She lifts her hands and waves them in front her. “No, no, not at all. Nick Salerno is an amazing man, and if you’ve caught his eye, and he wants to be with you, that says something about you. It just also means I have intimate knowledge of the man you’re very likely going to want to talk about more often in therapy.”
“Which means what?” I twist my fingers together, sensing the unease filling the air in the room.
Dr. Hart lets out a long breath. “Honor, what it means is that it may not be ethical for me to continue being your doctor.” Her eyes are somber and filled to the brim with what I can only guess is sadness.
No. Oh no. I shake my head. Shivers of fear and dread ripple up my spine and out my arms. I clench my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms fiercely with no concern whatsoever if I wound them.
“No. I’m finally doing good with someone. With you. I need you, Dr. Hart. You can’t turn me away.” Anxiety and alarm prickle at my skin as if hundreds of ants were crawling all over my body. I start to scratch at the length of my forearm, digging into the skin to ease the tension. It doesn’t work.
Monet gets up, her burgeoning belly seeming to lead the way before she sits and grabs my hands so I can’t move them along my tingling nerves.
“Honor, I don’t want to lose you as a client. I’m just worried about being able to give you a blind perspective on your relationship and the inner workings of it when I know both parties. Do you understand my position? What I’m saying?”
I lick my lips and grit my teeth.
She doesn’t want to see you anymore.
She’s probably been looking for a reason to get rid of you.
Poor, stupid Honor.
“Let’s talk about this. Figure out a plan. I can recommend an associate if that’s what we need to do. But there are options we can discuss first…”
Her words are a jumble in my mind. Just another person who wants to get away from me.
Honor the cutter.
The loser.
The rich little brat whose brother killed himself and left her behind, alone.
“Honor, what’s going on in your mind? What are you thinking right now?” Her words seem genuine, but how do I know that for fact anymore? She wants to get rid of me. Pawn me off on someone else.
“What do you care?” Tears prick the back of my eyes as the anger and distrust seep into my mind.
Her head jerks back, and a hand goes over her heart. “I care very much. We’ve been in a professional relationship for months now. Of course I care about your well-being. But I need to do what’s best for you as well. And that may be finding you another therapist who doesn’t know you or Nicholas personally.”
I huff. My well-being. All she cares about his getting rid of me.
She’s lying. Just like everyone else. My mother, my brother, Sean. For all I know, Nick is lying to me too.
I stand up, ripping my hands away from hers and pushing them through my hair, tugging at the roots. The prick of pain at the top of my scalp flares with a brilliant flicker of ease. Just one blessed speck of freedom in that split second of pain firing through my system.
“Fine. Whatever you want, Dr. Hart. I’ll save you the trouble of letting me go as a client and just leave now. You no longer need to worry about poor Honor Carmichael.”
I rush out of her office, feet moving faster than my mind can keep up. Her voice is calling for me to stop, to stay, as I step onto the elevator.
“Honor, please…” She makes it to the metal doors where I stand. She’s holding her pregnant belly and breathing heavily. I almost feel sorry for her, but I don’t allow the part of me that cares to the surface. Only the dark, numb side of me is present.
She takes a deep breath. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help you the best way I know how.”
“By pushing me away.” I shake my head. “You’re just like everyone else.”
This time she shakes her head and reaches for me, but the doors on the elevator start to close. I hold out my hand. “It’s fine, Dr. Hart. I’m nobody. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I’m sorry I took up so much of your time. Have a nice life.” I finish as the doors close, leaving me in the steel metal box alone.
Alone is where I’m supposed to be. I’m not good enough for anyone. Especially Nick. I’m not sure what I was thinking. Living a lie these past several weeks.
He asked me to go to his mother’s. I’m not good enough to meet anyone’s mother, let alone Nick’s and all his sisters. Even Grace. She’s everything I’m not. Love and light and pure beauty. She’s untainted by the world and doesn’t need a toxic friend bringing her down.
Absolutely not. There’s no way I can show my hideous face in front of people who are worthy of so much more.
The elevator whooshes me down to the lobby level. Tears streak my face as I dash out of the building and hail a cab.
Just as I get into the cab, my heart cold and dark, my cell phone rings. I don’t even have the state of mind to view the display before hitting the “answer” key.
“Honor Carmichael, you ungrateful little heathen. You better answer your mother when she speaks to you.” Her words are acid, pouring over my soul, making gaping holes I’ll never be able to fill.
“I’m here.” Physically.
“The staff have informed me that you apparently moved out without giving word.”
“Yes.”
“And you’re living in a hotel…” she starts.
“It’s my hotel, Mother.” I answer on autopilot because it’s true. My
