When I saw him yesterday I couldn’t recognize him. How bright his face was earlier, how well-endowed his body, he was the very embodiment of health. Everything has changed in these three years—his face has become pale and the body has shrunk to become like a thorn. His meal has reduced by half and he always seems to be absorbed in some thought. He hardly goes out. He has so many servants and the place is so beautiful. All objects of entertainment are there, but he considers his life now enveloped in darkness. A curse on this disease! If it had such hunger, why didn’t it prey on me? I would have welcomed it eagerly. If there were some means by which the disease left him and caught me! How he would brighten up and begin to smile at the sight of me! Every pore of his body would be thrilled. And now, this is my second day here, but I have not seen him smile even once. When I stepped on to the veranda, he did smile for a moment but it was a wan smile. Babuji could not stop his tears; he went to another room and kept crying for a long time. People enter the council to earn fame and prestige, their only aim is to build a reputation for themselves. This is such a cruel allegation on them. What ingratitude! One has to spoil one’s health in the service of the nation. One has to burn one’s blood. And this is the reward one gets in return! The servants here are absolutely careless. Babuji mentioned his ailment to some of his acquaintances, but they did not pay any attention. Such were his friends and their sympathy for him! Everyone was busy with their own affairs with no concern for anyone else. I felt that he is only imagining that he has tuberculosis. I can’t see any symptoms. I pray to God that what I think is right and I feel that he is afflicted with some other disease. I took his temperature a couple of times. It was normal with no sudden fluctuation. If it really is tuberculosis it must be in its initial stage. There is no reason it can’t be cured if treated properly. From tomorrow I will take him out for a walk. There is no need for the car; a phaeton will be more suitable for him. He appears to me to be somewhat careless. I have seen patients of this disease taking utmost precautions. They take their temperature at least twenty times a day. They take great care about their diet. They take fruits, milk and other nutritious minerals. They don’t eat whatever is presented to them by the cook. I feel that he’s afflicted with some other disease. If I get time I’ll try to find out. Is he under some stress? Does the estate have the burden of a big loan? Of course, there might be small loans. This is common in the case of all aristocrats. If it is a loan, it must be a huge one.6
My mind is distracted by so many worries that I don’t feel like writing anything. All my desires have come to an end. How lucky I considered myself to be! Now there will be no one in the world as unfortunate as me. I could not obtain the invaluable pearl despite my continued earnest devotion and meditation, and this deer-eyed beauty has got it so effortlessly! Sharda has seen her only recently. They hardly had any opportunity for conversation. But he is showing such infatuation for her. He has become crazy for her. God has given man only eyes, not heart. They do not know how to value the heart; they are sold on external beauty. If I am somehow convinced that Sushila would make him happier than I can, I would have no objection to her entry into his life. She is so vain and cruel that I fear Sharda will regret his decision.
But it is my self-interest that is speaking. Sushila may be vain, cruel, given to luxury, etc. but Sharda has expressed his love for her. He is intelligent, clever and far-sighted. He knows very well what is good for him. He must have taken the decision after weighing all the pros and cons. Now when he has already taken the decision, I do not have the right to be a stumbling block in the way of his happiness. I must exercise patience, self–restraint, and leave this place broken-hearted, depressed and frustrated. I pray that God makes him happier. I do not have a trace of jealousy or pride. I’d like to act according to his wishes. If it pleases him to give me poison, I will drink that with pleasure. Love is life. We want to live for it. If I have to die for it I would consider it my good fortune. If things work out for him when I leave this place then I have no objection to it. It must be God’s will, but how can a human being of flesh and blood be free of the wiles of the world? My heart aches to abandon the long nurtured and burning love that I feel. The paper is wet with my tears which I cannot control. I will be separated from the one I had thought to be my own, at whose feet I dedicated myself and whom I had made the deity of the temple of
