Nineteen
The Smile
Which comes when least expected.
Edie’s eyes travelled over the same chapter heading again and again. She really wanted to toss the book against the wall except that she had greater respect for books than that and her father had taught her to control her temper, especially when it was threatening to go feral. Her mind was on Theo’s impending visit. Please don’t come, please don’t come today, she begged silently. If he came, once again she would feel that overpowering urge to leave everyone she loved and run off with him.
Every Sunday when he appeared on the doorstep a war raged inside her. On one side was Theo, on the other her sister and father. She was the rope, fraying and weakening, being pulled in both directions. Once or twice Paul had said to her, ‘Why don’t you go with him, love?’
And she’d said, ‘You know full well why, Papa.’
‘But I’m sure we could manage,’ he’d say, and she’d shake her head.
There was so much that kept her at home with Gracie and Paul. Early on Gracie had been so tiny. She had struggled to grow and would gasp for breath. Doctor Appleby had said it was still touch and go and would stay that way until Gracie turned six or seven. ‘She’ll catch anything and everything,’ he told Edie and Paul many times. And Nurse Drake agreed with him, ‘She’s a slow grower.’
‘But she’ll get there in the end,’ Edie would say, and she knew she had to stay and give Gracie the best care she could. Slowly Gracie had grown stronger, though she was never the size of other children her age.
But still Edie thought of Theo constantly. Was he at his piano? Was he teaching? Was he eating enough to stay strong? Sometimes she wondered what her life would be like if she ran off with him. She knew he wanted her to. And she knew she was going to carry this love for him forever. It was a weight in her chest, a yearning that never went away. Every time Theo came to visit she wondered if she would be strong enough to resist him yet again. The thought that she might weaken one day and lose her resolve frightened her. So Edie determined more than ever that her life was committed solely and wholly to Gracie’s wellbeing. She was sure this was the right choice, and when Gracie smiled at her Edie’s heart filled with contentment and she knew she was atoning for what she had nearly done to Gracie. More than anything else she was doing what her mother wanted her to do and though she hadn’t promised her mother she would care for Gracie she had written it as a promise in her notebook. And once something was written in her notebook, it was a done deal.
‘Edie, you’re awfully quiet,’ said Paul, resting his chin on Gracie’s curls.
‘Mmm,’ said Edie and glanced at her wristwatch — ten to three.
‘He should be here soon,’ Beth said.
Edie thought Beth looked awfully pale, ‘Are you all right, Beth? You’ve looked a little pasty all day.’
‘I’m fine,’ said Beth, putting her hand over the knot in her stomach.
‘I can answer the door today,’ said Edie.
‘No, it’s my job.’
Edie was taken aback by the firmness in Beth’s voice and wasn’t going to argue with her. ‘Thank you, Beth, these weekly visits have become so difficult for me to endure.’
‘Then stop giving him hope,’ said Paul and Beth at the same time.
Tears sprang to Edie’s eyes. ‘I don’t give him hope,’ she said. ‘Do I?’
Beth wanted to say, Of course you do, you let him know every week how torn you are, how tempted you are to run after him, and that gives him hope and it’s not fair. Maybe one day she would say it. Beth looked at the clock again. It was three o’clock.
‘I’ll get it!’ Beth said and she started towards the door.
‘But no one’s knocked yet.’ Edie looked at Paul, who shrugged.
Beth went to the front door anyway and stood behind it and waited. She knew what she was waiting for, she knew what had made her so stupefied. As soon as she heard his steps on the verandah she pinched her cheeks and flung the door open and the sun shone on her face warming her skin and everything in her world seemed brighter.
‘Haven’t you given up yet?’ she barked as Theo stood, his hand raised ready to knock.
‘Maybe — maybe not. Today may be the last day I’ll ever bother you, Beth.’
‘And why would that be?’
‘Well,’ he said slowly, ‘Gracie is six today, I remember. She is past her childhood illnesses and old enough to start school come next February, so Miss Cottingham will be free of her responsibilities.’
The clouds passed in front of the sun, suffocating it, and everything in the world turned dark and grey and the thought that he might not come to the door ever again made her feel that the whole world had shrivelled up and died.
‘Oh, you don’t bother me. Why, you’re part of the furniture now,’ she said.
‘But I’ve never been past the front door. And I really wanted to see that underground house Mister Cottingham built.’
‘The underground house is for us family only. Think of yourself more as a garden gnome.’
Beth looked out into the street. ‘Brought the whole town’s orphans with you as usual I see,’ and she waved to the children that filled the street.
Theo scratched behind his ear. Beth thought it was an endearing quality. She didn’t know many men who took time to think. Colin Eales never thought, he just plunged on in — he was a boy-man really. She gazed at Theo, so close to her with only the doorstep between them. She
