Cancer and boys be damned.

Chapter 26

It took some work but I finally trained myself to let loose and forget all the baggage that was weighing me down. I was able to laugh with my mom and sister at dinner. I could forget about finals and all the stress of school. It was nice just to sit, relax, and not have to worry about anything.

Mom talked to me about getting her real estate license. She said that while insurance had been good to her, it was time for a change. The housing market may have crumbled, but with all of her contacts at work she thought she would have a good start. And with her personality I knew she would do great. Even if she didn’t, even if she failed at it, I would be there for her when she needed someone. Just like her and Valerie were there when I needed them.

But of course there was the white elephant that no one addressed. John. I figured Valerie must have let mom know that we had a fight because she didn’t ask about him at dinner that night or the rest of the weekend while she was home from work. I also didn’t get a single text or phone call from John. I thought maybe he might have been busy with his family, but then I saw pictures of him on Facebook that other people posted. I wanted to throw up. If he could go out with friends then he should have had time to text me.

Maybe it was more than a drunken night. Maybe I said something that I shouldn’t have. I mulled over what to do and it wasn’t until the night before Christmas Eve that I finally got the courage to call him. It went straight to voicemail and I was afraid to leave a message so I just hung up.

Maybe it was late and he was sleeping. Or out with one of the girls that had tagged him in the pictures. There was one particular girl that always had a big cheesy grin when she was in photos with him. I thought about her stupid, smiling face as I laid on my futon, staring at the ceiling. I needed to fold the futon down and put it in the bed position instead of just letting my imagination run wild. I stood up to unfold the bed and then felt the phone vibrate. It couldn’t be.

When I picked up the phone, I saw a picture of me and John from History class. I told him we shouldn’t take pictures during class, but he insisted. And it was a day when he looked particularly hot with a hint of stubble on his chin and his hair gelled and spiky.

He was calling me back. He broke the silence. My fingers were shaking so badly that I almost didn’t answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” he breathed.

I expected to hear a loud background noise like he was at a club or something, but there was only silence. He wasn’t out. There wasn’t another girl with him. Hopefully.

“I’m sorry, were you busy?”

“Nah. I had a hard work out today and just got out of the shower. Getting ready for bed.”

“Oh, sorry for disturbing you. I...I...I can let you go.”

“Wait. It’s fine. We should talk. I’ve been meaning to call, but every time I get up the nerve, I just...I don’t know...”

I didn’t reply. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever before he finally spoke again.

“You haven’t called or texted me either,” he blurted.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to. You left me, John. I thought you wanted your space. Especially with the sticky note.”

He sighed. “Yeah, that was a dick move.”

“And I’m wondering what dick move I pulled that made you do that.”

“It wasn’t you, Red. It was me. I should’ve just talked to you instead of storming out.”

“Then why’d you do it?” I blinked, rolling thoughts through my head about that night. The only thing that was coming to mind was my drunken stupor and me taking my shirt off. “You may have to refresh my memory.”

I knew he was rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t want to relive all of that. I just know that you wanted me and I wanted you, but I couldn’t do it. I just needed to get out and you started talking about cancer and I just lost it. I left without saying goodbye. I should’ve manned up and talked to you, but I couldn’t.”

I let out a breath of air through my nose. “I wish you didn’t leave.”

“I wish I didn’t either. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” I was being honest. I never missed someone so much in my entire life. “Are we going to be okay? Can we go back to how things were?”

He let out a deep breath. “I don’t know, Red. We’ve been through so much it’s kind of hard to just go back and act like nothing ever happened.”

Tears pricked my eyes and my vision blurred. I sat down on the futon, taking a deep breath and tried to steady myself. “I don’t want to lose you, John.”

“I don’t want to lose you either, baby.” His voice took on a soothing tone and I ached to be near him. I wanted to fall into his arms, have him hold me and never let go. “But I’m hurt, you know? There was a lot of emotional shit that went down last night. I feel like you don’t trust me, no matter how many times I’ve tried to prove it to you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I think you said enough last night.”

“John!” I protested. “I was wasted.”

“They say alcohol is like truth serum. People say things they’ve been keeping inside. I knew you were pissed about the whole Missy thing and I’ve been trying to make it up to you ever since. It makes me feel like we’re never going to get past that. That everything is always going to bite us in the ass.”

“John...”

“Melanie,” he said in a hoarse tone before he cleared his throat. “I care about you so fucking much. Cancer and all that shit doesn’t matter to me. I could care less if we never had sex and you just let me hold you forever. I wish I could just get that through to you, but it seems like we just keep walking in circles around the same argument.”

“I don’t want to argue with you anymore. I just want you.”

“I want you too. I want to make this work, but I want both of us to want it. And if we aren’t ready to dive into this full force then maybe it’s not worth it.”

A single tear rolled down my cheek. “I...I.. .have to go.” I didn’t want to cry with him on the phone.

“Okay. I understand. I’ll text you later.”

“Goodbye, John.”

“Goodbye, Red.”

I set the phone down and cried. Let all the tears fall onto my face. Tears for me and John’s relationship. Tears for my stupidity. I should have known that I could trust him. He’d done more than prove himself to me. And now because of one mistake I could lose the best thing that ever happened to me.

* * *

The next day was Christmas Eve and Mom had to work. She said it would be better when she wasn’t working in the call center, but until then me and Val were stuck without her. We rented some old black and white Christmas movie and sat underneath blankets on the couch.

I tried to focus on the movie, but all I could think about was John. Valerie wanted me to take the keys to her