“Will you remember?”
My gaze jerked to hers.
“You forgot to order my coffee yesterday,” she explained. Her expression was unreadable so I wasn’t sure if she was teasing me, hurt, or angry.
“I’m sorry,” I said, turning back to the coffee. I did feel bad, but my guilt also made me mad. Why didn’t she remind me when I was ordering? Was she testing me? Did she want me to fail?
When the coffee was done brewing, I handed her the cup. She took it, and sat at the table. I studied her for a minute, wondering where the woman I married had gone to? Hell, where had the man I’d been gone to?
“Why do you have to sleep with Noah? He should be able to go to bed and stay in his own bed without you.” I put another pod in the coffee maker and added my cup of water.
“He has trouble falling asleep.”
“So?”
She glared at me. “If you were home during bedtime, you’d see just how much trouble it is.”
I was home last night and all I saw was her take him to bed. Until I woke up this morning, I didn’t know she had come to our bed.
I was about to get into it with her, when Lanie appeared in the doorway.
“Are you making clown pancakes again?”
“No clowns today. How about eggs?” I asked, taking my cup and sipping to get a jolt of the bitter brew.
Lanie’s nose scrunched up. “I don’t want eggs.”
Terra picked Lanie up and set her in her lap. “How about German pancakes. That’s a little of both right? Eggs and pancakes?”
“Can I have powdered sugar on mine?” Lanie asked.
Terra had an amused smile; one I never saw directed at me anymore. “Sugar for breakfast?”
“I like sugar.”
“Who doesn’t?” I quipped, sitting across from them. The table between us was like a metaphor for our marriage. We’re together but a solid barrier now separated us.
Terra stood, setting Lanie in the chair. “I’ll make breakfast.”
“What are you plans for today?” I asked.
“Lanie and I are going shopping with Emma and Nina today. It will give you a chance to spend time with Noah.”
I wondered if she was poking at me for not spending more time with him. I decide to ignore the barb and pulled out my phone to check the weather. If it was nice, we could go to the locks and see the boats. Maybe even the salmon were still migrating, although it was getting a little late in the year for that.
“Mommy can I help with the eggs?” Lanie jumped down from her chair.
“Bring the stool over.”
I watched at Lanie pushed the stool and then climbed up and stood next to her mother.
“Mommy?” Noah walked into the kitchen.
Terra turned. “Morning baby, how’d you sleep?”
“Hey big guy,” I said, holding out my hands for him to come sit with me.
He went to Terra who picked him up. I watched as Terra and the kids worked on breakfast, ignoring me. Maybe not ignoring, but clearly, they were used to me not being there. I wasn’t a part of them. It was irrational, but I directed my anger at Terra. For whatever reason, she was unhappy with me, and it was getting in the way of my bonding with the kids.
“I’m going to shower,” I said standing. “Want to go see the boats at the lock today, Noah?”
Noah looked over his mother’s shoulder at me. “’kay.”
And with that enthusiastic declaration, I headed to the shower. Yesterday, I wanked off in the shower, and I’m pretty sure Terra caught me. At one point in our relationship, catching me touch myself would have turned her on and she’d have joined me. Now she was probably relieved that I was finding pleasure without having to involve her. How strange that a woman who’d been so passionate, who’d loved sex, was now not interested in it at all.
This morning, I wasn’t much interested either, so I simply showered and dressed in jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and put on a button shirt over it.
By the time I was done, Terra had breakfast on the table and the kids had started eating.
“Do you mind watching them while I shower?” she asked, grabbing a second cup of coffee from the brewer.
“Do I mind? Why would I mind being with my own kids?” I was being an ass, but I hated being treated like an outsider.
She simply glared as she passed me leaving the kitchen.
“How’s the grub?” I asked, sitting at the table with the kids.
“Good. Can I have more sugar?” Lanie asked.
Already, her food was swimming in powdered sugar. “I think you have enough.” I looked over at Noah sitting quietly as he ate his German pancake. “How about you buddy? Is the food okay?”
He nodded and my heart cracked that my own son couldn’t seem to talk to me.
Later that morning, I held Noah’s hand as we walked toward the locks. The locks connected the fresh water of Lake Washington and Lake Union with the saltwater of Puget Sound. Boats of all sizes passed through the system from kayaks up to large yachts. There was also a fish ladder for migrating salmon. It was the perfect place for a four-year old, or at least a normal one. But Noah was so quiet and reserved, I realized I didn’t know if he’d enjoyed going there or not.
We stood at the observation point as several recreational boats entered the lock.
“Do you see one you like?” I asked Noah as I held him.
His serious eyes scanned the boats. He shrugged.
“Would you want to go on a boat?”
“Will it sink?”
I looked at him wondering why he was so afraid of the world. Was that Terra’s fault? Mine?
“No son, it won’t.”
The water started to rise, lifting boats from the sound up to lake level. “They’re all going to the lake. You like it there, don’t you?”
“Yeah.” Noah watched as the boats rose in the water.
When they reached the right level, the gates opened the
