Around this time in my career, I was very puzzled by film scripts. None of the ones I read ever made me laugh. I figured that I must not know how to read scripts properly. Maybe these things were funnier in person than on the page.
Then I got Harris’s first draft of Olympic.
Every page had a huge laugh. I couldn’t believe it. Jody Hill and I called each other and were just rolling about our favorite jokes.
I was DYING.
Here’s a little chunk I found looking through old notes. The script was just full of great jokes like this:
GLEN
Guys, I’m sorry. I can’t give you that promotion.
FOREST
But we’ve been waiters here for seven years.
GLEN
There’s a reason for that.
KEVIN
Come on, Glen. You owe us. Who lent you your first and last month’s rent for your new place?
GLEN
You never did that.
KEVIN
But I would. I’d do it in a second. But I can’t without a raise. So just come on already.
Another bit I loved was when Danny’s character and my character pitch a business idea in the beginning of the movie.
Forest clicks the first slide: A photo of Forest seated on the toilet with his underwear still on.
KEVIN (CONT’D)
What if I told you my friend Forest was taking a shit in that picture?
FOREST
What am I thinking? Dropping two’s with my underwear still on? I’ve lost my goddamned mind…or have I?
He clicks the next slide: a shot of him from behind with a trap-door opening in his underwear.
KEVIN
Let us introduce you to Shidderz. It’s like the hole in your underwear for peeing out of, but for dumps. Which is also the slogan.
A slide with a picture of the underwear and text that reads: “Shidderz: It’s like the hole for peeing out of, but for dumps.”
KEVIN (CONT’D)
How many times has this happened to you? You’re stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
(MORE)
KEVIN (CONT’D)
You’re disoriented, maybe still drunk. You have a time sensitive “shit”uation on your hands. You gotta get there quick, but also the bare ass on a toilet seat in the middle of the night can be a cold cold place. Normally, this would be a problem, but not for you - you’re wearing Shidderz. Any questions?
HANES EMPLOYEE #1 raises his hand.
There was also a part that would be played by Paul Giamatti. I think this was something he just added as a last-minute addition that wasn’t even in the outline.
BRANDON, a chipper fellow in a Bozard’s staff shirt who looks identical to Paul Giamatti enters.
FOREST (CONT’D)
Paul Giamatti. No way!
Toby gives Brandon a hug.
TOBY
Hey, Brandon! Guys, this is my cousin, Brandon. He works here now.
BRANDON
And lets lay all the questions to rest now. Yes, I got reconstructive surgery to look like Paul Giamatti on that MTV show, “Make My Face Look Like That Guy’s Face.”
RAMON
That’s tight. I loved “Sideways,” fool.
BRANDON
Believe me, I love it too. Sadly, this didn’t really pan out financially as I’d hoped. So here I am with you fine folks.
FOREST
Not sure how you thought you were gonna make bank on that one, but you look like Paul Giamatti like a motherfucker. So good job.
Kevin enters fuming.
Eventually, the project faded away as many movie projects tend to do.
But, after that, any time I worked on anything, I insisted that Harris Wittels be one of the writers. He was the first name I asked for every time. When I worked on the MTV Movie Awards. Those Randy videos for Funny People. Anytime I did a dumb commercial. Any time I needed to get joke writers, I always asked for Harris to help because he was truly the best of the best. And I was so lucky that he always said yes.
Most jokes when read by “comedy people” don’t get a laugh per se. You just read it and go, “Oh that’s funny” and you understand it would get a laugh. You eventually just know how jokes are constructed, and you aren’t as easily surprised. Harris was part of that rare breed where you wouldn’t see his shit coming. His jokes were so weird, unexpected, often brilliantly dumb that they were in that ultra-exclusive club of ones that made comedy people laugh—and laugh hard. This was why Harris was such a go-to for everyone. Anyone that was ever in a writers’ room with him knew he was probably the funniest comedy writer out there. He was just a machine.
Remember the Obama-Galifianakis Funny or Die video?
GALIFIANAKIS
So, are you gonna run a third time?
OBAMA
I don’t think that’d be a very good idea. That’d be like making a third Hangover movie.
I thought that was by far the best joke in that thing and maybe anything I watched last year. I found out today that it was a Wittels original. Of course.
Harris was also known as the chuffah king. Chuffah is the random nonsense characters in a scene talk about before getting to the meat of it that leads to story. Here’s one of the best chuffah moments from Parks from the “Hunting Season” episode:
TOM
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake; that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
DONNA
I love breakfast cereal.
Harris excelled at coming up with hilarious, random nonsense like this. It was a tool that no one else seemed to have. I’m not a big podcast listener, but today I found out this was also kind of the fuel for Harris’s Foam Corner (or Harris’s Phone Corner) from Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast. Here’s a playlist that is filled with this kind of hilarious, awful nonsense from Harris: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBB4729D88A16451A.
Here’s some highlights I found on Tumblr today:
“One time I said to a guy that ‘I loved learning new things. I’m a bit of an infomaniac.’ And he thought I said NYMPHOMANIAC…so he fucked me. And I said ‘No, no, no… I said INFO. I’m an INFOmaniac’ And he said ‘Well, here’s some info…you just got fucked. Clean yourself up.’”
“I hate smoking sections. Unless it’s Jim Carrey’s The Mask. Then the
