“No, you’re more cuddly than anything.” She giggled when hisshuddered at the word. “You know what I mean, my sweet cuddlyGoth.”
“Well, that’s a new one,” he said with a smile. “But I neversaid anything about not liking you touching me.”
“But whenever I try, you pull away. And last night when Ihugged you, it was like the end of the world. Then today atlunch–”
He cut her offmid-sentence with a kiss. “I’ll probably regret this,” he said witha sigh, gazing into her eyes. “But I can’t fight you off anylonger.”
“Regret what? Did something bad happen to you? You can tellme.”
“It’s nothing like that.” He rested his head on hers, lightlystroking her arm. After a moment’s hesitation, he undid the beltand released her wrists. “Go ahead, do your worst.” Resting hisback against the headboard, he closed his eyes as she wrapped herarms around him and laid her head on his chest.
“I only want to hold you.” She pressed a kiss over his heartand tightened her grip on him. He was as stiff as a board for apainful minute but she refused to let him go. It felt good toreturn the affection, to be on the giving end. Just like the nightbefore, he let out a borderline painful whimper before giving in.Wrapping his arms around her, he held her impossiblycloser.
“It’s not about me not liking your touch,” he said tightly.“It’s the opposite. I want it so much, I crave it.”
“I don’t understand.”
With a labouredbreath, he attempted to explain, “Growing up the way I did, withoutlove, without affection, it did something to me. It left a mark, agiant hole in my heart which can never be filled. I’m a walkingopen wound vulnerable to infection at every turn.”
“Infection?” she repeated, confused. “From what?”
“Love…”
“You think of love as an infection?” she asked. “Is this theGoth in you speaking?”
“I’m afraid not,” he said with a sigh. “This is my realityspeaking.”
Gwen could onlyfrown. “Oh, come on, Crispin! Please stop.” He was killing her withhis words, yanking on every last one of her heartstrings, and thewine induced haze only made it worse. “That’s the saddest thingI’ve ever heard!”
“It’s the truth, Gwen! It’s my truth.” In an effort to silenceher while he got the words that weighed heaviest on his heart outwithout interruption, he cupped his hand over her lips and waited.Only when she nodded, did he again speak the phrase that he’d heldinside forever, never before spoken aloud to anyone else’sears.
“Listen to me carefully… Love, much like a human, is parasiticin nature. It makes you crazy with want of it.”
“Crispin…”
“No, listen, while I have it in me to speak of. Normal peoplereceive love the moment they are born. Their mother takes them inher arms, the baby receives unconditional love. When you don’texperience that, you’re essentially lost. Think of love like adisease, such as the flu or small pox. If you’ve never been exposedto it, or had the vaccine, then you’re basically fucked.” Only thendid he remove his hand from her lips.
“Whoa… are you saying, you have no resistance to love becauseyou’ve never been loved?”
Unable torespond, he nodded in silence before finding his voice once again.“Worst part is, I am an unlovable human being.”
“That’s impossible!” she protested, refusing to accept hispoint of view. “Just how drunk are you?”
“Then how would you explain my existence?” he growled inresponse. “Why is it no one wants me? Why is it I can’t have anormal relationship? Why am I so easily cast aside?”
“Wait… is this about the bracelet?” she asked. “Or the girl youbought it for?”
“Sort of, yes, but it goes way back,” he explained. “Gracie wasjust the last straw. I’m not angry at her. She never made me anypromises. I was the fool who wanted to force our casualrelationship into something more. Being around Becky and Kell mademe realize how much I wanted what they had. Then Dorian showed upwith Heather. Now they can’t keep their hands off each other.Keegan already left once because of a girl.”
“Oh, Crispin…”
“The whole point of this trip was to go off on my own, to getused to being alone,” he forged on, determined. “Then you comealong and ruin it with your eyes of blue-grey. Try as I might tokeep this casual, I’m failing miserably all over again. Only thistime, I won’t survive it, I just know it.”
“You don’t know that.” She hugged him tighter but before shecould say anything else, he started up again. Not wanting tointerrupt, she kept quiet.
“No one ever wants me for long. Once you find out how hollow Iam, you’ll toss me away like everyone else. Gwen, you’re not thefirst woman to cause me to let my guard down. I’m my own worstenemy. I have no natural defence against forming attachments withpeople who only end up tearing my heart out when they leave. Ashard as I try to be cold and heartless, I fail every time. I’veknown you for what? Less than a week and I’ve already fallen foryou. What does that say about me?”
“Uhh…. well, it’s been an intense couple of days, and I’mtrying very hard not to take offence to that, given thecircumstances.”
“Please don’t. Whatever this is, between us, it’s more realthan anything I’ve felt before. Only I’m afraid to believe it. I’mafraid to allow myself to think it.” This time it was Gwen whocupped her hand over his mouth. With much reluctance, he gave asmall nod.
“What I was going to say is that even though it seemsimpossible, you still have hope. Somewhere along the lines of yourchildhood, you must have encountered a tiny bit of love because ifyou hadn’t, you wouldn’t be open to it or give it so freely.”Removing her hand, she then kissed him and smiled into his sadeyes.
“In reality,” he said pensively, “I should be a cold-bloodedpsychopath, unable to form bonds, or feel empathy. Perhaps thatwould have been easier, not to care. It wouldn’t hurt somuch.”
“Don’t you ever say that again or even think it!” Shocked, shegrabbed his head between her palms and glared at him. “You’re thecomplete opposite. When you push me
