Hi. It’s your mommy. Right now you are fast asleep in your bassinet. I don’t know how many more nights I will get to watch you sleep. You look so beautiful and peaceful. You have no worries or fears. Everything for you is perfect. You don’t know about this scary world.
I want you to know how much I love you. Mommy never dreamed in a million years that you would be as perfect as you are. You have changed so much in my life and opened my eyes to a whole new world. I thought I had my life all planned out until I found out I was going to be a mommy. What I thought were my dreams didn’t even come close to becoming a mother. Marrying your daddy and becoming a family, that is my one dream come true. You are my dream come true.
There won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t be by your side. When things get hard, I will always be there to listen. The rustle in the leaves, the sun kissing your cheeks, the stars shining at night…that will be me watching over you. Even if I can’t be here I will always protect you. You are my everything, Londyn. When given the choice, I would choose you over and over, every time. Choosing you was the easiest choice I ever made. I knew I wanted to be your mommy more than anything.
I know how it feels to grow up with just one parent. It hurts. But, you got lucky just like mommy. Your daddy is the best. Just watching him with you and the way he looks at you. You are the center of his universe. I hope one day he finds someone who fills the void and makes him happy. Someone who loves you as much as I do. You and your daddy deserve happiness and love. And, I know that somewhere out there the perfect woman is waiting.
You, my beautiful babygirl are the closest I will ever come to magic. My greatest wish for you is that you always know how much I love you. And, for the rest of your life you know how great my love for you was. I never knew what love was until I was holding you in my arms. Until I was counting your little fingers and tiny toes. All it took was your small, sweet hand grasping onto mine for you to totally consume me.
All my dreams came true the first time I heard your heartbeat. I didn’t look at everything I was walking away from, instead I looked at everything I was gaining. The minute they placed you in my arms, you slipped right into my heart.
I want you to grow up loving Disney. Disney taught me everything I want you to know.
1. Hakuna Matata, it means no worries.
2. Nothing’s impossible.
3. Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.
4. Dreams can come true.
5. Remember, always let your conscience be your guide.
I love you babygirl. Never give up faith and dream bigger than the sky.
All my love xoxo
Mommy
I was standing there staring at the piece of paper in my hands, no clue what to do. Cobie was sick, I’ve known that for months. But, reading the letters she wrote to Londyn ripped my heart apart. Cobie knew she didn’t have much longer.
Three days later Cobie wasn’t acting like herself. She would stare off into space and when she would talk she wouldn’t make sense. I had had enough. I decided to call her mom and take her to the hospital.
Carrie answered in the second ring. “Hey, sweetie.”
“Carrie, something is wrong. Cobie isn’t acting like herself. I’m taking her to the hospital. Can you watch Londyn?”
Carrie choked back her tears and said, “I’m going with you. I will have Cobie’s aunt watch Londyn. I’ll call Kelli on my drive over. She should get to your house a few minutes after me.”
“Ok. I’m going to throw some things in a bag for Cobie and me so we are ready when you get here.”
“Gage, calm down. I’m sure it’s just all the pain medication they have her on. Dr. Emmons said this could happen.”
Shutting my eyes I rubbed my thumbs hard against them. “I know, Carrie. I’m just scared. I thought I was prepared for all of this to start happening but now that it is, I’m not ready.”
Carrie was silent, I heard her car radio through the speaker. “Honey, at least we had a warning with Co. I had nothing with her father. We have had months to spend time with her and make wonderful memories. Treasure that. I’m almost to your house, let me call Kelli.” She didn’t wait for my response before she hung up.
She was right. We were lucky enough to be given time with her. So many were robbed of that. The last year had been the best of my life. I opened my own club, was blessed with a beautiful, healthy babygirl, and married my best friend.
As soon as Carrie and Kelli got to our house we left. Cobie was worse than she had been earlier.
She was shutting down. I could see her eyes go in and out of focus. She was lost. I was losing her right in front of my own eyes. The thirty minute drive from our house to the hospital seemed to take days. On the way Carrie called Larkin and Jenna to let them know what was going on and promised to keep them updated.
Once we made it to the hospital Cobie was instantly admitted and hooked up to oxygen, IV’s, and monitors. The nurse took tube after tube of blood with no promise of when they would have the results.
Carrie and I sat holding Cobie’s hands. She didn’t talk. She didn’t respond. She was gone. Physically she was still here, but mentally she was gone.
“I think you should call Larkin.” I spoke to Carrie but looked at Cobie.
“Let’s just wait until we talk to the doctor. I think it’s all her medication counter reacting with each other.” Carrie said, trying to sound sincere.
“Carrie, I really think you should call Larkin. He needs to be here.”
Carrie called Larkin and I called my parents. Once again, everyone was flying in.
The doctor came in a few minutes later to talk to us. Holding his hand out to me first I shook his. “Mr. Tucker, I’m Dr. Chang. After reviewing your wives tests it appears she has sepsis and her cancer has more or less taken over her entire body. Dr. Emmons sent me an email explaining Cobie didn’t want any more scans after her initial diagnoses and this is exactly what we feared would happen.”
My eyes were burning. My throat was constricting. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Everything was moving but nothing was making noise. “Wh-what does that mean?”
“Mr. Tucker, I am so sorry but if you have any family out of town, I think now would be a good time to have them come in. It is irreversible. There is nothing we can do except keep her comfortable.”
Carrie wrapped her arm around me. “We already called and they will be here tonight.”
Dr. Chang looked Cobie over then turned to his nurse and asked, “Susie, is Mrs. Tucker a DNR?”
Before Susie could answer I blurted out, “Hell no. She is a full code.”
Dr. Chang ignored my outburst and calmly said, “Thank you, Mr. Tucker.”
Carrie laid her head on my shoulder, her tears wetting my shirt. “Dr. Chang could you please explain why this was so sudden? She went from zero to sixty overnight.”
Dr. Chang crossed his arms before saying, “Sometimes this is just how it happens. But, if I had to guess it has slowly been progressing but it wasn’t so noticeable until this point.”
No sooner than the words left Dr. Chang’s mouth, Cobie’s monitors started going off. The room filled with multiple doctors and nurses.
Dr. Chang barked out orders and had a nurse usher Carrie and I out of the room. I knew I needed to get out of the way so the doctors could work but I want to be with my wife. She needed me now. I needed her.
It felt like we were in the hall for days before Dr. Chang slipped out the door.
“Mr. Tucker.”
I cut the doctor off and rushed up to him. “Please tell me she is still alive.”
Dr. Chang placed his hand on my shoulder. “Your wife is still alive but she is being supported my machines. We had to put her in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. It’s not good. I’m so sorry, Mr. Tucker.”
I fell to the ground. In the middle of the fucking hospital, I lost it. I begged. I pleaded.
