Beautiful Misery

I kissed Cobie’s lips and whispered, “I love you.” I pulled her hand up to my mouth and softly kissed it. Larkin had fiddled with his phone again and sat it back on her chest. Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch came on. I smiled. Cobie said the day we found out we were having a girl that this was our song. “Here that, baby. That’s our song. Larkin’s playing it for us. He knows how wild I am and how perfect you are, it’s not a secret. Who knew how fitting this song would actually end up being? You are my angel, Co. You walked in when I needed you most. You saved me. You gave me that one thing I was missing. You were the star in my darkest nights. I promise I will spend my forever telling Londyn how much you love her. Its ok baby, you can go. You don’t have to fight anymore. Wait for me up there. This isn’t our goodbye, you hear me? This is see you later.” I kissed her lips one more time. “I love you, Co, so much more than you could ever imagine.”

Carrie, Larkin, Jenna, and I held on to Cobie’s hands. My head was resting on her shoulder when I saw her chest stop moving. Raising my head I kissed her lips one last time. “Until we meet again. I love you.”

I lost it.

“Mr. Tucker, I am so sorry.” Dr. Chang rested his hand on my shoulder.

Cobie lost her fight to cancer March twelfth, ten thirty one at night.

             I saw face after face and nodded like I understood what they were saying but it was all a blur. I was acting on autopilot. I followed the motions but didn’t know what I was doing. If I heard one more person tell me ‘they were sorry for my loss’ or ‘I can only imagine how you feel’, I was going to scream.

They were sorry for my loss? What the fuck? Cobie was my wife not my cell phone. You lose your cell phone. You don’t lose your wife. And, no you cannot even begin to fathom how I was feeling. The one person that made my life feel complete again is gone. I would no longer make her coffee in the mornings or help her take a bath at night.

Scrubbing my hand down my face, I leaned over to Larkin and whispered, “I need to get out of here for a little bit.”

Larkin nodded and said, “I understand. I got Londyn. Take a break.”

I had done well at the funeral but now that people were gathering at our house I was losing steam. Everywhere I looked I saw Cobie. Her medicine bottles were on the kitchen counter, her cell phone was sitting on the coffee table. Her lotion was on the dresser, her makeup bag was open on the vanity, her boots that she hadn’t worn in months were still sitting by the back door, and her cherry red BMW was sitting in the garage. She was everywhere.

Escaping out the back door, I jogged down the patio steps and followed the dirt path through our twenty acres. It was mid- March and in Ohio it’s still pretty cold. I could see my breath as I walked, but I didn’t care. It helped numb the pain. Finding a large rock beside the semi frozen creek I took a seat.

Cobie, if you were here I’m sure you would yelling at all those people in our house making a mess and not using coasters. It’s only been two days but I miss you so much already. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life with this empty feeling? You filled a place in my life I never thought could be repaired. You made me whole. I wish you were here. You would love this weather, crazy girl. You loved the cold, cloudy days and sitting by the creek. Just send me a sign, anything letting me know you’re still with us.

It began to snow. Cobie loved the snow and making snow angels.

She was my snow angel. 

13

Gage

5 MONTHS LATER

“Mom, you sure you will be ok with Londyn?” I kissed my daughter’s chubby cheek one more time.

Laughing, my mom pried Londyn from my arms and said, “I think I can handle it. I mean, I did raise you and your brother. Besides, she told me she wanted some Gran time.”

“This is the first time I have left her for more than a few hours si-since Cobie.” I closed my eyes and rubbed my face before continuing, “Maybe I shouldn’t go tonight. The bar has done just fine without me. Londyn needs me.”

“Sweetheart, it has been five months since Cobie pasted. You need to get out and live. Londyn will be just fine. You can call or text me any time to check-in on her. We have a big night planned. After dinner we are going for a walk on the beach, bath time, then snuggling up and enjoying a bed time bottle.”

Frowning, I relented. “Ok, I’ll go. But only for a little while. Larkin and Jenna have been begging me to go out with them so I guess I shouldn’t let them down.”

“Go and have fun. Stay out as late as you want. The guest house is unlocked. Enjoy being baby free. Londyn will be here in the morning when you wake up. You deserve to have a life, honey.”

“I guess buying a house here will come in handy, huh?” I asked, smiling at my mom.

Tamra Tucker and I have not always seen eye-to-eye on my life’s choices but she has always supported me. Now that I’m a parent I see where she was coming from all those years. A parent wants what is best for their child.

“This isn’t me telling you ‘I told you so’…but I told you so.”

My mom and I both laughed before I kissed Londyn one more time. Running my hand through her wavy brown hair I whispered, “Love you princess. Daddy will see you in the morning. Be good for Gran.”

I took a few steps toward the door but stopped and looked over my shoulder. “Thanks, mom. I love you.”

My mom gave me a half smile and said, “You’re welcome, sweetie. I love you, too.”

This place was packed. I pulled around to the side of the building where the employees park and shut my car off. I already missed Londyn.

Unplugging my phone from the car charger I dialed my mom.

“Hey, sweetheart. Everything is great here. Your daughter just ate a jar of peas and a jar of apples. We are getting wiped off then heading to the beach for a little while. We love you. Goodbye.”

My mom didn’t pause for a second, nor did she wait for me to say anything before she ended the call.

Laying my head back I stared out at the ocean. Cobie never got to see Londyn play in the sand or the way she giggles when the waves splash her. Londyn loves the ocean. Closing my eyes, I rested my arm across my forehead.

“Are you dead?” Jenna asked, tapping on my window.

I wish.

I felt around for the door handle and opened the door. “What?”

“Larkin told me he saw you pull in but never get out of your car. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

Popping my eyes open, I said, “Everything is peachy. My wife is dead, my daughter wants her Gran over me, and I’m living with my parents. Yeah, I would say everything is wonderful, wouldn’t you?”

Jenna raised onto her tippy toes and stuck her finger in my face. “You listen here, Gage. I know you’re hurting, but that does not give you the right to treat me like shit.” Jenna lowered herself and put her hands on her hips. “I wanted tonight to be a good night. If there is any chance in hell that’s going to happen, this ‘poor me’ attitude is going to have to go. I am in no mood for it. I swear as God as my witness if you test me tonight Gage Tucker, I will knock the shit outta you.”

I looked at Jenna for a moment before turning my attention back to the ocean. “You think Cobie would have liked living here?”

Jenna’s body relaxed a little as she smiled. “Yeah, I do. She loved the ocean.”

“I’m coming back. I signed a deal with the Saints.”

Jenna threw her arms around my neck. “No way? I’m so proud of you!”

“Yes. My agent called me earlier today letting me know.”

“You two ready to go inside?” Larkin asked, his voice sounding a little pissy.