One thing is clear though: since I’ve been here, I’ve absolutely focused way too much on myself.
Pressing my forehead against the wall, I concentrate on not allowing myself to slip through. If I had a body, the cool of its surface would slide across my skin. But my spirit is far colder than the wood I’m pressed up against. I grimace.
My selfishness has already hurt Haya, and if I don’t change something soon, it might end up hurting Rafe. Chances are the abuse he went through with his mom has made it difficult for him to set up appropriate boundaries. And if Ms. Alvarez is right, the events at Blakemore have messed him up even further.
It might be better to set him free now, and hope we can talk things out once he heals. Once we both heal.
With a deep breath, I step out of the stairwell and into the common room. Rafe is sitting on the couch with a computer. He smiles up at me when I walk in. My stomach shrivels with dread, and I shove away Haya’s voice in my head telling me to talk to him. It’s selfish and immature, but I run to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder.
He doesn’t say a single word. Instead, he slides the laptop onto the cushion next to him, and pulls me into his lap. For a minute, I just breath in his scent. I don’t want to think about what I’m about to do, I just want to curl into him.
Rafe strokes my back. “Want to talk about it?”
Absolutely not.
Insides roiling, I look up into his dark eyes, then cup the back of his neck and pull him into a kiss. It’s warm and wonderful, lighting my entire being ablaze. As a ghost I can float, but even that doesn’t feel like this. No afterlife could surpass this.
That thought alone stops me, and in spite of myself, I sniff.
Rafe eases back. “What’s going on? Did you have another life flash?”
I shake my head. Haya told me to talk to him about us instead of making a decision for us. But if Ms. Alvarez is right and Rafe is so messed up from Blakemore he’s having difficulty figuring out his unfinished business, I can’t throw any more choices at him. It might make things worse, distract him from what he needs to focus on. Maybe that’s why she wanted another way of “taking care” of me.
Whatever that means, it makes me wonder if I’m just complicating things for Rafe.
I slide off his lap and take his hands. “Rafe, you are so wonderful. So unbelievable sweet.” Finding the right words makes my head pound. I can’t let him believe he did something wrong, the blame belongs entirely on me. “Right now, I’m all messed up. I want to help you with your unfinished business, but I’m terrified my damage is going to get in the way of all that.”
My throat gums up as his brows furrow. “Billie-”
“Please let me finish.” I duck my head so I don’t have to see the hurt in his eyes.
There are so many things I want to tell him, so many things I want to say, to explain. I love him. I care about him so much it actually hurts a little. But I know if I say any of this it’s only going to be harder to do what I need to do.
“Right now, I don’t know who I am, not fully, and until I figure that out, I can’t think about...falling for anybody. You don’t need that mess, you don’t need anything to get in the way of finding your sister, of passing on. Because you deserve peace.”
Before he can argue, I jump up, and sprint out of the dorms. Leaving my heart behind, sitting on a couch.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Before I get very far, Theo and Kaz burst out the door of the main building. They immediately catch sight of me and head in my direction. After days of rest, Theo looks so much better, and I’m torn between excitement to see him well, and the pain of my still aching heart.
I wipe my face quickly, and force on my best smile. Neither of them need to know anything about my teenage drama. “Hey Theo, you look like you’re feeling a lot better.” I cough to hide an escaping sob, then try again. “Does this mean we’re about to go on a ghosty road trip back to my roots?”
“If you’re up for it,” Theo says. “Though Kaz will be going with you to save time.”
I lift my brows at Kaz.
“I’d have Rafe help you out, but since Theo had trouble with Xers there already, I’d rather you have someone else with the ability to fight off their spells. Just in case.”
Letting out a breath, I cross my arms, relieved to have an excuse to get out of Locklear and not to have to explain what just happened with Rafe. “Okay then, lay it on me, Theodore.”
“Let’s take a walk.” Theo cocks his head to one side. “This is a little more complicated than I’d like.”
“Same song, second verse. I’m starting to get used to that, buddy.”
We set out on a path around the school just like we did when he first visited. Usually, I find these woods calming — apart from the two times that Twisted Ghost decided to wreck said calm — but right now my nerves are buzzing and my head is throbbing.
Reason in the form of Haya’s voice screams at me to run back to Rafe and take it all back, but
