By now Lajjawati could guess my sincerity and love for her. She began to cry. I’m not a mean person. I have never nursed any bitterness against anyone. But I don’t know why at that moment I felt happy at Lajjawati’s crying. But even in her state of distress I couldn’t resist the temptation to mock her. ‘Lajja, I’m lamenting my fate. Probably I’m complaining against your cruelty. But why are you crying?’
Lajjawati looked at me reproachfully and said, ‘You won’t understand the secret of these tears because you have never tried to understand me. You try to derive pleasure by mocking me. Who can I mock? How do you know how much restraint I have to exercise on myself? How much patience, how many nights I had to spend crying and turning from side to side before coming to a decision. Your aristocratic family, your estate and wealth—all these stand as a barrier in my way. I know that at this moment you are oblivious to your family and your estate. But I also know that your thoughts nurtured in the cool shade of the college cannot put up with the real challenges of life for long. You might regret your decision afterwards and repent it. I don’t want to be a thorn in your flesh.
I softened a little and said, ‘The circumstances that you say would destroy my thoughts, would they not have a similar effect on your thoughts too?’
Lajjawati said, ‘No, I am absolutely certain that they won’t have any effect on me. My family never possessed an estate. My father has obtained his current position through his hard work and by giving private tuitions. I will never have the vanity of possessing estates and mansions. Just as you can never obliterate vanity from your mind, I will never acquire it without destroying myself.’
I said in a spirited voice, ‘Well, I cannot obliterate family pride. This is beyond my power. But I can give up the estate from today for you. I will donate it to some good cause and both of us can earn our livelihood through our work.’
A cruel smile played on Lajjawati’s lips when she said, ‘This is an emotional response. Emotion cannot guide us in a matter which determines the future of two lives. Sharda, to tell you the truth I do not yet know in which direction the boat of my life will sail. But I am constrained by circumstances. I do not want to poison your life.’
When I left her I was more thoughtful than depressed because Lajjawati had presented me with a new problem.2Sharda Charan
Keshav and I did our MA in the same year. Keshav passed in the first division, I in the second. He got a job as a lecturer in a college in Nagpur. I returned home and began to manage my estate. While parting we hugged and said a tearful farewell to each other. We left behind our rivalry and jealousy in college.
I was the first landowner of the region who had obtained an MA. In the beginning the government officials welcomed me enthusiastically, but when they came to know about my ideological leanings, they turned rather cold. I also gave up socializing with them and spent most of my time on my courses.
In less than a year, a position in the council fell vacant because of the death of a landowner. I did not make any individual efforts to enter the council, but the farmers gave me the responsibility of representing them. Poor Keshav could be giving lectures in his college; no one knew where he was and what he was doing. I became a member of the council because of my family lineage. My speeches were published in the newspapers. The questions I raised in the council were appreciated. I gained a special status in the council; several gentlemen were there who supported socialism. Initially they had been subdued because of the controlling circumstances, but now they opened up. We formed a separate party of socialists and became activists for the rights of the farmers. Most of the landowners ignored me, and some among them threatened me. But I did not leave my appointed path. How could I ignore this opportunity for service to the people? Before the end of two years I began to be counted as one of the chief leaders of the nation. I had to work hard, I had to read, write and speak endlessly but that did not deter me. For this diligence I was indebted to Keshav as he had made me accustomed to it.
Keshav and Professor Bhatia used to write me letters regularly. Sometimes I also met Lajjawati. From her letters it was evident that her respect and love for me were increasing day by day. She would describe my service to the nation in very generous and encouraging words. Her initial apprehension about me was disappearing. My dedication was bearing fruit. Keshav’s letters spoke of his despair because his academic life was not prosperous and even after three years he was not promoted. From his letters it seemed as though he was not content with his life. Probably the main reason for this was that his golden dream remained unfulfilled. In the third year, Professor Bhatia came to see me during the summer vacation and returned very happily. After a week Lajjawati’s letter
