“Want to go see if there are any fish?” I asked.
“’kay.”
We walked down to the viewing area showing what went on under the water. Noah pressed his nose up to the glass as a large fish swam by. I watched him as he took in the fish.
“Want a fish in your room?” I asking.
He turned to me. “Like a pet? Mommy says we’re not old enough.”
“A fish isn’t like a dog. You do need to feed it, but I’ll teach you.”
He nodded, and I saw a hint of a smile. We watched the fish for a while and then took a walk through the gardens before going to lunch.
“You having fun, buddy?” I asked as I squirted ketchup on his plate for his fries.
“Yep.”
“What did you like best?” I put ketchup on my plate as well.
“The fish. Can I really get a fish?”
“Absolutely. How about we get one today?” I wondered if this was one of those things that I was supposed to consult Terra on first? Probably, but fuck it. My boy wanted a fish, I was going to get him one.
His smile was a little larger this time. Points for dad.
We ate for a bit when out of the blue, Noah asked, “How come you’re not home very much?”
My heart about stopped in my chest. I worked so hard to be a good provider, but all signs pointed to my being a shitty husband and father.
“I have to work to make money so we can live.”
“That’s what mommy says.” Noah picked up a chicken tender and ran it through the ketchup.
“What else does mommy say?” Inwardly I chastised myself. I shouldn’t be grilling my kid for information on what his mother says.
He shrugged.
“Working is important,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself. “I bet you work hard in school.”
He nodded, finishing chewing his chicken. “Do you wish you were home with us when you’re at work?”
God. It was like he was stabbing me in the heart. “Yes. I’d love to spend more time with you.”
“But you can’t because of work?”
“That’s right.” In that moment I had a flashback to when I was just a little older than Noah and asking my mom why dad was never around. She told me he was off working out of state, but later I determined she didn’t know who or where he was. My mother had difficulty working so she was around a lot, but the upshot of that was we didn’t have money. Some nights, we didn’t have dinner.
But that wasn’t the case now. We had plenty of money. Of course, we had that money because I worked hard. And money was a fickle thing. Something could go wrong and we’d lose it all. The fallout from that was missing out on spending time with my kids.
“Noah.”
He looked up from his lunch. “I’m sorry I’m gone a lot. But I’ll always be here for you, son. I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?”
He nodded, and yet, his eyes suggested he hadn’t been sure, and it tore me in two.
4 Brayden – Sunday
“Can I wear them now, mommy?” Lanie asked about the new shoes I was getting ready to buy for her.
“Me too, mommy,” Nina said to her mom, Emma. “We’ll be twins,” she said to Lanie.
“Yes, me and Nina want to be twins,” Lanie said.
I looked at my best friend Emma who gave me a smile. Our girls were as close as we were. Best friends. I hoped they’d stay that way as Emma and I had. We’d met in elementary school and built a friendship that spanned nearly thirty years. Even when we’d gone off to separate colleges, we’d stayed in touch.
We married around the same time, and had our first children within a few months of each other. But then Derek, her husband became ill with a rare form of cancer. It was heart-breaking to watch him wither away. To see the pain and grief of my best friend and not be able to do anything. He’d died a few years ago, and Emma was back to living a full life, at least for herself and her daughter. I admired her strength. It made me feel petty to complain about Brayden.
“It’s okay with me if you wear your new shoes,” I said. I’d gotten them for school because her current pair were getting too small for her.
“Me too,” Emma agreed.
“Yay,” the two girls grabbed the shoes and went to sit down to put them on. I ran my credit card through the payment machine.
“I wonder how long before we’re back here,” Emma said looking over at the girls. “Nina is growing so fast; she’ll be out of those shoes before I know it.”
“I know what you mean.”
“She’ll send me to the poorhouse just in the cost of clothes alone.”
I put my card back in my wallet, feeling grateful that I didn’t have to worry about money. I never had. My father was a successful VP and so money was never an issue for us while I grew up. Brayden was successful as well as frugal. He’d grown up in a family that struggled financially, which was probably why he worked so hard and we never wanted for money.
However, the saying that money can’t buy everything is true. It hadn’t been able to save my mom. And I didn’t think it would save my marriage. In fact, it was Brayden’s focus on work that was the source of our marital problems. Or maybe it was his young, voluptuous secretary.
I had no proof he was cheating and in fact, a part of me chastised myself for thinking he would do such a thing. But he wasn’t having sex with me, and he did work late a lot. The few times I called after seven to check on him, she’d been the one to pick up his phone…his cell phone.
“How about lunch?” Emma said as she finished paying. “Then
