What will be the result of this? My heart was always bothered by this thought. I had no interest in any object of the world and, day after day, I withdrew into myself. My friends would often ask whether I was all right, because my face looked pale and dull. I ate food as though it were medicine. When I went to sleep it was as though someone had imprisoned me in a cage. If someone came to see me it seemed as though creditors had come to demand money. It was a strange situation.
One day Diwan Sahib’s phaeton came and stopped at my doorstep. He had had a collection of his speeches published, and came to present me a copy. I requested him to take a seat but he said, ‘Sushila might feel awkward to sit here. She is sitting alone in the phaeton and might be worried.’ Saying this, he left. I also went with him back to the phaeton. When he took his seat I looked at Sushila without fear. I did not know when I would have another such golden opportunity. The longing, yearning, restlessness, helplessness and devotion in my glance could have melted even a stone. Sushila was, after all, a human being. She looked at me candidly, fearlessly, with no trace of embarrassment. I felt as though she had mesmerized me with her glance. She breathed new life into my heart and my soul, as though she had saved a drowning man. When I turned back towards the veranda I was so happy, as if I had acquired the wealth of the world. That one glance was no less than the wealth of the richest person in the world.
The next day I wrote a letter to Professor Bhatia informing him that I was infected with a disease which could be the beginning of tuberculosis. I used the illness as a reason to break the contract. I wanted to be separated from Lajjawati in a way that my honour would not be lowered in her eyes. Sometimes I felt annoyed by my own selfishness. Betraying Lajjawati lowered me in my own eyes. I began to hate myself but I was also helpless. What a shock it must be to her! This thought made me cry several times. Sushila was still a bundle of secrets to me. I was sacrificing my long-time longing at the altar of her beauty like children who spurn their milk and rice when they see sweets. I had requested the professor not to mention my condition to Lajjawati. But on the fourth day I received a letter from Lajjawati in which she poured out her heart. She was ready to undergo all suffering because of me, even the travails of widowhood. She expressed the desire that we should be united as soon as possible. Even a day’s delay would be painful. I held the letter in my hand for hours and sat as though in a trance.4Lajjawati
Didn’t Savitri marry Satyavan even after knowing his condition? Why should I be afraid? Why should I stray from my path of duty? I will take vows for him, will go on a pilgrimage and will undertake meditation. Fear cannot separate him from me. I was never so deeply in love with him. I was never so restless. This is the hour of my trial and I have decided what I have to do. Babuji has just returned from his journey, his hands are empty. He could not make any preparations for marriage! If there was a delay for two or three months he would have found time for preparations. But I will not delay any more. He and I will be united this month. Our souls will come together forever, and then no calamity, no accident, can separate me from him.
Now, the delay of even a day is unbearable to me. I’m not a slave to rituals and customs, nor is he. Babuji is also not attached to rituals, then why shouldn’t I start for Nainital soon? I will look after him and give him solace. I will release him from all worries and hurdles. I’ll take the management of the whole estate in my own hands. He has come to this state because he was working day and night for the council. The newspapers are filled with his discussions, his speeches and his questions. I’ll request him to tender his resignation from the council for a couple of days. How eagerly he listens to my songs. I’ll entertain him by singing songs to him, reading stories to him, and thus keep him relaxed
