My phone pings and my heart soars when I see a text from the man occupying my thoughts.
Rach, I’m sorry.
Wait, what? He’s sorry? What is he sorry for? Even after my epiphany, old worries creep back in.
I didn’t know she was back, or that she’d show up here out of the blue.
I relax, all the love I feel for the hot daddy next door flooding me.
I know.
Why did you leave?
I want to go over there more than anything, I really do. But I’m an adult, confident in my feelings for the man next door, and confident in his for me, so I text back. To give you two time to talk.
Yeah, I guess we need to.
Is she still there?
In the bathroom. We have a lot to talk about.
I understand.
You and I do, too. Come home after Sarah leaves, okay. I don’t care what time it is. I’ll be waiting up for you. I need to see you, Rach.
My heat swells. Sara’s not staying and he needs to see me.
I type in I love you, take a deep breath, then delete it. I don’t want the first time he hears that from me to be through text. I change the text to, Okay.
I read his text again and then close my eyes, pressing my phone to my chest as if it will bring Jaxon closer to me. Warmth seeps through me and pushes the chill of anxiety away. I open my eyes again and see the box on my bed. I had totally forgotten about it in my angst over Sara.
I toss my phone onto my nightstand and tear into the box. But as soon as I see the contents, I know Jaxon will never, ever in this lifetime, hear those three little words, I love you, from me.
18
Jaxon Jaxon
“Hey Cassie, why don’t you open that one there,” I say and point to the big box under the Christmas tree. It’s taking everything inside me to keep a smile on my face, and make sure my daughter has the perfect Christmas morning.
“What is it, Daddy?” she asks her face beaming, but underneath our smiles we’re both hurting. After Rachel left us seventeen days ago, went back to her place, we never set eyes on her again. I thought she was going to come over after Sarah and I had a talk, but when I texted her and didn’t get an answer, I checked the driveway to find her car gone. I went over, and asked her roommates where she’d gone, only to be told she’d received a big package and then upped and left.
Who was the package from and where the fuck did she go?
Did she think Sarah and I were getting back together? I’d gotten the sense that she knew different, which has left me wracking my brain to figure this shit out.
You weren’t enough for her, Jaxon.
Fuck man, could that have been it? Could she have cut out of here because she was done with us and didn’t know how to tell us. I’m driving myself crazy trying to figure this out, and why the hell isn’t she answering any of my texts?
“Daddy, it’s a dolly,” Cassie says and I blink to get myself back in the present. But my daughter is a smart one. She sets the doll down, comes over to me and puts her hands on my cheek. “Daddy, do you miss Rachel?”
How the hell do I answer that?
I swallow, wanting to lie for her sake, but I swore I’d always to be honest with my child—with everyone. “Yeah, kiddo, I do.”
“I do too.” Her hands fall from my face. “When is she coming back?”
“I’m not sure.”
She looks down, so goddamn sad, my already broken heart cracks a little more. I never thought Rachel would up and leave like Sarah did. I’m angry about that, angry that she would hurt Cassie. Hurt me.
“I’m glad she’s not my mommy,” she says and it takes everything in me not to fucking sob.
“Hey why don’t you see what’s in that package. It’s a special one from me.”
As I distract Cassie, a knock comes on my door and my heart leaps with hope. “You open that and I’ll be right back.” I push off the couch I hurry to the door, but when I open it, it’s Judy and Karl on my stoop. I catch the worried look on their faces and exhale a sharps breath.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Have you seen Sarah?” Judy asks, and toys with the pearls around her neck—a nervous tick. “Is she here?”
“No,” I say. After that first night, I refused to let Sarah back in my home until she could prove she was clean and sober for the next few months. I had to make sure she was on the straight and narrow before I let her see Cassie. She had to prove herself to us.
“She left last night, said she was coming here,” Karl informs me.
I shake my head. Here we fucking go again. “She’s not here.”
“Who is Cassie talking to?” Judy asks. What, does she think I’m fucking lying to her?
“It’s a new interactive game I got her for Christmas.”
Judy makes a face, like she’d just sucked on something sour. “Oh, I thought it was that girl.”
I crack my neck, bite back a sharp
