‘Well thank you, but I can be happy for myself and sad for you at the same time. I knew it wasn’t the underwear,’ she added. Oddly, her lack of overbearing sympathy was somewhat comforting.
‘Right as always,’ I said.
‘I can’t believe it. Megan, then you and Sam . . . I hope infidelity isn’t catching or Carl will be an unwilling volunteer in my new castration scheme.’ She sipped her tea.
‘I know. They say things come in threes,’ I said, glad Kate didn’t stand for maudlin.
‘So, what now? Are you going to leave him? Is he leaving you?’
‘He said he’s sorry and he still loves me and doesn’t want to leave me.’ I shrugged. ‘I’ve told him I need time to think; but to be honest, I don’t know how to react. I didn’t see this coming.’ There was a part of me that didn’t quite believe it.
We’d spent the week sleeping apart, exchanging polite but necessary conversation but not really working on the problem. How do you work on a problem like that? I didn’t want to leave James, but I couldn’t be close to him either; I still felt as though it was happening to someone else.
‘Well, what was your initial reaction? Did you hit either of them? Or both of them? Did you burst into tears? Stamp on his Breitling?’
‘I sat in the car and had a controlled panic attack in front of a stranger and came home to make dinner.’
‘That is the most Stepford-Wife-style reaction to infidelity imaginable. You weren’t filled with rage and fury then?’
‘Of course I was, but I was shocked, then I panicked about what people would think, and then I felt humiliated because I’d tried to seduce a fully satiated man.’ I paused because of a pain in my chest. ‘He turned me down in my sexy underwear because he’d already slept with her. I was rejected by a man who supposedly wanted to have a baby with me, Kate. What lower ebb could I sink to?’
‘Exactly – so you should have punched him in the face or stamped on his Breitling. Though you do have delicate hands, so I’d have gone for the latter,’ she said, missing the point completely.
‘I don’t want revenge. I just want to feel normal again. Anyway, when did you become so violent?’
She sighed. ‘I suppose I’m angry with James too and I’m fiery – it’s my Italian blood.’
I smiled; it was about as close to compassion as Kate got. ‘Perhaps I’m partly to blame. I was so preoccupied with the charity, catching Mike and so on, that I’ve neglected James a little.’
‘Don’t even think about blaming yourself. He was “working late” way before you started interfering in Megan’s life.’
I shrugged. She was probably right. ‘I just don’t know where this leaves us. When Mike cheated on Megan I just assumed she’d throw him out like she did. I didn’t see an alternative. But this feels different. Splitting up just seems so . . . messy. Especially if there’s a chance we could work through it.’
‘Personally, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep with a man who’d cheated on me.’
I thought about what she was saying. Could I sleep with James again without thinking about Samantha? Maybe in time I could. But it would take time. ‘The alternative is to destroy everything we’ve built up and forever walk around with people throwing sympathetic glances my way. What would happen to our house, our social circles, our plans?’
Kate shook her head. ‘I don’t know, but it sounds like you have some thinking to do.’
As Kate prepared to leave she hugged me. Kate wasn’t a hugger and at first, holding her bony frame felt odd and uncomfortable until I warmed into it. I sensed she felt the same. ‘Thanks,’ I said knowingly, breaking away.
‘We’ll get through it,’ she said and winked before leaving.
I sat and thought about it. I took in my beautiful home, the sofa we’d chosen together, the elegant vase we’d picked up in Venice, and the photo on the mantelpiece taken on our wedding day. The big, beaming smiles plastered on our faces stemmed from a deep, genuine happiness. We’d made a commitment to each other in front of one hundred and forty guests. We could work through it.
After spending the day setting up a charity auction for some designer handbags I didn’t need, cleaning frantically, and preparing hearty spaghetti bolognaise, I sat nervously at the dining table, awaiting James’s return. He walked in just after six and came straight into the kitchen, tentatively approaching the chair opposite before sitting down.
‘Hi,’ he said eventually.
‘I’m willing to try and make this work,’ I blurted out before he had the chance to say anything more.
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh. Okay.’
‘Oh?’ It wasn’t the reaction I’d hoped for.
‘I’m just shocked.’ His face broke into a smile. ‘I’m happy – I didn’t expect you to be able to forgive me, that’s all.’ He reached across the table and took my own clutched hands in his. I stared at it like it wasn’t my own because his touch didn’t invoke any feeling. Kate was right; I did have small hands.
‘It’s not going to be smooth,’ I warned him. ‘In fact, it’s going to challenge us both, and you’re going to have a lot of making up to do.’
‘Anything. Charlotte, I made a mistake. I love you and the thought of losing you is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever faced.’
I studied his face. The slight furrow in his brow, the watery glaze across his eyes, and the twist to his mouth suggested he was genuine. I wanted to throw myself into a hug and for everything to be normal, but a hook in my brain tethered me to the chair. Hugging James wouldn’t be the same for a while.
Chapter Eleven
The following Friday, Sam sat staring into his cup of tea. He’d been staying at
