Except she hadn’t. She had said no. She was proud of herself for that, even while she mourned the loss of whatever pleasure she might have found with him.
It wasn’t about pleasure. It was about pride.
Pride and self-preservation. What she had said to him had been true. If she walked away from this situation completely broken, unable to extricate herself from him, from his life, because she had allowed herself to get tangled up in ways she hadn’t anticipated, then she would never forgive herself. If she had finally made her life easier in all the ways she’d always dreamed of, only to snare herself in a trap she knew would end in pain...
She would judge herself harshly for that.
Whatever she wanted to tell herself about Joshua—he was a tool, he didn’t deserve the wonderful family he had—she was starting to feel things for him. Things she really couldn’t afford to feel.
That story about his girlfriend had hit her hard and deep. Hit her in a place she normally kept well protected.
Dammit.
She took a deep breath and looked over at the new nanny, Janine, who had just started today, and who was going to watch Riley while Joshua and Danielle went for a ride.
She was nervous. Unsteady about leaving Riley for the first time in a while. Necessity had meant she’d had to leave him when she was working at the grocery store. Still, this felt different. Because it wasn’t necessary. It made her feel guilty. Because she was leaving him to do something for herself.
She shook her head. Her reaction was ridiculous. But she supposed it was preferable to how her mother had operated. Which was to never think about her children at all. Her neglect of Danielle hadn’t come close to her disinterest in her youngest child. Danielle supposed that by the time Riley was born, her mother had been fully burned-out. Had exhausted whatever maternal instinct she’d possessed.
Danielle shook her head. Then took a deep breath and turned to face Janine. “He should nap most of the time we’re gone. And even if he wakes up, he’s usually really happy.”
Janine smiled. “He’s just a baby. I’ve watched a lot of babies. Not that he isn’t special,” she said, as though she were trying to cover up some faux pas. “I just mean, I’m confident that I can handle him.”
Danielle took a deep breath and nodded. Then Joshua came into the room and the breath she had just drawn into her lungs rushed out.
He was wearing a dark blue button-down shirt and jeans, paired with a white cowboy hat that made him look like the hero in an old Western movie.
Do not get that stupid. He might be a hero, but he’s not your hero.
No. Girls like her didn’t get heroes. They had to be their own heroes. And that was fine. Honestly, it was.
If only she could tell her heart that. Her stupid heart, which was beating out of control.
It was far too easy to remember what it had been like to kiss him. To remember what it had felt like when his stubble-covered cheek scraped against hers. How sexy it had felt. How intoxicating it had been to touch a man like that. To experience the differences between men and women for the first time.
It was dangerous, was what it was. She had opened a door she had never intended to open, and now it was hard to close.
She shook her hands out, then balled them into fists, trying to banish the jitters that were racing through her veins.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
His eyes met hers and all she could think was how incredible it was that his eyes matched his shirt. They were a deep, perfect shade of navy.
There was something wrong with her. She had never been this stupid around a man before.
“Yes,” she said, the answer coming out more as a squeak than an actual word. “I’m ready.”
The corner of his mouth lifted into a lopsided grin. “You don’t have to be nervous. I’ll be gentle with you.”
She nearly choked. “Good to know. But I’m more worried about the horse being gentle with me.”
“She will be. Promise. I’ve never taught a girl how to ride before, but I’m pretty confident I can teach you.”
His words ricocheted around inside of her, reaching the level of double entendre. Which wasn’t fair. That wasn’t how he’d meant it.
Or maybe it was.
He hadn’t been shy about letting her know exactly what he wanted from her that night. He had put his hand between her legs. Touched her where no other man ever had. He’d made her see stars, tracked sparks over her skin.
It was understandable for her to be affected by the experience. But like he’d said, sex didn’t really matter to him. It wasn’t a big deal. So why he would be thinking of it now was beyond her. He had probably forgotten already. Probably that kiss had become an indistinct blur in his mind, mixed with all his other sexual encounters.
There were no other encounters for her. So there he was in her mind, and in front of her, far too sharp and far too clear.
“I’m ready,” she said, the words rushed. “Totally ready.”
“Great,” he said. “Let’s go.”
* * *
Taking Danielle out riding was submitting himself to a particular kind of torture, that was for sure. But he was kind of into punishing himself...so he figured it fit his MO.
He hadn’t stopped thinking about her since they had kissed—and more—in her bedroom the other night. He had done his best to throw himself into work, to avoid her, but still, he kept waking up with sweat slicked over his skin, his cock hard and dreams of...her lips, her tongue, her scent...lingering in his thoughts.
Normally, the outdoors cleared his mind. Riding his horse along the length of the property was his therapy. Maneuvering her over the rolling hills, along the ridge line of the mountain, the evergreen trees rising behind them
