“I don’t get it,” she said.
“It’s a grapefruit with fangs.”
“Is the grapefruit playing music?”
“No. It takes something that an average family would have for breakfast every morning and adds an element of danger. And it’s a surreal image. Dangerous and surreal. That’s us.”
“What about Fanged Kiwi?”
“No.”
“I still don’t get it then,” Mom said. “But I’m glad you are having fun.”
“Oh, they can’t change the name now,” says Blake. “They’ve got name recognition. It’s all about branding.”
“Glad to hear the show went well,” Mom tells me. “You certainly put in the hours practicing.”
“He’s a musical genius,” says Blake. “I’m not saying that he’ll be a millionaire by the time he’s twenty, but twenty-two or twenty-three guaranteed.”
“Good,” says Mom. “I’m looking forward to retiring and living a life of luxury.”
I’ll be honest. I have plenty of dreams where my band is so successful that Mom can quit both of her jobs and spend her days relaxing on a beach sipping sparkling beverages while her full-time chocolate distributor feeds her bonbons. I don’t like Blake inserting himself into these dreams.
Blake winks at me.
Grrrrrr.
• • •
When I go in my room again, it looks like Blake’s posters are another inch farther on my side. I’m sure it’s an optical illusion. Or a problem with my brain.
• • •
I can’t fall asleep on the air mattress, so I sleep out on the couch. I can still hear his snoring. Eighty-nine more days to go.
17.
I'm going to compress time here and cover the next week like a montage in a movie. The montage will be accompanied by my soon-to-be smash hit single “The Ballad of Blake.”
Got a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Yeah, a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Tuesday morning. Audrey walks up to my locker and says something. The background music drowns out her dialogue, but you can tell that she’s apologizing. I say something that you also can’t hear, but it looks like I’m reassuring her. The volume of the song fades for one line from me. “Blake said that you were lying to me.”
Audrey looks surprised. Then she looks angry. Though Audrey is petite, you don’t want to see her get angry.
I give her an expression that clearly indicates that we’re both in this together and that there’s no way Blake will be able to drive us apart.
Audrey sighs and shakes her head.
Oh, I can’t stand Blake.
Wanna throw him in a lake.
Abandon him during an earthquake.
Or deny him a slice of cake.
In English class Blake reads aloud from Falling Leaves of the Life Tree. Ms. Mayson nods approvingly at the sound of his melodic voice. The rest of the class follows along in the book, but I sit in my seat, scowling.
He keeps me awake.
And he’s such a snake.
His face I’d like to break.
Hope he gets a toothache.
In biology class Blake walks over to our lab station and jokingly covers his face as if he thinks I’m going to fling something at him. I’m not amused.
Wish I didn’t have a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
My life would be greatly improved without the existence of my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Wednesday morning. I drag myself off the couch, exhausted from my lack of sleep. Close-up of the dark rings under my eyes. How much longer can our hero take this?
He’s a great big ol’ fake.
Trust him? A mistake.
Think it’s time to make.
A pointy wooden stake.
I’m in the cafeteria. They’re serving tacos. Even Blake does not have the power to diminish my enjoyment of them.
Hope he steps on a rake.
And spills his milkshake.
And gets an overcooked steak.
He’s one I’d like to forsake.
Clarissa, Mel, and I are practicing in my garage. Clarissa and Mel seem less annoyed that Blake is watching us than I am. Close-up of Audrey, who seems to have the same level of annoyance that I do.
I’d spend every day walking around with a big grin on my face and whistling merry tunes if not for my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Yeah, I’d be insufferable about my love for the world around me and my appreciation for all of the beauty in nature, but it’s all messed up because of my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Thursday morning. When the alarm clock goes off, I’m so tired that I start to cry. (I didn’t actually cry in real life, but it sounds more dramatic this way.)
I don’t like you, Blake.
Really don’t like you, Blake.
You’re quite unlikable, Blake.
I’m just no fan of Blake.
Back in the cafeteria for lunch, Blake sits with several other kids. That’s cool. I don’t begrudge him making friends. The more people he has to hang out with, the less time he’ll spend around me.
There are still other words that rhyme with Blake.
Like bake and Jake and slake and flake.
And spake and partake and remake and opaque.
But I think I’m done rhyming with Blake.
Fanged Grapefruit is practicing once again. Blake says something. Mel and Clarissa nod their approval. I’m not nodding. You can tell in my eyes that I do not approve of whatever he said.
[Unbelievably awesome guitar solo.]
Friday morning. The alarm goes off. I roll off the couch and land on the floor, where I remain unconscious for several minutes. (It’s a long guitar solo.)
[Guitar solo continues.]
I walk through the school, bleary-eyed. The other students in the hallway fade away, which symbolizes how I feel all alone in the world. Bet you weren’t expecting symbolism, huh? Then the students all reappear, so you know this isn’t a book about a school full of kids who vanished into thin air.
Got a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Yeah, a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
The final bell rings, ending another week of class. Audrey and I walk out of school together. You can tell from the lighting and the camera angle that we’re perfect for each other.
Perfect for each other.
Ain’t nothin’ gonna mess that up.
Nope, nothin’ can mess that up.
Certainly not my cousin.
We’ll be together at least until the start of junior
