Over the next few days, I cling to this hope. Every morning I stop by the Healer Ward to check on Theo. An extra dose of guilt curdles in my gut whenever I walk through that door. My motivations for visiting him are almost as selfish as my reasons for not breaking up with Rafe yet.
And the longer I put it off, the deeper I fall for that adorable fox shifter.
Which means it’s going to suck even more when I have to break things off with him. I lie on my bed, both arms covering my face, and groan in a most pathetic fashion. Apart from my emotional turmoil, this day has been somewhat perfect. A slow wake up to warm sunlight floating into our room, meals at our own pace, and a game of pool with Rafe. Apparently, his shark skills are limited to cards because I beat him three times.
Saturdays are still the best, even when you’re dead.
Haya laughs at my melodramatic moanings and flops onto the edge of my mattress. “That bad, huh?”
“I am the worst ghost who exists in the world.”
“Now that’s just prideful. Not a good look on you Billie.” She pokes my ribs and I burst into ridiculous laughter. “There is no solid evidence proving this ridiculous hypothesis.”
“Seriously though.” I push myself up against the headboard. “I’ve got to break up with Rafe.”
Haya makes a face. “Why?”
“Why?” I lean forward. “Because I’m starting to think I want to stick around as a Ghost Guide. What happens when we get in too deep? What if when he finishes all his business, he decides not to pass on because of me? Kaz says ghosts get messed up if they don’t move on when they’re supposed to.”
Haya purses her lips and adjusts her glasses. “So, just because things might get a little hard near the end you’re going to K.O. your relationship right now?”
I shrug.
“If we were all still alive, would you decide to break up with him just because one of you might die one day?”
“It’s not the same thing.” I sweep my hair out of my eyes. “He’ll have to make a choice and I don’t want to mess that up.”
Haya lifts her brows. “Have you asked him about it?”
I open my mouth, then shut it again. Her question sounds similar to the one I asked Melissa when she made assumptions about why Rafe shifted in class. So far, all I’ve done is listen to Landon and beat myself up about being selfish. Maybe I’m not the worst ghost in the world, but I sure have been dense.
“Now why would I do that? It sounds way too logical and reasonable.” I cover my burning face with my hands and Haya giggles.
“It’s easy to get caught up when you’re in love.”
“Calm down, friend, not sure I’m there yet.”
Haya winks. “Yeah okay.” She bumps me with her foot. “You’ve got serious heart eyes.”
“With that, I will not argue.”
“So, what are you waiting for? Go talk to him.”
Giving her a friendly little swat, I lung forward and wrap her in a hug. “You’re a good friend. And you’re going to be an awesome Ghost Guide.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Quite literally.” Her voice quivers slightly.
I lean back and scrutinize her face. “Are you okay?”
Haya picks at a loose string on her button up. “It’s nothing. You have an important conversation ahead of you.”
I reach out and take her hand. “Hey, what’s going on with you is important too. Rafe can wait a bit. What’s bugging you?”
Letting out a sigh, Haya allows her eyes to slide shut. “I still haven’t had any signs that I might be a Ghost Guide. I’m afraid I might’ve been wrong about what I’m supposed to do in the afterlife, but I still don’t really want to move on. It’s rather overwhelming.”
My throat tightens. She’s mentioned this before, but then she’d seemed hopeful. Now it sounds like she’s starting to worry. “Is there a time limit before you have to start showing signs?”
“Graduation.”
I try to swallow, but fail. “When’s yours?”
“Two months.”
I tighten my grip on Haya’s hand. “Wow, that’s soon.”
Very soon. How had I not realized this was going on? That this deadline was so tight for her? I must’ve been so wrapped up in my own drama, in my own love story or whatever it was, that I hadn’t paid attention.
Haya opens her eyes and forces a stiff smile. “Very soon.”
I lift my chin. “Well maybe I can help.”
She squints at me. “What do you have in mind?”
“Twenty questions.” I grin and Haya giggles. “No but really, maybe we can add a layer of research into Untwist the Mystery, or ask Kaz about it. I’m sure he could help. What you want has to count for something.”
“Perhaps.” Haya slides her glasses back into place. “You’re a good friend, Billie. Truly. Now go take my wise advice and have a conversation with your beau. At the very least I can help a stubborn ghost still stuck on this side of things enjoy her time in between.”
“But-”
She stands, pulling me upright, then shoves me back toward the door. “Go.”
Before I can argue anymore, Haya gives me one, final push into the hall and locks me out of our room. Obviously I can slide right back in, but I do need to go talk to Rafe. Putting it off isn’t going to make anything better.
I drift down the stairs and toward the common room. My conversation with Haya has cast a heavy sort of cloud over me, shifting my positive view her advice gave me, to a dreary one. All my concern about Rafe and my lost memories blinded me to my own roommate’s problems. Maybe I’m not so good at balance.
What if I’m as toxic as I’ve feared all along?
I pause at the bottom of the stairs, my chest tight, thoughts swirling. The possibilities of who I was
