“Talking about what we should have had, how things should be, doesn’t change how they actually are,” I point out.
“But Ethan shouldn’t win,” Dad insists.
I close my eyes. Obviously Dad can’t see that there’s no one in this situation who has won anything. The grief of losing Mom, and now my father has to deal with his elder daughter dying, too. I can’t really blame him for how extreme his anger is, but it’s going to make everything that much worse.
“He’s not winning. Nobody is winning,” I tell him. Dad scowls at me and I can see the shift in his mind. Suddenly I’m not just a hesitant participant in whatever conspiracy he’s trying to make happen, but instead I’m someone who might be an enemy. It hurts my heart even more than Alexis’ death to think of my dad looking at me like an enemy.
“Lara, are you trying to get something started with him? Do you actually feel bad for him? You cut your sister out of your life, and avoided even being a part of this family at all for years, and now that he’s single…”
“You can hold it right there, Dad,” I say quickly, swallowing the instinctive anger I feel at his accusations.
“What?” Dad’s scowl deepens, and I can only shake my head.
“I’m not interested in having anything to do with Ethan. I haven’t forgiven him, and I don’t know if I ever will,” I explain.
“So why are you taking his side?”
I sigh. “I’m on Riley’s side. I want what’s best for her, I love her. She’s my niece, and she’s a beautiful baby girl, and you should want what’s best for her too,” I tell my father firmly.
“I do, and it would be best for you to have full custody of her,” Dad says stubbornly.
“No, it wouldn’t. She’s Ethan’s baby as much as she was Alexis’ baby, and he’s never done anything to harm her,” I point out.
“He wrecked the car,” Dad counters. I’m torn between wishing that Ethan would just show up so that Dad will stop talking and knowing that we have to actually have this out.
“It was an accident. It was a miracle that any of them came out of it alive, and the fact that Riley lived is the most important thing. I know you’re hurting, Dad, but this is what Alexis wanted.”
Dad stops arguing, and I know he’s still stewing but I can’t bring myself to poke and prod, to make him finally explode so that this can just be over. After maybe fifteen minutes, I hear a car driving up to the house, and I hope that it’s Ethan, in spite of how awkward that will be.
He comes in with Riley in his arms, all smiles. Dad picks up the paperwork I was looking at and retreats into it, and I wonder how we’re all going to get through the next day in the house together before I have to go back home.
“How are your parents?” I ask.
He sets Riley down on a blanket on the floor and pulls her toy box over, but lets her work out how to open it on her own.
“They’re doing okay,” Ethan says, taking a seat.
“Mama here?” Riley looks up at me, and my heart feels like it’s being crushed.
“No, sweetie,” I say.
“Where Mama?” Riley frowns, and I try to think of a way to explain to a baby, barely eighteen months old, that her mother is never coming back.
“Mama’s gone, baby,” Ethan says, and I can hear the pain and resignation in his voice.
“Want cookie,” Riley says.
“I think there are still some of the cookies Mrs. Tierney left,” Dad says, and he gets up to leave the room so fast that I’m sure even Ethan knows we were talking about him while he was gone.
“My parents can take her in the first part of the week,” Ethan tells me, and I nod.
“I’ll have a better idea of what I can manage tomorrow night after work,” I say. Everything feels so stilted between us, but I can’t think of a way to make it any different. I can’t even think of why I should want it to be more relaxed, except for the fact that Riley is bound to notice, and with her mother gone there’s going to be a lot of tension that a baby shouldn’t have to deal with.
“I hope we can get some kind of routine set up pretty quickly,” Ethan says.
“Yeah, that’s what would be best for Riley,” I agree, distracting my niece for a few moments with one of her toys while Dad’s getting her a cookie.
Looking at the darling toddler girl, I can’t help but remember my first reaction to finding out her name. I take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. I’d wanted to rip the hair out of my own head when I’d gotten the news.
Before we’d broken up, Ethan and I had actually talked about our future, about settling down and having kids like high-school sweethearts do, about what we wanted to do with our lives. Ethan had still had no clue what he would do for work, but he’d told me that he wanted to name our first daughter, if we had any girls, Riley, and I’d loved the name even after we’d broken up. It had felt like an even bigger betrayal when I’d learned that my sister was going to name my niece the name that Ethan and I had planned for our daughter.
“I want you to know, I don’t expect you to financially contribute or anything,” Ethan says, and I look up, confused.
“I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“I just, I mean, the thing with you taking care of Riley. It’s not about money. I thought you should know.”
I shrug. “Ethan, I figured that if it was about money, there’d be something more
