“Lunch sounds good,” I said, not wanting to discuss my woes with Lanie around.
We made our way to the food court, where the girls ordered pizza, Emma got a pretzel and I bought a salad. Perhaps it was time to do something about the extra weight I’d packed on since becoming a mom.
We sat at a table and chatted about the goings-ons over the last week.
“Can we go play on the playground?” Lanie asked me, pointing to the indoor play area near where we ate.
She’d eaten a good amount of her pizza so I said, “Sure.” I picked up a napkin to wipe her face and hands.
“Me too, mommy?” Nina asked Emma.
“Yes. Work off some of that energy.”
With the kids off climbing in the play area, Emma leaned toward me. “So, what’s going on?”
I shrugged as I watched Lanie run with a huge grin on her face. “Same old, same old.”
“Come on, Ter, you can’t fool me.”
I sighed. “I just think things between me and Brayden have fizzled out and I don’t know how to get it back. I’m not sure he’d even want it back.”
She frowned. “What do you mean by that?”
I looked her in the eyes, wanting to be able to see if she’d tell me the truth of her feelings. “Do you think Brayden would cheat?”
“What?” Her eyes widened, giving me an answer that I liked. She didn’t think he was a cheater. Then again, how would she know? All she saw of Brayden was the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky family man.
“He works late—”
“He always worked late. Even when you were working late with him.”
And many of those nights he fucked me on his desk. Had his secretary replaced me?
“I don’t see it,” Emma said, shaking her head.
I looked down, feeling guilty for suspecting him, and at the same time, not sure I wasn’t right. “He’s so distant. It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.”
“Has he said anything?”
“That’s just it, we don’t say much to each other and when we do, we often end up arguing.” I wondered what she’d think if I confessed to her that I’d talked to a lawyer. If we couldn’t or wouldn’t change what was missing between us, why should we continue to live in silent misery?
“You know, there was a time when Derek and I started to drift a bit. Once a child is in the mix, between work and raising a kid, it’s easy to forget the marriage.”
I nodded. “What did you do?”
“We nipped it in the bud. We made sure we never went to bed angry. We always had dinner together. We had a date night once a week. I’m so glad we did,” she said wistfully and I knew she was thinking of him fondly. Although we’d already been friends when he’d died, we grew closer when she sought me out to give her advice on helping Nina deal with the loss, since I’d lost a parent.
“It might be too late for us,” I said.
She quirked a brow. “You’re still married and living in the same house, it’s not too late. Is it? Are you planning on leaving?”
I shook my head, not able to confess that I’d been considering it.
The girls rushed up to the table. “Can we get ice cream, mommy,” Lanie asked.
“Why not?” I said.
We got the girls ice cream, and when they finished, we headed out of the mall.
“Oh, look at that,” Emma said, pointing to a summer dress in the window of a shop.
“It’ll be winter soon,” I said.
“It’s sixty-percent off. Perfect time to buy it for next summer. Come on.”
We all went into the store. I looked through the racks of clothes, not expecting to find anything. Clothes shopping had lost its appeal when I’d gained weight. Now I was all about comfort over style.
I pulled out an emerald green halter dress, and for a moment, I had that feeling I’d had as a younger woman excited about the possibility of looking stunning. Quickly the feeling dissipated.
“You definitely need to try that on,” Emma said looking at me over the rack. “That color makes your eyes stand out.”
I shook my head. “I’d have nowhere to wear it.”
“So, set up a place to wear it.”
I shrugged, studying the pretty dress and trying to ignore the longing to be beautiful to Brayden again.
“Brayden works so much and we don’t go—”
“So, you set it up. Don’t wait for him. He might be waiting for you to make a move and with you both being stubborn, no wonder you can’t meet in the middle.”
Maybe she was right. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it on.”
“That’s more like the Terra I know.”
Then again, clothes didn’t fit me the way they used to. Chances were instead of the dress making me look prettier, I’d make it look frumpier. But I’d already said I’d try it on.
“Will you watch Lanie while I try it on?”
“Of course.”
I went to the dressing room, trying not to look in the mirror as I took my jeans and shirt off. I slipped on the dress and with a deep breath to shore up my defenses in case I looked hideous, I turned to the mirror.
The dress hugged hips I hadn’t had before kids, but not in a tight obnoxious way. The dress tapered at the waist and then the halter accentuated my breasts, the one part of me that I didn’t mind was larger. I’d have thought Brayden would have liked my fuller breasts too, but I’m not sure he noticed.
Because I still had my bra on and the straps were showing, I unclasped it so I could see the dress on me without the support or the showing straps.
For the first time in a long time, I saw the potential of pretty in me.
“So, how is it?” Emma asked from outside the dressing area.
“I’m going to buy it.”
“Great. And have Brayden take you out?”
“I’ll try.”
“You know I’m an excellent babysitter.”
I laughed, unhooking the halter back.
