“You calling me old?” I joke.
She smiles. “I’d kill to be your age, but you know, I’m just checkin’ on ya.”
“Not sure I’m meant to have a woman in my life,” I tell her, shocking myself for letting that admission slip so easily.
She tilts her head. “I know I’m not your momma, and I’d never pretend to be, but you know you can talk to me, right? I hold our conversations close to my heart.”
I think back to the couple of talks we had several years ago. The first one was right after our parents died. She came over to let me know that if I ever needed anything, she was just a phone call away. She offered to watch Merrick if I ever needed a break. At the time, Cillian and Royce were sixteen and seventeen, but Merrick was only eleven, and she knew I was both working and going to school.
I never took her up on it. I strapped the responsibility to my back and made it work, even if it meant Royce and Cillian needed to stay home with Merrick instead of going out. I didn’t want to rely on anyone else. My parents entrusted me with the lives of their other kids, and I felt like I had to do it on my own.
Cillian was going over to Barbara’s house a lot back then, because he was best friends with her daughter, Midge, and I’m thankful he had them. Our house was sad and quiet for a long time, but Midge really helped Cill come out of his depression.
Merrick was young and confused, but he had music and his friends to help him through it. Royce suffered, and didn’t allow anyone to get close to him for a long time. His heart was shattered by the death of our parents and he couldn’t allow himself to care for anybody else in case he lost them, too. At least until recently.
The second conversation I had with Barbara was when she came over a few months after their deaths, and told me I had to shape up. She wasn’t rude about it, but I wasn’t caring for my brothers like I should’ve been. We stayed alive by eating out almost every day, or eating a bunch of junk food. We barely spoke to each other, because we were all suffering. She told me I needed to create a new normal, but a healthy one.
She began sending meals over, and then I started to learn how to recreate them. I stayed on top of the boys when it came to their homework, and helped keep them on a good path.
It’s not easy raising young men when you’re still young yourself, and I had held in all of my emotion because I didn’t want them to see me weak. I didn’t want them to watch me crumble, because they needed someone to be strong for them. But by doing that, I never allowed myself time to grieve.
The day Barbara came over and talked to me, I broke down and cried like a baby. She wrapped me in her arms and let me weep. We stayed in touch for a little while after that, but once I pulled myself together again, I let time pass without actually letting her know how much that day meant to me.
Recently, she had a birthday party, and I was happy to be able to speak to her again and let her know how much I appreciated what she did for not only me, but my brothers as well.
“You know,” I say, clearing my throat. “I wish I had taken you up on your offer to call when I needed anything. I think I could’ve used your advice more than I wanted to admit. But I’ll forever be thankful that you stepped in when you did and opened my eyes.”
She reaches out and rubs my forearm, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m just so sorry that you boys had to go through that. But don’t try to convince me that you aren’t deserving of love. You’ve loved and cared for those boys for years. You’ve never put yourself first, but they’re grown now, sweetheart. You did good.” She squeezes my arm, giving me a smile. “You have to have a life, too.”
A lump forms in my throat, because I imagine my mom saying these same things. I was an adult when my parents died, but you never stop needing your parents. You don’t need them to take care of you forever, but sometimes you need their wisdom, advice, and counsel.
“Thank you. I’m gonna try, but,” I sigh, shaking my head, not sure what to even say.
“Look, let’s plan to meet up again. We don’t need to have a full-on therapy session in the middle of a pizza place.” She laughs, making me chuckle along with her. “But I’m more than happy to keep listening. So, let’s meet up this weekend, yeah?” She stands up. “Is Saturday good? I’ll be at Meadow Acres around noon, because that’s where I do my walking. Meet me there?”
She doesn’t leave much room to say no, but I wouldn’t anyway. I nod, giving her a grateful smile. “I’ll see you then.”
20
It’s Friday, which means another day of calculus, but I ignored Elijah as much as I could. He didn’t call on me in class, and I kept my head down almost the whole time. I’m still in my feelings about the way everything went down on Wednesday, but tonight is party night, and I’m determined to put him out of my mind and have a good time.
I have to stop dwelling on a one-night stand. Perhaps I would’ve been over it already if he weren’t my professor and I didn’t have to see him
