“I hope so.”
“Terra, you can’t hope so. You have to believe it. A big part of healing is attitude.” She frowned. “Has your doctor suggested that treatment won’t work?”
“No. He seems to be optimistic, but I need to be prepared for the worse. You know that. I need to get my house in order.”
She watched me and I almost felt like she was disappointed in me. “You can’t give up or give in.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you fight.” I fiddled with the knife on my table wishing our food was there so I could legitimately put my focus elsewhere.
“It always matters. I would have lost Derek sooner had he not fought. I suspect you’d have lost your mother sooner too.”
“At what cost?” I said tersely. “My mother had no quality of life because her treatments prevented her from living.”
“She had you and your dad. That’s quality.” Emma’s stern eyes challenged me as she leaned forward. “Are you saying you’d have wished her gone sooner?”
“I’d have wished her to be able to live until she died.”
“Everyone around you is going to fight. You’d be a bitch if you didn’t join in.”
Her words were like a slap in the face. I knew she was speaking the truth from her point of view. But I couldn’t hope for miracles or act like positive thinking would save me. I also didn’t want the lasting impression my kids had of me to be a comatose mother who couldn’t even hold their hands.
Finally, our food came, and I was relieved at the distraction.
“Let’s move on to happier topics. Tell me…what sorts of delicious sordid things did you and Brayden do last night.”
And like that, my mood changed. I felt my cheeks flush.
“Ooh, that sordid, huh? Your blush says it all.” Emma laughed.
“It was like before kids.”
“Ooh…even better. Wanton. Dirty.” She sighed. “I miss that.”
“I did too. I was afraid since I didn’t look the same, that Brayden wouldn’t find me attractive.”
“That dress I got you says differently.”
I blushed again. “He seemed to like the extra bits.”
“Men like curves. I think it’s an instinct forged back in the primal caveman days.”
I laughed and let myself relax into the conversation. Yes, I had a lot on my mind, but I couldn’t let the joy of now get ruined by worry. If I was committed to living until the end, whether that came from cancer sooner, or old age later, I needed to be present in the moment.
We had lunch and shared a dessert, and then we walked through the shops at Pikes Place. It was loaded with tourists and not a place we usually went, but it was fun to see the sights.
When it was time to part to run errands before picking up the kids, Emma gave me a hug.
“Remember, whatever you need, just ask. I’ll be pissed if you don’t.”
“I’ll ask.”
“Promise me.” She gave me a little shake.
“I promise.”
That evening Brayden arrived home in time for dinner. He smiled and played with the kids, but I could see the stress in his eyes.
When the kids were in bed, he went to his home office. The old resentment flared that he’d abandon me for work , but I did my damnedest to control it. I let him work for an hour and then peeked my head in.
“How’s it going?”
He turned to look at me, and I could see that he felt like he was being torn in two. He wanted to be here for me and the kids, but his job called him too.
“We’re financially secure, Brayden,” I said because that worry was for naught.
He poked the side of his head with his index finger. “I know that here, but … businesses fail…stocks fall ...economies collapse…”
I walked up to him and looked down at what he was working on. It appeared to be the current projects the company was working on.
“Are you worried your staff can’t cover for you?” I asked.
“I know they’re capable.”
It was in that moment that I realized just how powerful Brayden’s fears about being poor again were. He knew in his head that chances were extremely low he’d ever be without basic needs again, and yet, his soul still carried the child that had gone without so much.
I put my hand on his shoulder, wanting to comfort him. To let him know I had faith in him and he could put his faith in his workers.
“Wow, you’re tense,” I said as I kneaded his shoulder.
“A little. I’m scared shitless about you Terra, if you want to know the truth.”
My heart filled with warmth. It was strange to feel a comfort in hearing that he wasn’t just worried about the company or money, but me as well. I guess a part of me still wondered where I sat on his list of priorities.
All sorts of replies filtered through my brain such as, “I’m scared too,” but instead, I decided I didn’t want to talk about my cancer.
I swiveled his chair and stood between his thighs. “Forget about that for a minute. Forget about all of it.”
He looked up at me expectantly. I dropped to my knees, liking the flash of excitement in his eyes even though there was no way he could know for sure what I was doing. The fact that his brain automatically went to blow job was thrilling.
“Let me help you take your mind off your troubles. Ease your tension.”
“Terra.” He put his hands over mine as I undid his belt. “You don’t have to—”
“I want to. I want to suck you until your eyes roll back in your head.” It had been a long time since I’d talked like that, and I liked being able to tap into the old Terra.
“I think I just came.” He gave me a lopsided grin.
My hand rubbed the steel hard length of him under his fly. “No, not yet.” I freed his dick, loving how he
