Hi. It’s Rod. Still here? I want to apologize for my outburst. It was inappropriate. You’ve been kind enough to take this journey with me, and there’s no excuse for lashing out at you in that manner. It won’t happen again. I know that you loathe Blake as much as I do and want to see him punished.
Still friends?
No? We’re not? Really?
But I apologized. I admitted that I was wrong and assured you that it would never happen again. What more do you want? Should I beg for your forgiveness? Should I throw myself onto the floor and grab your leg and plead with you to keep reading? Will that make you happy?
Fine. Whatever. There are billions of other books you can read, so we’ll leave the second half of this one blank. You can make up your own story. Maybe something about a magical elf who goes on a quest to punch a goblin or something. Or I’ll fill the rest of it with the word derp. Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp.
You think I won’t fill the rest of the book with derp? Challenge accepted! Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp.
Good luck writing your book report now. What kind of themes are you going to analyze from that, huh? Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp. Derp.
No, you’re being childish. Here, I’ll mix it up. Dah-derp. Dah-derp. Dah-derp. Dah-derpy derp derp.
I can’t do it. You’ve invested too much time into my adventure for me to stop telling it. You don’t have to accept my previous apology. I understand. You’re used to book narrators treating you with respect, and I was completely out of line. No excuses. I promise this won’t happen again if there’s a sequel.
What’s that? You accept my apology after all?
Thanks. I really appreciate it. We’re in this together. I’ll even try to use fewer parenthetical asides from now on. (Just kidding.)
Now I forget where I left off. Hold on a second while I skim back.
Audrey was saying, “I didn’t betray you, Rod. I sold Blake a couple of shirts so that he could help you.”
I pull up alongside Audrey’s house. There’s still plenty more to say, but her father isn’t the world’s biggest Rod Conklin fan. And if it looks like we’re arguing in the car or making out, he’ll come out with a golf club.
“We’ll talk about this tomorrow,” I say.
Audrey nods and gets out of the car.
I’m actually not one hundred percent sure if I should be mad at her or not. Obviously, I’m glad she sold a couple of shirts, even if it was to Blake, but she should have told me about it immediately, right? Maybe? I don’t know. I’ll figure out my feelings later.
I crank up the car stereo to “vibrate the steering wheel” volume and drive home. Loud music makes everything better, except your hearing. I hope that Blake walked back from the Lane, which would get him home around 5:00 a.m., but when I walk inside, he’s sitting on the living room couch.
“Great show!” he says.
“Bite me,” I say.
Blake frowns. “That’s kind of harsh. Did you think the show went poorly? Was that a smaller audience than usual?”
“You paid them all to be there.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Forty-nine of those people were there because you bribed them.”
“What a nutty thing to say.”
“What’s your plan this time, Blake? Why did you do it? What’s your endgame?”
“I’m not sure where you came up with this conspiracy theory, but all I did was offer a couple of suggestions that improved your performance. Maybe word got out that you were putting on a better show.”
“Audrey told me what happened.”
Blake adjusts himself on the cushion. “Did she now?”
“Yeah.”
“And you believe her?”
“Of course I believe her.”
“Over your own flesh and blood?”
“When that flesh and blood is you, yes, absolutely.”
“I bought two T-shirts from her before the show, and I gave them to a couple of people. That’s not a bribe. That’s advertising. Everybody in that club was there of their own free will.”
“I’m not saying you kidnapped or blackmailed them. I’m saying you bribed them.”
“With what?”
“Money!” I shouted.
“I may have lots of money, but I wouldn’t squander it on something like that. Not after what you did in biology class.”
“I didn’t do anything in—” Nope. Not gonna go there.
“If your girlfriend is making up some story about me paying people to go to your show, that’s between you and her. I gave out a couple of free T-shirts. That’s all.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“If you’d rather believe that I bribed the audience instead of them showing up willingly for a top-notch musical performance, that’s your own self-esteem issue. I choose to believe that Fanged Grapefruit is becoming a word-of-mouth sensation.”
“You’re not coming to the show next week.”
“Why? I stood politely in the back. You’re angry because you had five times the usual crowd? I’m sorry, Rod, but that’s wacky.”
When he puts it like that, it does sound wacky. But I believe Audrey over him, and I believe that Blake has sinister intent, even if I don’t know what it is yet.
“We’ll discuss it next week,” I tell him.
Blake shrugs. “That’s fair.”
• • •
“He was incredible!” Blake says to Mom as we sit at the dinner table. “It’s hard for me to even describe how much talent Rod and his friends have! I’ve seen some great shows in my life, but this was at a whole different level.”
“I’m sorry I missed it,” says Mom.
“You’ll have literally thousands of other chances,” says Blake. “This was no fluke. Fanged Grapefruit is here to stay.”
Mom smiles. “Maybe they’ll change the name before they
