“I have to have you,” he said, the words rough, unpracticed, definitely not the way he usually propositioned a woman.
His words seemed to shock her. Like she had made contact with a naked wire. She went stiff in his arms, and then she pulled away, her eyes wide. “What are we doing?”
She was being utterly sincere, the words unsteady, her expression one of complete surprise and even...fear.
“I’m pretty sure we were about to make love,” he said, using a more gentle terminology than he normally would have because of that strange vulnerability lurking in her eyes.
She shook her head, wiggling out of his hold and moving away from the door, backing toward the crib. “We can’t do that. We can’t.” She pressed her hand against her cheek, and she looked so much like a stereotypical distressed female from some 1950s comic that he would have laughed if she hadn’t successfully made him feel like he would be the villain in that piece. “It would be... It would be wrong.”
“Why exactly?”
“Because. You’re paying me to be here. You’re paying me to play the part of your fiancée, and if things get physical between us, then I don’t understand exactly what separates me from a prostitute.”
“I’m not paying you for sex,” he said. “I’m paying you to pretend to be my fiancée. I want you. And that’s entirely separate from what we’re doing here.”
She shook her head, her eyes glistening. “Not to me. I already feel horrible. Like the worst person ever, after what I did to your family. After the way we tricked them tonight. After the way we will continue to trick them. I can’t add sex to this situation. I have to walk away from this, Joshua. I have to walk away and not feel like I lost myself. I can’t face the idea that I might finally sort out the money, where I’m going to live, how I’ll survive...and lose the only thing I’ve always had. Myself. I just can’t.”
He had never begged a woman in his life, but he realized right then that he was on the verge of begging her to agree that it would feel good enough for whatever consequences to be damned. But as he looked behind her at the crib—the crib with the woman’s baby in it, for heaven’s sake—he realized the argument wasn’t going to work with her.
She had been badly used, and though she had never really given him details, the evidence was obvious. She was alone. She had been abandoned at her most vulnerable. For her, the deepest consequences of sex were not hypothetical.
Though, they weren’t for him either. And he was a stickler for safe sex, so there was that. Still, he couldn’t blame her for not trusting him. And he should want nothing more than to find a woman who was less complicated. One who didn’t have all the baggage that Danielle carried.
Still, he wanted to beg.
But he didn’t.
“Sex isn’t that big of a deal for me,” he said. “If you’re not into it, that’s fine.”
She nodded, the gesture jerky. “Good. That’s probably another reason we shouldn’t.”
“I’m going to start interviewing nannies tomorrow,” he said, abruptly changing the subject, because if he didn’t, he would haul her back into his arms and finish what he had started.
“Okay,” she said, looking shell-shocked.
“You’ll have a little bit more freedom then. And we can go out riding.”
She blinked. “Why? I just turned you down. Why do you want to do anything for me?”
“I already told you. None of this is a trade for sex. You turning me down doesn’t change my intentions.”
She frowned. “I don’t understand.” She looked down, picking at her thumbnail. “Everything has a price. There’s no reason for you to do something for me when you’re not looking for something in return.”
“Not everything in life is a transaction, Danielle.”
“I suppose it’s not when you care about somebody.” She tilted her head to the side. “But nobody’s ever really cared about me.”
If he hadn’t already felt like an ass, then her words would have done it. Because his family did care about him. His life had been filled with people doing things for him just because they wanted to give him something. They’d had no expectation of receiving anything in return.
But after Shannon, something had changed inside of him. He wanted to hold everybody at arm’s length. Explaining himself felt impossible.
He hadn’t wanted to give to anyone, connect with anyone, in a long time. But for some reason, he wanted to connect with Danielle. Wanted to give to that fragile, sweet girl.
It wasn’t altruistic. Not really. She had so little that it was easy to step in and do something life altering. She didn’t understand the smallest gesture of kindness, which meant the smallest gesture was enough.
“Tomorrow the interview process starts. I assume you want input?”
“Do I want input over who is going to be watching my baby? Yeah. That would be good.”
She reached up, absently touching her lips, then lowered her hand quickly, wiggling her fingers slightly. “Good night,” she said, the words coming out in a rush.
“Good night,” he said, his voice hard. He turned, closing the door resolutely behind him, because if he didn’t, he couldn’t be responsible for what he might do.
He was going to leave her alone. He was going to do something nice for her. As if that would do something for his tarnished soul.
Well, maybe it wouldn’t. But maybe it would do something for her. And for some reason, that mattered.
Maybe that meant he wasn’t too far gone after all.
* * *
Danielle had never interviewed anyone who was going to work for her. She had interviewed for several jobs herself, but she had never been on the reverse side. It was strange and infused her with an inordinate sense of power.
Which was nice, considering she rarely felt powerful.
Certainly not the other night when Joshua had kissed her. Then she had felt weak as a kitten. Ready to lie down
