new insights.
She and Victor discussed the difference between desire -defined as a joyously peaceful acceptance of the fact that what you most want to happen will happen-and anxiety, which was defined as a fear that what you most want to happen will not happen.
Then I talked about my realization that I would have to live on Micro Island soon if I was to learn how to evolve beyond my micro past to a Macro future. Victor agreed with me but suggested that I develop my Macro powers more fully before I volunteered as a resource person or tutor for Micro Islanders.
We discussed various ways of doing this. I wondered whether or not Carol should accompany me to Micro Island. We decided that her presence could help me grow a lot faster than if I went alone. She was delighted that I wanted her to come along.
As we were leaving, I told Victor that I was sure I had known him before. He laughed and said that he could remember having been tortured to death by me when I was a fanatical Italian cardinal. He assured me, however, that we had experienced other pleasant life-times together.
Back in our Alpha room Carol and I bathed together, then stretched out on our huge bed.
We discussed our day, and I mentioned how intriguing it was that I fortuitously translated to a point in time' where there were so many of my friends or enemies from the past.
She assured me that there was nothing fortuitous about it. She went on to explain that all souls travel in groups, experiencing and re-experiencing each other in different roles, much the same as players in a road company who fill many different roles in many different plays, in many different towns, before their contract runs out. Yet, they, are always interacting with basically the same players.
I teased her, saying that if she was my fellow player I might stay on the road forever. We rolled across the bed to the rhythm of her laughter.
She asked C.I. to provide Macro contact stimuli as we attempted to free our minds of all micro concern and accept the macrocosmic oneness of all.
Once again I became part of a great river flowing toward the beginning and end of all things-toward the infinite macrocosmic ocean. I flowed on and on, but this time there was an urgency to my movement. Instead of flowing in ever larger channels there seemed to be a constriction that was producing tension and unrest within me. I fought to break the growing pressure of restriction, but the harder I struggled, the greater the pressure grew, until my mind was filled with pain. Finally I screamed aloud, and the Macro stimuli ended along with the constricting pressure within my mind.
I looked at Carol and saw that her eyes were closed but her face was damp with tears, and I realized that my eyes were wet, too.
'What happened?' I asked. 'What went wrong?'
Carol opened her eyes and looked at me. Then with a sad, tender smile she said, 'I'm sorry, Jon, that I couldn't help you. It was my anxiety for Macro contact that got in our way again.'
'Someone I used to know once told me that each thing happens in its own time. You can't push the river,' I teased to lighten the mood.
'Knowing and doing are two very different things!' Carol responded, then added, 'In order to apply what we learned this afternoon we must give up all micro desires that we are clinging to for maintenance of our micro egos.'
I shook my head, saying, 'That sounds so impossible that I don't understand how I ever achieved even one Macro contact, much less two of them.'
'You had less to lose then, Jon-less to let go of,' Carol said. 'Now your micro pleasures are greater and they seem to outweigh your pleasure in and desire for Macro contact while at the same time. increasing your anxiety for it!'
'What a dilemma,' I moaned. 'The more happiness I find with you and the Macro society, the less willing I am to give it up. The less willing I am to give it up, the less able I am to attain Macro contact. And if I can't attain more Macro contacts, I won't grow in awareness and I will lose it all!'
Suddenly we were entwined in one another's arms passionately devouring each other with kisses in a desperate effort to overcome a possible future of dismal separation and loss. I called to C.I. for Macro stimuli and the mounting resonances of our soul note vibrations filled the room. Now we could focus our minds and, thus, our bodies on Macro immersions, which did not require the giving up of everything and the acceptance of everything, as did Macro contact. Now we could concentrate on joining our two surging, pulsating rivers of desire for each other into one great river of peaceful unity and contentment. We succeeded gloriously.
As we lay resting peacefully together I thought to myself that this Macro immersion, which Carol and I had achieved, was so much more satisfying than any physical union I had ever experienced that I would never give it up voluntarily now that I had found it.
Yet, as I thought this, I heard Carol's voice in my mind saying, 'But, Jon, you know that what we are enjoying is only temporal at best, lasting but a few minutes or hours. What we are both seeking is the infinite, timeless joy of total Macro awareness. Our anxiety regarding the possible loss of what we share only impedes our progress.
'We must move steadily on toward the ability to enjoy today fully without insisting that tomorrow hold the same thing. A foot must give up the security of one rung of a ladder before it can gain the security and achievement of a higher rung.'
I sighed. 'I know you're right, Carol. Every little girl knows that someday she will grow up and stop playing with dolls. Still, it would be difficult for her to imagine ever wanting to give them up.'
'That's the nicest part, Jon. You don't ever have to give up anything that you don't want to give up. It's just that what you want to give up and what you want to keep changes with each plateau you reach. For example, I know that you no longer 'want to keep' having sexual unions with anyone whose soul vibrations are not very close to your own. Yet this is not because anyone told you, you had to give them up. It's the natural and inevitable evolution of the soul. Only by giving up the unevolved part of our micro load are we able to step one rung higher.'
We kissed again with great longing and a tinge of sadness. Then I gently pushed Carol away from me and withdrew from her until we were separated by several feet. We lay for a while just looking at each other. Finally I said, 'Carol, I'm not ready to give up my feelings for you. I want to possess you and cling to you, and I realize that these feelings are micro, not Macro.'
'I feel the same way,' she said. 'Never before in this lifetime have I felt so intensely about anyone. But then, that's evolutionary, too. Each love we share prepares us to more fully experience the better one which lies ahead if we just evolve enough to be willing to take the risk of loving again and again as long as we live.'
'It was two lifetimes ago that we lived together on that South Pacific island and loved each other as we love now,' I recalled.
'You're thinking that if you hadn't remembered that past life your feelings for me wouldn't have grown so intense, aren't you?' Carol said.
'Yes,' I said, 'but I'm very happy that I did remember you, for that was the most enjoyable lifetime I have yet reviewed, in spite of its tragic ending.'
'Oh, Jon,' she said, 'I love you so much, but I can remember a lifetime many ages ago which I shared with a twin soul, and I know that someday I will reunite with him just as someday you will reunite with Lea.'
I thought about what she had just said and then I smiled.
'You're right, as always,' I said. 'When I'm with Lea I know that she represents ultimate completion for me. I know that I love her with every vibration of my soul, my mind, and my body. But, Carol, I also know that I love you with a love that is equal in ultimate value, if not in ultimate nature.'
'It is this very problem,' Carol replied, 'that must be resolved in order to attain the highest levels of awareness.'
'You mean,' I said, 'that Lea has already solved this problem?'
'Of course,' Carol nodded. 'She wouldn't be aquamarine if she hadn't been able to give up all micro desires many times. Certainly to be able to give you to me so that you may obtain Macro immersion and Macro contacts with me, not herself, demonstrates very highly evolved awareness and balance.'
Now Carol closed the distance between us and was once more nestled in my arms. 'Lea can remember,' she continued, 'lifetimes with you that you have not yet remembered. It's significant that when she was guiding you
