Ahh, money. There it was. Perhaps one of thelargest sources of tension in their marriage. It was all Peterseemed to focus on. All he seemed to care about. He was obsessed byit. Elizabeth couldn't fault Peter for working hard to provide fortheir family, but he didn't seem to see that there was no point inworking for your family when you never spent time with your family.Elizabeth resented how much Peter worked. Elizabeth resented howtightly Peter controlled the finances. Elizabeth resented howclosely Peter watched her spending. She was at the point where shevery rarely bought anything new for herself. But mostly, Elizabethresented the fact that Peter now had her "trained" in how and whyshe could spend money. She also knew that should their marriagefail, which it was likely to do, she would be unable to support thekids. She doubted that Peter would continue to support her andwould fight excessive support for the children. Well, what hedeemed excessive. Of course he had no idea what it truly took torun the house. And she resented and resented andresented.
This resentment consumed her, turning her intoa person she didn't recognize. Gone was the bubbly girl she oncehad been. Gone was the girl who had dreams and aspirations. Gonewas the girl who would sing and dance and create stories in herhead. Elizabeth was so far removed from that person that she oftenforgot that girl once existed. Every so often, something remindedElizabeth of this girl that she used to be. But that was even morepainful, thinking about who she should have or could have beeninstead of who she was.
After putting the groceries away, Elizabethturned on her laptop and opened her e-mail. After wading throughcountless spam and junk e-mails, Elizabeth finally opened an e-mailfrom a college friend who lived in the next town and was chairing agala fundraiser for the local juvenile diabetes association.Elizabeth's mind began to race with the possibility of a night outon the town, getting all dressed up. She looked down at her stainedkhaki pants with the cuffs starting to fray. Her turquoise,long-sleeved t-shirt had tiny holes down the front of it. Her darkchocolate hair was cut in a perfunctory "Mom-bob," despiteinstructions to the hairdresser to give her a modern, updated look.Now, by the end of the day, it was messy and unkempt. She hadstarted the day with some make-up on, but it was minimal, and sureto be gone by now. She preferred not to look too closely at whatshe looked like anymore. It was easier.
With a small sense of renewed hope, Elizabethclosed the laptop, getting ready to start dinner. She would discusswith Peter the possibility of attending the charity gala overdinner. Sure, it would mean spending money, but they could afford asplurge here and there. They had not even been out to dinner, justthe two of them, in the past year. Peter traveled too much andtheir schedules were too hectic. Plus, Elizabeth hated getting asitter. The kids were, at times, difficult, and she was notcomfortable leaving them with a teenager. Her mother offered totake the kids occasionally, but it sometimes led to more headachesthan a night out was worth.
As Elizabeth processed the logistics ofattending the gala, her hope slowly began to deflate. Would hermother even be able to take the kids overnight? Would she give hera hard time about it, reminding Elizabeth that her own parentsnever offered when Elizabeth was growing up? She would wind upcalling Elizabeth throughout the night because the kids werebickering, and she couldn't handle it. Sydney's reticence to gowith her grandmother because she felt like her grandmother was toobossy. Elizabeth's mother, Agnes, was too bossy. She was a sadlady, depressed and anxious, fearful of the big bad world. Herdefense mechanism was to be controlling in a paranoid way. This ledto tension between mother and daughter, as Agnes was ever-criticalof the job Elizabeth was doing raising her children. Elizabeth'sfather just sat there, never saying anything, and certainly neverdefending Elizabeth. Thomas had been verbally beaten intosubmission throughout his long and unhappy marriage to Agnes. Hejust sat there, never standing up to Agnes. Another issue thatElizabeth had to deal with. Another identity that was not her own,Agnes' daughter.
After the kids were in bed that night,Elizabeth realized that she needed something tangible to pull herout of her funk. And the diabetes gala was just the thing. Sheneeded something to look forward to, and the gala was it. It wouldbe a way for her and Peter to rekindle a little romance. Anyintimacy she felt towards Peter was long gone, replaced by feelingsof resentment. If they could just have a special night, with fancyclothes, and good food, with a little dancing and without thepitter-patter of little feet, she was sure they could sparksomething. And if that could not do it, then it was time to endtheir farce of a marriage and move on.
Elizabeth started thinking about what she wouldwear. Whatever it was, Elizabeth wanted something that made herfeel the way she hadn't, in oh so many years. Like a beautiful,sexy woman. Not somebody's mother. Not somebody who had given up onherself. All Elizabeth wanted was to feel desired. To feel special.But it was not to be. Because as much as she hated to admit it, andnever said it out loud, Elizabeth
