“I’m not getting married until gay people can get married. Because I’m gay.”
Imagine being around a guy who was this uniquely silly all the damn time. That’s what it was like being in a writers’ room with Harris. It was just bullshit like this nonstop. And it was the best.
After we failed to get Olympic off the ground, we had another idea called Big Time. This was about myself and another guy becoming super-famous after a video of us saving a bunch of little black kids from a burning fire went viral. Again, the plan was that Harris and I would draft a story (this time with our friend Jason Woliner) and then Harris would bang out the script.
One of my favorite Harris stories was before writing this script we’d pitch the story to studios. In one part of the pitch, we had a bit where the two leads became quasi-famous and started attending B-level celeb parties. In describing this scene in our practice session, Harris would say, “Guys like Chris Pontius would be there.” I’d say, “Alright Harris, none of these execs know who Chris Pontius from Jackass is, don’t say that.”
At that point, he knew he had me. Every pitch—and keep in mind these are important pitches with studio heads, etc.—I would lead and then as soon as I got to that scene, he would throw it in with glee, “You know, guys like Pontius would be there.” He even dropped the Chris and was just saying Pontius. Last name only. Jason and I were dying.
Then, in an even more absurd move, he added a second part to this bit. During the pitch, he started saying, “Then the guys get famous, and they do all the talk shows: Letterman…Conan…Pontius Tonight…” To be clear, Pontius Tonight is a fictional show hosted by Chris Pontius that he made up just to make me laugh/fume. He said that execs would assume this was a real thing as to not seem out of touch. It was great. Harris would rather make all of us laugh than worry about jeopardizing these meetings.
He really seemed to relish getting laughs out of other comedians. Last night, the Parks writers staff and other friends shared Harris stories. One of my favorites was there was a serious email from NBC about a big sexual harassment seminar. Serious execs are cc’d along with Harris and the writers. Harris writes back, REPLY ALL, with this gem—now keep in mind EVERYONE is on this email, all the crew, so many higher-level producers and execs. Here we go:
NBC Mandatory Workplace Harassment Meeting
A brief reminder that we all have to attend a mandatory NBC Workplace Harassment Seminar this Friday, July 22nd at 8am here at the lot.
It will be downstairs in the basement Multi Purpose Room #1
there will be bagels.
and coffee
Thanks!
harris wittels
Will the bagels be shaped like pussy holes?
Sent from an old rotary telephone
As both our movies fizzled, Harris and I worked together on Parks and Rec. I was so thrilled when he got hired to be a writer, and the episodes where he was on set were ones I looked forward to. A writer on set would pitch alternate jokes and help you if you felt a scene didn’t work, who better than Harris in that situation? Talking to other writers on the show today, it was clear Harris’s contribution to the world of Pawnee was immense. I’m sure he wrote many of the lines that made you laugh throughout the show. Harris also eventually acted in the show as one of the animal control guys.
I also want to say, besides being so unbelievably hilarious, Harris was truly a sweet guy. He was so lovable even when saying the most disgusting things. You just couldn’t help but love him. He had the most ridiculous opinions on everything from food to dating to music, and he’d defend them to no end. He loved to make ridiculous boasts that he insisted he could achieve. Here are a few that I compiled:
• Do as good a job as Trent Reznor scoring The Social Network
• Play against the Lakers and juke NBA point guard Steve Blake
• Hit an NBA 3-pointer
• Play right field in a Major League Baseball game, and catch a pop-up, and easily throw it back to the infield
• Act as well as any actor
• Every girl has, at minimum, a 20% crush on him
He was once adamant that he could taste the difference between all the major water bottle brands—and he did! He also once claimed he could beat anyone in the entire Parks offices at arm wrestling. Mike Schur gleefully egged him on: “Really, Harris? Anyone?” Harris said, “Yeah.” Then Mike beckoned John Valerio—a giant, muscular man with enormous arms—who worked in the editing department. Harris: “Shit! I forgot about Valerio. Come on, man!” Nevertheless, Harris went through with the match, put up a good fight, and was extremely gracious in defeat.
He was also kind of an odd ladies’ man in a way. Not blessed with a tall stature and traditional handsome-guy stuff, he was able to transcend it all by being charming in an adorable/silly way. He was a romantic at heart. He once had a really big date. Someone way out of his league. His move: show up with a box of Russell Stover chocolates. You know, the brand of chocolates you get when you really want to impress a girl. He also once sent an e-vite to a girl’s heart. She declined. He once proposed to a woman on G-Chat. Genuinely.
Here’s some other random things I loved about him: He loved 311 and knew that the bassist’s name was P-Nut. He once had dinner with my parents and me in New York at a fancy restaurant and showed up in a suit that was 5 sizes too big. He looked like a kid dressing up in his dad’s clothes. Afterward, he turned to me and said, “Hey man, can you
