Once she had made thedecision to take up Simon’s offer Gemma had rung Rebecca to ask ifshe could stay over that weekend, for the gig on Saturday the 16October, and was met with screams of delight. Victoria had phonedher the next day and said she’d keep an eye out for flats in theirarea for her to look at. Even if they were a bit full on, it feltnice to be wanted.
As Mark came in, Gemmagot up and put the kettle on. She let him tell her about the dayhe’d had and the price he’d got for the last couple of side chairsthey had to sell, then launched into it.
‘Why don’tyou sit down Mark? I’ve got something to say. I know you’ve beenwaiting patiently and I’m really grateful for all you’ve done butI’m not ready to marry you or to stay here with you either. There’sthings I want to do and I want to, I need to, do them bymyself.’
Maybe it hadn’t comeout exactly as planned but it had come out. It had probably takenless than ten seconds to blurt it out but by the end Mark’s wholedemeanour was transformed; he had slumped back in his chair andseemed shell-shocked. She felt she owed him a proper explanationand was conscious it was in danger of coming out allwrong.
‘It waslovely of you to want to marry me and I’ve never been asked beforeand I have thought hard about it, I promise. And it’s been greatbeing with you since you got out from Ford but I’ve just had enoughliving here. I gave up the probation job ages ago and I want to dosomething different now. I’ve being getting more and more bored andit’s not fair on you either. Look, I know it sounds glib but I wantto move on, to do something different with my life.’
Mark went to thefridge and opened a beer. He appeared calm enough but she couldsense his tenseness and knew there’d be a blow up soon. He cameback into the front room but didn’t sit down again; he grabbed thetop of the chair with some force, as if to keep himself in oneplace.
‘What is ityou want to do, then, and why can’t we do it together?’
His voice soundedunnaturally strained and perhaps an octave higher thanusual.
‘Well,firstly I’m going to move to London, I’ve got friends there andthere’s just so much more to get involved with as well. I need achange, Mark.’
She could see Mark’smood turning from shock to anger as he processed it all.
‘It’s thosebloody upper class snobs you stayed with the other weekend isn’tit? They reckon you could do better than being with me.’
While that might notbe too far off the mark, Gemma was well aware that it wouldn’t helpto bring anyone else in to the explanation.
‘That’s not it Mark,I’ve been thinking about this for months now.’
She knew it soundedtrite but couldn’t help herself.
‘It’s not about you,you’ve been great, it’s nothing to do with anyone, it’s aboutme.’
Gemma didn’t know howshe had actually imagined this would play out but it seemed as ifit was all going on outside of herself. It was like watching ascene from a play or even a soap opera. It was all sostereotypical, just as one would script it. She wondered if Markwas actually going to hit her. She could see his anger fightingagainst his panic.
Mark was trying tokeep a lid on things, he knew that losing his cool wouldn’t helpespecially if there was any chance of rescuing things – the thingwas he was bloody angry.
‘You’ve just used me,you’ve got what you wanted and that’s it. You’ve been planning thisall along and now you think you can just say thanks and goodbye,well no bloody chance, that’s not going to happen.’
Gemma realisedthat she needed to try to calm him down.
‘That’s notthe case, Mark, it’s just I don’t want the same as you, not nowanyway. And I know you’ve helped me so much and I’m not going toleave you with nothing and walk away, I never would.’
Gemma wonderedif it was time to offer him some sort of deal. The thing was thatthe way he was responding, she doubted it would make things anyeasier. She could almost hear his brain cranking into the nextgear.
‘I can see it now,you’ve played me along. For all I know you’ve got your eye onsomeone else and always have had. I bloody trusted you and I loveyou.’
Why did italways come down to that, why did he have to believe there had tobe another man involved? Okay, Simon was on the horizon, but Gemmaknew that he was merely a side-effect and certainly was not thecause. She tried to explain but knew that at this stage it wouldn’thelp that much.
‘Look there’s no oneelse, there never has been, I just want something else, somethingdifferent. I’m not going to rip you off either, I wouldn’t do thatafter you helped avenge my father for me. For a start, I’m going topay off the mortgage on this place and then sign it over to you onehundred per cent, and I’ll give you half the money from thefurniture you’ve sold, that’ll be a good few thousandtoo.’
It was obviousMark was hardly listening anymore; and certainly wasn’t interestedin working out a deal
