But, then again, I was also worried about him, you know? I was worried about what would happen to him now that they’d kicked him straight the fuck out on his ass. I mean, people die from this shit all the time. Last year alone I lost two people—one to an OD and the other to a motorcycle accident. It never gets any easier. And there’s no telling which one of our dumb asses is gonna be next. Hell, Matt could get himself dead, and I’d probably never even know. It’s not like I have his goddamn phone number or anything.
But this thing with Sue Ellen, well, it’s totally different. We’re not fucking any pain away. We care about each other. I mean, we’ve fallen in love. And that hasn’t gotten in the way of the work we’re doing here—not at all. If anything, we’re just pushing each other to go deeper with all this shit. It’s cool, you know, ’cause we get to really support each other—lift each other up when we’re feeling weak, or scared, or just overwhelmed with hopelessness. She validates me and, well, I validate her, too. I make her feel beautiful, valuable, worthy of love. Honestly, there’s no way she would’ve been able to open up as much as she has without me there telling her over and over that I want her and need her. That’s not me bragging or anything; it’s just the truth. She relies on me and I rely on her. We write each other letters. We look out for each other. There’s not one goddamn person who could find fault with that.
And no one does.
I mean, I’m pretty sure they all just think we’re sort of, uh, cute, or whatever.
And now that I’ve announced we’re off our contract, everyone seems genuinely excited—acting all supportive and everything. We stand around laughing and talking like that till it’s time to go to group. I can’t help but notice that the ravens have gathered in the branches all around us—waiting impatiently to pick through whatever trash we’ve left behind.
Ch.10
Sue Ellen agrees to meet me in the woods near the boundary of the property—mostly ’cause I just want to talk to her in private, that’s all.
The sun is setting quickly against the distant, silhouetted mountains—a child’s faded chalk drawing in orange and red and pink and purple.
We find a somewhat hidden shelter between the thorns and the parched, tangled branches—about three hundred yards behind our section of cabins and fifteen feet up from the encircling barbed-wire fence. That always seemed like a nice touch, you know, the barbed wire. Just in case we ever thought about escape.
Sue Ellen looks up at me—eyes searching, lips parted. She puts her small hands in my jacket pockets, pressing up against me.
I kiss her and she kisses me.
We kiss desperately—like we really need it—like we’ve been wandering lost for days in the woods—starving—weak and dying from dehydration.
I suck on her tongue, and then she pulls away.
“I’m sorry,” she says, whispering so we won’t get caught. “It’s just… I don’t know. I’m really scared, Nic. We’re so close to leaving, and I can’t help feeling like we’re never gonna see each other again.”
My gloved hands take hold of both her shoulders.
I crouch down so I’m right at eye level.
“Listen: I am not going to leave you, okay? I’m going to do whatever it takes to be with you. I mean, I love you. I’m in love with you. That’s the only thing that matters. Besides, we’re going to move to San Francisco together. We’ll build a life, you know? You and me.”
Her face goes flushed. There are tears forming. “But I don’t know if I can do that to my mom. She doesn’t understand. She won’t listen to me. She won’t even listen to my counselor. We had a conference call, and I tried to tell her how codependent she is on me and how I need to go away on my own, but she just started sobbing and asking me what she’d done wrong and everything. She wants me to come home.”
My jaw clenches, and then there’s that dropping-out feeling in my stomach again. “You can’t go home,” I tell her. “That’d be like death for you. The only way you’re gonna move past everything that’s happened is to get away from all those old places and people. Your mom’ll understand that. I mean, tell her it has nothing to do with her. Tell her it’s just about you making a fresh start. Tell her she can come visit whenever she wants, but you need to have some space from everything that’s happened. Besides, you’re gonna have a really awesome support system out in San Francisco. Tell her a whole bunch of us are moving out there. I’m sure it’ll be okay. If she wants what’s best for you, then she’ll let you go.”
Sue Ellen presses her body up against mine, and I kiss her forehead.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I say. “I just love you so much. And I swear I won’t let anything happen to you. Tell your mom she can talk to me if she wants. I’m sure I can convince her everything’ll be all right. I mean, better than that.”
She laughs a little.
“Yeah, right. I can just imagine it: ‘Hey, Mom, this is my drug addict friend. He wants you to let me go live with him in a random city on the other side of the whole country. But he promises everything’ll be okay, so it’s all good.’ Ha. I’m sure she’d love that.”
“Well,” I say, laughing along with her, “you could downplay the whole drug addict thing. Come on.”
I stretch my body out on the sharp, rocky ground—pulling at Sue Ellen’s sweater—trying to get her to lie alongside me.
She drops to her knees but won’t go any further.
“The
