For the first time in a long time, I put myself in his shoes, and guilt filled me that he’d been sleeping by himself for a long time. When I first started laying with Noah, my only goal was to calm him down and get him to sleep faster. But I suppose now, I did it partly to avoid Brayden. I should get up and go to my own bed.
Noah turned over, snuggling deeper next to me. I bit back more tears as I knew I wouldn’t be returning to my bed tonight. At least not right now.
The next morning, I was able to get out of Noah’s bed without waking him. I headed to the kitchen where Brayden was drinking coffee as he looked out the window in the backyard.
He turned as I came in. “Tell me the truth. Do you stay with Noah for him or to avoid me?”
I swallowed the guilt that threatened again. “Noah. Mostly.”
His eyes closed as he turned away from me, and I hated that I was hurting him.
“Do you really want out of the marriage,” he asked.
“No. I just…you’re so disconnected from us…me.”
He brought his attention back to me. “You don’t have room for me anymore. You’ve put the kids first, which I suppose is more important, but I’ve been completely cut out.”
“You’re never here,” I said, trying to keep calm even though I could feel the resentment rise. He cut himself out by working nonstop. “You put work over us.”
“I work for you. For all of you.”
“Not just for us, Brayden. You work because you want to. Don’t put that on us.”
He sighed and turned away. “We go around and around on this. Each time, the end result is the same.”
At least we could agree on that.
“When did we lose it?” He said it so low that I wasn’t sure that he was really asking me or just talking to himself.
I answered anyway. “I think it was a slow process that got away from us before we knew it.”
He gave a short nod. “And it’s too far gone to save.”
“Is it?” For some reason, his words made my heart clench, like I was on the verge of losing him, which was ridiculous since that thought had been there for some time.
“You’re the one talking to a lawyer.” He moved passed me to the sink, rinsing his cup, and putting it in the dishwasher.
“I was feeling—” I wasn’t sure what to say. If it weren’t for my cancer diagnosis would I still be pursuing divorce?
He stopped near me as he headed out of the kitchen. “Let me know when you make up your mind.”
Irritation gripped me. “About?”
“About whether you want me still or not.” He started out.
“What about you? Do you still want me?”
He stopped, but didn’t turn to look at me. “I’ve never stopped.” Then he continued on presumably going to our room to get dressed.
“I never stopped either,” I said softly as I wiped a tear. How could it happen that we still loved each other but couldn’t get our shit together? Was it just that we wanted what we had before and that was gone? We weren’t the same people as when we married, so of course, things wouldn’t be the same.
I didn’t have a lot of time to think on it as Lanie skipped into the kitchen. “Daddy says I can get a shrimp.”
“Did he?”
“I wonder when we can get it?”
“You’ll have to ask him. What do you want for breakfast? How about peanut butter toast.” I worked to get my emotions under control so she wouldn’t see how torn up I was.
“’kay.”
I made toast and when Noah was up, he got a chocolate smoothie. Brayden returned to the kitchen, dressed in his suit, ready to seize the day. I studied him, and found I couldn’t blame his secretary for banging him if that’s what was going on. He was still handsome. Life hadn’t run him haggard like it had me.
“I’ve gotta run,” he said, giving Noah a kiss on the head.
“When can we get shrimp?” Lanie asked as he kissed her too.
His gaze glanced at me, probably wondering about my opinion. Why he cared now after telling the kids he’d get them shrimp, I didn’t know. “We’ll check it out this weekend, okay?”
“Okay. Bye daddy,” Lanie gave him a kiss, leaving a bit of peanut butter on his cheek.
“Brayden?”
He stopped and I went to him, using my finger to wipe off the sticky nut butter on his cheek. He flinched at my touch, and looked at me in surprise. His cheek was warm and soft from his shave. I looked into his eyes, as emotion filled me at how much we had lost.
His gaze drifted down to my lips, and I wondered if he wanted to kiss me. I wished he would. It had been so long.
“Mommy, Noah is blowing bubbles in his breakfast.” Lanie’s voice broke the spell.
I pulled my hand away. “You had peanut butter on your cheek.”
He watched me a minute longer and then said, “Thanks.” As our gazes held, my heart filled with such longing for him and what we had. There was so much I wanted to say, and yet, every time we talked, it was always the same; I blamed him for working too much and he blamed me for focusing everything on the kids.
There was emotion in his eyes, and I wondered if he felt the same? Wishing we could get past our resentments to find us again.
He stepped back. “See you tonight.”
“Bye daddy,” the kids called.
He started out, but gave me a quick glance over his shoulder. It reminded me of when we first met as coworkers who weren’t supposed to fraternize. We kept our relationship on the downlow, but every time he’d leave a meeting, he’d give me one last look over his shoulder. At the time, it had been a look that said he’d loved me.
Only after
