He pulled them off in one swift motion. I managed to break one of my arms free andgrabbed a death hold on my panties. All I could think about was holding on. I needed tohold on to my sanctity, to my spirit, to my womanhood. My attempts were fruitless, and Icowered with defeat as I felt my panties being ripped off. I tried to keep my eyes shut, butthey popped open against my will. I caught small glimpse of him on top of me. His eyeswere burning with desire, his breath was husky and rampant, and his hair wildlydisheveled. He reached down to unzip himself.
I held my breath, and my body seemed to go numb as I felt my insides puncture fromthe rod of human flesh.
I could smell the churning of sweat, the stench of lust. Mentally, I was stillstruggling to hold on, but my sanctity was perishing. And soon, it crumbled like aproliferated damn. The shadows rode the waves, and flooded my body, contaminating mysoul, suffocating my spirit under a blanket of darkness. I turned my head from side to sideas I grimaced from the repugnance of skin rubbing against skin. Suddenly, it was over,and I slowly sat up. All the blood in my body rushed to my face. My stomach was inknots and I leaned over and vomited on the floor.
He began to clap his hands with explosive mirth. I suppose that watching me naked,bleeding, and rolling around in my own puke was amusing. I tried to stand up, but mylegs were too weak and I fell right back to the ground. I crawled around befuddled andturned and looked up. Oh my God Maria!
I reached out my hand for help. She just backed away muttering.
“He’s back home now. Nico’s back and everything is going to be alright.”
I looked into her eyes and saw them moisten from regret.
“He told me that this was the only way he would come back.”
I collapsed on the floor and closed my eyes. All I could see was darkness. And that’swhen the voices started. “Luisa, we are here.”
“We are going to make you do evil and wicked things, Luisa.” “No, No, this can’t behappening.”
“Luisa, don’t try and fight it. You don’t got what it takes to beat us.”
Maria walked over and grabbed one of my arms to try and help me up. I snatched myarm away. I knew that she had set me up. The man who had just raped me was herhusband Nico, and she let him do it. She betrayed me. My own mother betrayed me. Shewas my flesh and blood, the only relative that I had left. I could not believe that she coulddo something like this to me. I could hear Nico laughing as he called out to me.
“Luisa, it’s just how these things work. You either fuck or get fucked,” he yelledlaughing like a mad man.
I made my way out the door.
“Wait. Hold up. You can’t go anywhere. You work for me now,” he snapped.
But I couldn’t stay there another second. I rushed out the door, running from him andthe shadows. I had no idea what happened next. I just remember running; I was alwaysrunning. I spent my whole life blaming other people for my problems, but the truth of thematter was that Sister Abigail was right. I should have never believed in a false God, andI should have never lost trust in the Lord. It is now that I realized that I didn’t trust thembecause I didn’t know them.
You see Changó and Yemayá are the mother and father of the soul. They are thebasis for our existence, and if we don’t know them, then we simply can’t survive.Yemayá is mother earth; she is the land that we walk on and the gravity that gives usstability and holds us firmly together. She provides us with everything: food, warmth,shelter, and most of all, love. She gives unconsciously, and loves selflessly. I failed tomake the motherly connection to Yemayá. Instead, I looked toward a false God. I thoughtthat Maria could help me, but I couldn’t get help from anyone who was just as torn as Iwas. You have to understand that God exists within yourself. Everything starts and endsfrom within you. You need to work with life forces and the Orishas to understand yourpurpose and gain the power to create the life that you deserve.
Don’t be sad or angry. Learn from me, because the ancestors are lessons from thepast. We are here to provide you with guidance and to ensure that you don’t make thesame mistakes we made. Nelly, take the time to know who you are. I lived my life withso much pain and regret, never embracing Changó. He was the one who could burn awayimpurities. I needed him to spit out fireballs to burn away all the things that were falseabout me. I needed him to reveal essential truths that I needed to learn. I didn’t know whoI was. I spent my whole adult life running from the shadows, instead of facing them. Notrealizing that I needed to use the pain to grow and make myself stronger. Instead, theshadows ate away at my very core; they started to spread like a cancer, infecting not onlymy life, but my children’s as well.
Nelly, you have to understand your roots. You need to have a strong connection withfamily, Yemaya and Changó so they can provide you with the foundation that you needto grow. Look to Changó, he will tell you your purpose, and with that you will have thestrength that you need to go on without me. Please understand that we all have a purposein life
