Chapter Ten
‘Well go on then,’ I said, arms folded. It was the morning after I’d been to see Megan. I’d driven around until the early hours and slipped back into the still house. James had been sleeping on the sofa with the TV still switched on so I’d crept past him and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in the guest room until the sun came up, blinding me through the window. Then I’d braved a trip to the kitchen, where James was stood making presumptuous coffee for two. It was a Monday morning and he wasn’t at work – I was privileged.
He shook his head. ‘Charlotte, there’s so much to say.’ Darn right there was. ‘Sit down, please.’ He gestured to the dining table. I obliged. ‘Samantha and I have been working together.’ Hearing her name sent a sharp pain through my chest, but I didn’t show it. ‘Obviously, because we know one another it’s made things easier . . .’ I furrowed my brow, unsure of how this was supposed to make me feel any better. For the first time ever, he seemed to pick up on it. ‘Anyway, the case has been quite involved and heavy. We were both under a lot of pressure and, well . . . we understand, understood, each other. We could share our burden.’
‘I think you shared more than your burden James,’ I said bitterly as acid rose up my oesophagus. ‘Unless lugging around your giant overfilled balls of sperm really is a struggle.’
‘You know what I mean.’ He sighed, which was restrained for him as he hated it when I used crude language. ‘She understood what I was going through and I her. I couldn’t burden you with my work woes.’ What a good Samaritan. ‘And she couldn’t talk to Sam about it. You both have . . .’ he paused again and drew a breath ‘. . . simpler lives.’ Simpler lives?
I was about to protest as my life felt far from simple but I supposed in the eyes of others, it could be perceived that way. ‘But it wasn’t just talking, James, was it? Unless you run a nudist’s law firm!’
He dropped his head. ‘No, it escalated.’
‘Escalated?’ I shook my head. ‘Do you love her?’ The question popped out before I’d even decided on whether or not I wanted an answer.
His eyes widened. ‘No, the relationship has been purely physical.’
Relationship? My chest felt heavy and I drew a breath to try and lighten it. ‘So, where does this leave us? Are you leaving me for her?’
‘What? No!’ He looked shocked. ‘I want your forgiveness, Charlotte; I want to make this right between us.’ I wasn’t sure what was happening or what I was supposed to do. Should I leave him?
‘I’m going to need some time to process this, James.’
‘Of course, take all the time you need.’ His forehead relaxed a little. ‘Charlotte, I am sorry – I never meant for this to happen and I do love you.’
I stood for a moment, staring at him, just anesthetised by the whole situation. Numb to pain, love, and heartache as though I was a spectator looking on. How was he mine when he’d touched someone else in ways that should have been reserved for me? He felt tainted. We were trying for a baby. I’d dressed up. Thoughts whirled around my head and thinking about it brought on that same churning sadness I’d felt when I caught them. My cheeks started to burn with the humiliation of being rejected because he’d already had his fill elsewhere. A fire in my chest scorched the numbness until it filled my entire body, causing my fingers to tremble.
‘I’ll call the locksmith.’ I said curtly. Grabbing my handbag, I forced myself to go back upstairs before I erupted without thinking things through and once again locked myself away before I could react. I’d wanted to lash out and throw something but that wasn’t who I was.
As I lay on the guest bed taking deep, soothing breaths, my mind drifts to the white envelope in my bag. I rummage inside, pulling it out. It was the surprise I’d taken to James’s office when life was normal, happy, simpler. Simpler. The word hung around in my head. It had never felt simpler – constantly trying to keep up with the likes of Lauren and plan successful events or win the approval of Frances. It wasn’t simple to keep the house perfect and make sure James’s needs were met and it wasn’t simple to help out people in need. I could have had a simpler life if I’d wanted but I didn’t. I slid my nail along the seal and pulled the document out to read the header.
7 Nights All Inclusive in the 5* Lagoona Resort, Maldives
I ran the page through my fingers, trying to imagine a week on a desert island with James. What had been my dream the day before, had quickly become my nightmare. There was time for reconciliation before the trip but, at that moment, even telling James about it was unimaginable. He’d feel hope for our marriage that I just couldn’t give. I stuffed it back in the envelope and put that back in my bag.
***
‘I go away for three nights and all hell breaks loose – why didn’t you tell me?’ Kate was as sympathetic as ever when I filled her in the following Monday over breakfast. She’d popped round after James had left for work and knew something was wrong immediately by the fact my ‘hair looked like shit’.
‘We didn’t want to spoil your trip, and besides, we were all too shocked, hurt, or whatever.’
‘You should have told me when I got back.’
‘I know, but I’ve been in a cloud of smog all week
