Only just avoiding rolling her eyes, Ash shook her head. “Not at all.”
“Well, what then? You’re the one who’s given her all these ideas, after all.”
Ash held up her hands in a placating gesture. “Courtney, I haven’t done anything like that, and you know it.”
Courtney huffed and reached for her mug, her eyes averted, and everything in her body language told Ash she wasn’t angry so much as confused.
“Look,” Ash said softly. “I know this has probably surprised you, but—”
“Surprised?” Courtney glared at her. “Try really pissed me off.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why has it pissed you off?”
Courtney opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. After some moments, she tried again. “How can she know already? I…I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t.” Ash kept her tone gentle. “But here’s the thing. You don’t have to.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Courtney’s eyes blazed.
“It means you just need to support her.”
“Support her? How? I don’t want her to be…that way .”
It hurt, despite how at ease Ash was with her own sexuality and had been for years. She grabbed for her tea and swallowed a couple of mouthfuls. The pause helped to tamp down her anger. She knew it wouldn’t help Sophie if she let it out, and she made sure she breathed deeply a couple of times before responding. “What you want isn’t the issue here, Courtney. She’s struggling with some pretty big things, and all she wants is some time and space to think about them.” When Courtney made to interrupt, Ash held up a hand. “Listen, that’s all she’s doing at the moment, just thinking. You shouting at her isn’t going to help, and if you’re not careful, might just make it all worse. If she’s gay”—Courtney glared at her again—“then that’s what she is. Nothing you or I say will change that. Trust me, it doesn’t work that way.”
Ash leaned forward and made sure Courtney met her gaze. Okay, so maybe she was trying to teach Courtney how to raise her daughter. Tough. “The best thing you can do for her is just let her think it through, work out her true feelings. For all we know, it will pass. It might just be some crush on one girl, and in a year, two years, she’s mad for some boy. We just don’t know. And nor does she. So don’t put any pressure on her to be one thing or another.”
“But that’s what you’re doing!” Courtney hissed. “She said it in her diary! Said you were telling her it was okay if she was, you know, gay, like you, and to just accept it if she is. She’s fourteen, Ash! She’s too young.”
Ash wasn’t going to touch the whole “why did you even read her diary” conversation today—that would only end up with an even bigger shouting match. But when this storm had calmed, she’d be having that chat with Courtney about respecting her daughter’s privacy.
“I was twelve when I knew, Courtney.”
Courtney stared at her, and Ash returned the look with as much sympathy in her expression as she could manage. It wasn’t her sister’s fault she didn’t understand.
“You have no idea how confusing it is at that age to know you are different but not know why. And when you know you can’t talk to anyone about it, it’s even worse.” She could feel all her teenage anger reappearing and fought to keep her voice low and calm. “All I’m asking is that you don’t do what Mum and Dad did to me. Don’t try to make her something she’s not, okay? Let her work this out. Please.”
“I…I don’t want her being unhappy.” Courtney fiddled with the handle of her mug. “You’re not exactly the best advert for it, are you, after what happened with Leesa and all them other women. And you don’t have a girlfriend now, do you?”
Wow, that blow hit hard. Ash couldn’t breathe for a moment, and her fists clenched and unclenched several times before she could speak.
“Yes, I’ve had a few relationships that have unfortunately all ended. Although some in better ways than others. That happens to straight people all the time too. And for what it’s worth, I am actually a happy person. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. I’ve got a good life, and more importantly, I’m able to live that life as me, the real me.” She stood, tired of the emotions raging through her body, of keeping her anger in check while she fought Sophie’s battle.
From the scrunched look on Courtney’s face, she’d maybe given her something to think about, at least. This was a first step, but maybe, just maybe, it would have some positive impact.
“Thanks for the tea. You know where I am if you want to talk about it. Any time, Courtney, I mean that. I love Sophie like she was my own, but I want to be there for both of you. You’re my only sister. She’s my only niece. You’re both so important to me. Okay?”
Courtney pursed her lips but eventually nodded.
On legs that were strangely unsteady, Ash left the kitchen. At the last minute, before opening the front door, she remembered the window she had opened. As she stepped back towards the living room, Courtney’s voice came from close behind.
“Don’t worry, I’ll shut it later.”
Ash turned.
Courtney slouched against the wall of the hallway, turning a pack of cigarettes over and over in her hand. “I… Get home safe.” She stared at Ash a moment longer, then turned away and walked back towards the kitchen.
Chapter 9
After her fifth client meeting of the day, Carmen headed home on the first Thursday evening in July with weary steps. She’d no sooner opened the front door when her phone rang, of course. A glance at the caller display brought her some relief.
“Hey, Tristan.”
“Hello. How are you?”
“Knackered.” She placed
