Best,
Honor
I finish typing up my daily email to Dr. Hart. Just the act of doing this task has me thinking about what has changed in my life over the past two weeks. I’ve moved into a hotel and soon will find my own place. I also have a girlfriend whom I genuinely like spending time with. Grace makes me want to be something I’m not. Try new things I wouldn’t try. Live a little. I’m taking yoga classes four times a week, which is physically pushing my body in a healthy way. And I’m going on a date with a man. A devastatingly good-looking man. I’ve lived more in the past two weeks than I have in the last two years. Hannon would be so proud. I wish he was here to share it with.
The sadness that comes with thinking about Hannon wafts around me, but it doesn’t pull me down to that ugly place where I need to do terrible things just to feel something. I’m already feeling something, and it’s good and positive. It’s excitement about what’s ahead, not dread and fear or anger. I’m looking forward to what this next week will bring. I just have to get through my second aerial yoga class and my date with the Italian Stallion.
Now the fear of not being enough for a man like Nick prods my psyche, but I push it back like Dr. Hart taught me. Redirect. I pull out my phone and bring up Sean’s name.
I’ve made a new friend. Her name is Grace, and she’s lovely. She teaches yoga. You should try yoga with me sometime.
Once I finish typing the message, I set about hanging my new clothes in the walk-in closet. The nice thing about having an endless bank account is you can stay in a fully furnished penthouse in a five-star hotel without batting an eye. It has all the luxuries of living on my own: great furniture, a pool, gym, a walk-in closet, and a tub that’s big enough to bathe a small whale. Plus, I technically own it, so I can take my time finding the right place for me.
My phone buzzes in my robe pocket.
Bunny, that’s awesome. So happy for you. I want to meet her…soon?
He wants to meet Grace. Only Grace doesn’t know about Sean or Hannon, and I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever go there with her. Is that something a person needs to share with friends? I’ll have to ask Dr. Hart. Sharing is a new thing for me and one I’m not exactly eager to get into. I prefer to have my relationship with Grace be light, not covered in my darkness.
Maybe at yoga sometime? I go four times a week now.
Instead of my phone buzzing his response, it rings in my hand. Sean Tillman flashes on the display.
“Hello.”
“Honor…baby girl, I’m so happy you made a new friend. And yoga four times a week! Tell me everything!” he insists, a hint of pride in his voice, sounding like the old Sean of years past.
At hearing his jovial tone and letting his excitement coat my nerves, I settle into the huge bed and curl my knees up against my chest, covering my toes with the comforter.
“She teaches yoga at the place I go. Sean, she’s crazy, and fun, but mostly, she’s really nice and sweet.”
He laughs. “Sounds like a good friend to have. You met her when taking her yoga class, you said in the text? And who knew! Honor taking yoga. Hannon would love it.” He laughs.
Hannon would love it.
My heart sinks as I remember that my brother is not here to share in this new development in my world. Worse, the man he was going to spend his life with is moving on and dating another man.
I sigh, the sound weighing down the conversation. “Yes, she’s the exact opposite of me. Smiles a lot. Happy all the time. And she’s a great yoga teacher.”
“I’d like to take her class with you sometime. You know I want to spend time with you. Just us, doing something productive.” His tone is somber, coated with the emotions he’s not saying. It’s not lost on me that I remind him of what he no longer has. He does the same to me. Together we’re definitely a sad pair, but we’re also the only two people who loved Hannon and will remember him forever.
“It’s okay if it’s too hard still,” I whisper, wanting him to have an out. “I just wanted you to know that I took your advice. I’m seeing Dr. Hart regularly, and she’s helping me, Sean. I’ve moved out of my parents’ house, and I’m… Well, I’m doing a lot better right now. I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m getting there.”
A heavy breath precedes Sean’s response. “Bunny, I’m relieved to hear that. I worry about you. You’re family. Part of the only family I have left.”
I clear my throat as my eyes water. I press my fingers into my temples. “I know you do. And I love you for it. And we’ll always be family.”
“You promise?” His voice cracks.
“Yeah, I promise.”
“I’m glad I called. Let me check my schedule, and I’ll text you when I’m off next. You can take me to one of your classes. Maybe the one with your new friend Grace.”
Closing my eyes, I smile, imagining him meeting my new friend. “I’d like that, Sean. I love you.”
“I love you too, Bunny.
