I was upset at him for not considering how my life was, but I hadn’t really thought about his, like the weight of responsibility of running a business. I’d just assumed he was putting it ahead of his family because of his phobic worry about being poor again. But it was more than that.
He didn’t support or acknowledge me and what I did, but neither did I for him. In fact, I withdrew from him. At least he’d never done that. In fact, he’d done all sorts of things to try and reconnect with me, including setting up today. All of a sudden, I felt like the bad guy in this marriage.
“Brayden,” I called and trotted to catch up with him. He was through the exit of the zoo, and I thought he might be leaving. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have been more understanding and supportive of what you’ve taken on.”
He stopped and took a deep breath. He looked at me, his eyes filled with a torrent of emotions. “I don’t want to fight, Terra. That’s not what I wanted for today.”
I was ruining everything and blaming him. It was time to grow up and meet him in the middle, like he’d been asking me to for a long time. “What did you want?”
“To make a grand gesture.” He nodded in the direction behind me.
I turned, and my heart jumped. We were just outside the rose garden where we were married nearly a decade before.
“Will you give me a chance or am I wasting my time?” he asked.
I felt tears of shame for making it so hard for him to reach me. “You’re not wasting your time.”
He studied me for a minute, like he was trying to decide if I was being truthful. Then he motioned for me to walk toward the garden.
“I know that I’m…was a workaholic. In my mind I was justified, partly because I like the control and security it gives me, but also, I wanted to make sure you had the life you were accustomed to growing up.”
“Brayden, I don’t need—”
“It’s me, I know.” We walked along the path toward the gazebo where we’d exchanged vows. “I’ve been going to the cancer support group.”
“What? Really?” How had I not known that?
“I went there to see what else I could do to help you. To reach you and let you know that I was there for you, even though I fucked up.”
Guilt lanced through me again. While I’d been withdrawing, he’d been trying to reach me. All the messages and texts flitted through my memory. All of them ended with an I love you. I hadn’t responded to most. And I hadn’t returned the sentiment. I really was a bitch.
“I hadn’t expected it to be therapeutic,” he said.
“In what way?” I asked. A rush of need to touch him filled me. I reached out and took his hand. He looked down at our entwined fingers and then at me. I swore I could see some of his tension and worry leave his face.
“It’s no secret that a driving force in my work life is to never be without food again.”
I nodded.
“I always thought it was up here,” he said, using his other hand to tap his brain. “But they made me talk about when my mom and I were homeless. I remembered forging through the garbage for food.”
“Brayden…” I’d known his family had struggled and knew they’d been homeless for a time, but I’d never known about not having food. My heart went out to the little boy he’d been and I found myself admiring the man he’d become even more. “I never knew.”
He gave me a sheepish smile. “No. That’s not something you say on a first date, or ever. There’s a shame to it. The one thing my mother was able to give me was the message that education and hard work would pull me out of poverty. That along with never wanting to experience the hardship of my childhood is ingrained in here.” He pressed his hand over his heart. “I hadn’t realized how deep it was.”
“I can see why you were so driven. It makes sense now that you started on your own after Lyle took your idea all those years ago. He took your control of your destiny away from you.”
He thought on that a moment. “I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it makes sense.”
We finally reached the gazebo. Other people were enjoying the gardens, but I was singularly focused on him.
“I used to think that if the business failed and the economy tanked, I’d lose everything, and as you know, I’m overly concerned about that.”
I smiled. “Yes.”
“I’ve since realized that you walking away with the kids is when I’d lose everything. I don’t want that, Terra. I want desperately to make you happy. I might have been a dunce, but I’ve never ever stopped loving you.”
“I know. I just—” I didn’t know what to say because now my reasoning seemed like selfish excuses. Yes, he might have been able to do more to spend time with us, but at least he’d made an effort. It was more than I had done. I could have offered to help him with his work. I could have told him I loved him instead of always getting irritated and angry.
“I know these last few weeks that you’ve thought I was reverting to old behavior, but I really was trying to set things up so I could be away more. It just took time and issues kept coming up.” He shook his head. “And I know that sounds like the same old same old. It really was different this time.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t more sensitive to that.”
“It’s not like you don’t have more important concerns.” He kissed my hand. “At the group, I had an epiphany. It scared the shit out
