“Oh no, he distracted me. The kissing monster got my baby,” I said teasingly.
His eyes sparked with a heat I hadn’t seen in a while. “It’s good to know I can still distract you.”
My entire body flushed with warmth. I’m sure my cheeks turned pink. God, I so desperately wanted to let my heart go and run off with all this emotion. But until I knew my prognosis, it would be cruel to him to give him hope only to leave him.
By that evening, the kids were exhausted. I was tired too, but in a good way. It was the kind of tired from a well-lived life. Brayden gave that to me, to us, today.
I helped Noah get ready for bed, and was about to lay down with him, when Brayden came in. He lay down on the other side.
“Noah?”
“Hmmm,” Noah’s voice was sleepy as his eyes closed.
“You’re a big boy now, aren’t you?” Brayden said.
“I’m four.”
“Do you think you can sleep in your own bed and mommy can sleep in hers?”
My first instinct was to protest, but I caught myself when I realized Noah wasn’t protesting.
“What if I get scared?”
“Then we’ll come in. But you’ve got George watching out for you. And here,” Brayden got up and grabbed a large stuffed teddy bear that sat on Noah’s shelf. “This bear will be here too.” He set the bear beside Noah, who snuggled into the plush toy.
“You okay, Noah?” I asked, trying to understand the sadness I was feeling. This should be a good thing. It was a good thing. And yet, I was sad that he didn’t need me.
“Goodnight, son.”
“Night daddy.”
I kissed his forehead. I started to tell him that if he needed me to call, but I didn’t want Brayden to think I was sabotaging his plan.
“Goodnight, honey.”
“G’night mommy.”
Brayden took my hand and led me to the living room. “Want some wine?”
I was tired and feeling like I should be with Noah, but I knew I’d destroy everything if I went to be with Noah. Or maybe I was trying to avoid being alone with him because I didn’t want to tell him about the cancer. Once that was out, everything would change. “Yes. That would be nice.”
He poured me a glass and came to sit with me on the couch. “We need to talk.”
I nodded. I was apprehensive. Brayden and I rarely talked alone anymore.
“I’m going to look into ways I can work less,” he said.
This was what I wanted all along. Plus, if he worked less, that would mean more time with the kids, which would be important if I didn’t survive. So why didn’t I grab hold of his words?
“You don’t have to do that. Your work is important.”
He frowned. “So are you and the kids.”
I looked down into my wine. I needed to tell him about my cancer, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
“I thought this was what you wanted. What’s going on?” Irritation laced his tone.
“You don’t need to do us any favors.” Again, I cursed myself for such insensitive words.
His eyes flashed with anger. “Jesus, Terra. Do you really think that’s what today was?”
“No.” I shook my head.
He started to move away, but I put my hand over his forearm.
“No. Today was lovely and I know you did it because you love the kids.”
“And you. I love you too, Terra. Is that it? You’ve stopped loving me?”
“No.” I’d always love him.
“Then what is going on? I’m trying to fix this between us. I want to take you out without the kids like we used to, but you seem to be putting on the breaks on everything I try. Why is that?”
I took a gulp of wine, trying to find the words to tell him I was sick. “I’d like to go out,” I said instead.
He studied me like he wasn’t sure if he could believe me.
“Emma could watch the kids.” I told myself that I’d tell him about my illness then. I wouldn’t spoil our lovely day with my news, even though I knew I was just making excuses because I was a coward.
“I’ll set it up,” he said, still looking skeptical.
I smiled.
“You look tired,” he said, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ears. I closed my eyes as I savored the warmth of his hand and the tenderness in his voice.
“I am. You wore us out today.”
“Come on then. Let’s go to bed.”
I wondered if he was going to try and have sex with me as he led me to our bedroom. I wondered if I’d feel comfortable enough in my body to let him. Instead, once we had our pajamas on and climbed into bed, he simply pulled me into his arms and held me.
“We’ll be okay, Terra,” he whispered. “I promise.”
I pressed my lips together to keep the cry of despair from escaping. I lay in his arms for the first time in longer than I could remember, wanting to fall into him and his love, and yet knowing it was possible that this time next year or maybe the year after, he’d be in this bed alone.
11
Brayden
Waking with Terra by my side the next morning, I wanted to believe that I made headway in the save-my-marriage plan, but I couldn’t be sure. There were moments when I felt like I was connecting with Terra and other times, she still felt out of reach. Worse, I got the feeling she wanted to keep the distance between us. Why?
Even in sleep, she looked tired, so I let her sleep as I got ready for work, and then got the kids ready for school. She woke just as I was helping Lanie get her backpack together.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep in. I must have slept through the alarm.”
“I turned it off.”
She stared at me and like before, for a moment she felt mine until something shifted in her eyes
