My jaw click-clicks back and forth.
I stare straight up at the sky being drained of its last bits of color.
When I speak, my voice cracks, and I have to clear my throat before answering her. “Sorry, yeah, no, I understand. I’m not trustworthy. I’ve proved that enough times. Everyone who’s tried to help me has ended up getting burned. In fact, about the only thing I’ve ever been trustworthy of is being fucking untrustworthy. And I’m not saying that to be all ‘poor me,’ or whatever. I’ve been a shit bastard my whole life. There’s no excuse, you know?”
Sue Ellen’s lying next to me on the dirt and rock.
I turn toward her.
Our eyes struggle to maintain direct contact. Her pupils are all dilated against the coming darkness.
I go on talking, mostly just ’cause of all the silence around us. “The only thing I can tell you, girl, is that, honestly, things really are different this time. I mean, I know that’s like the biggest cliché in the world, right? But what can I say? It’s the truth. I’ve finally learned to start loving myself here. And I can see now that loving myself is loving you. ’Cause you’re a part of me. You always will be. I think I was born to love you. I think we were created to meet here and love each other and hold each other as we go out into this fucked-up world together. And I’m not saying I believe in fate or God or whatever, ’cause I’m not sure I do. But if there is a God—some sort of spiritual force guiding us, like they tell us here—then it’s pretty obvious to me that us finding each other is all a part of some greater plan. I mean, it’s a gift—a fucking miracle. I’m not gonna turn away from that. I will not shrink back.”
A shiver crawls its way through me, and I squeeze her hand maybe a little too tight, ’cause she pulls back suddenly.
“You can be sure of me,” I tell her, not letting go. “And there’s not one person in this whole place who can deny what we have. I mean, hell, it’s what they try to teach us every day—to let go—to trust in spiritual guidance and intuition—to give ourselves over completely—to listen to that ‘still, small voice inside,’ as they say. Well, that voice in me has made me love you, and I’m pretty sure that voice in you has done the same, so there’s nothing we can do but follow that. ’Cause as long as we do, we will be taken care of—we will—and everything’ll be all right.”
“Sure,” she says, eyes going bloodshot, glossy—tears forming at each corner but refusing to fall. “But what’ll we do? How are we going to live?”
Her lips part as I lean forward, and we hold each other, kissing softly, pausing. I whisper, “Don’t worry, okay? Your mom will help us get started, but then we can both get jobs. And as soon as I can finish the second part of my book, I’ll be able to pay her back. Seriously. You can tell her that’s a promise. And otherwise, I mean, we’ll explore the city, go to shows and movies and galleries—get involved with twelve-step stuff out there—you know, live—together—in love.”
As we kiss again I can feel her tears hot against my face.
“But you don’t even believe in twelve-step stuff,” she says, half choking on her words.
We both laugh at that.
“Well, I believe in the community of it—even if I don’t really dig on the program. I mean, that’s what’s so awesome: We can go practically anywhere in the whole country and get totally hooked up with cool people who are working on the same shit we are—or at least’ve been forced to be a little more introspective than a lot of folks out there. Anyway, trust me, Sue Ellen, you are gonna absolutely love it there. It’s the most beautiful city, and there’s just this feeling, like, I don’t know… like you can finally breathe there or something. You’ll see. It’ll be amazing—living there together, you and me.”
I kiss her again—rolling onto my back—her straddling me, letting her weight rest against my body.
We kiss and kiss and touch and whisper that we love each other.
The night closes in—gray turning black.
I know they’re probably serving dinner up at the lodge, but we decide to stay just a little while longer. Kissing till my body is consumed with fever—a vague oblivion in my bloodstream, like getting high, maybe, but not at all the same or even comparable. But something, you know, at least more than nothing.
“We should go,” Sue Ellen whispers in my ear.
My head nods in agreement as she pushes herself up to standing.
The harsh beam of a flashlight hits my eyes right then, but, I mean, who knows how goddamn long she’s been standing there. Her voice calls out to me specifically, saying my name with that thick accent. Marion—the goddamn troll.
“Neek, oh boy, vahss is going on here?”
The light gets out of my eyes, and I can see her bulbous head shake back and forth, back and forth.
I try slowing down my breath, even though my heart is beating so hard I feel like I might be sick. “It’s exactly what it looks like,” I say, hoping to God my voice isn’t wavering like I’m scared, which, of course, I am.
Marion’s head keeps shaking as she makes a “tsk-tsk-tsk” sound, literally. “Vell den, I am truly sorry to be de vone. I valk de perimeter each night at dis time.”
I force myself to laugh. “Yeah, uh, obviously I didn’t know that. Are we totally fucked, then?”
She nods slowly. “Ah, Neeky, you are so stupid. I mean, vhy do you do dis? Vhy?”
I
