I looked at her, feeling something heavy in my chest. It hurt to hear her say it. But she was right. I always did this, went in too fast and too hard. Convinced myself it was what I needed, and ended up either disappointed or heartbroken. But that didn’t mean I didn’t know what I was feeling right now. That I couldn’t recognize that the things I felt for Elias were totally different than anything else I had before.
“Luce, I think this time it’s different,” I said, smiling helplessly when I thought of how good things felt with Elias. “I can just be with him. It feels so good and safe. I don’t feel the need to be two steps ahead, dictating where we go next. I’m just happy to be there. He’s so fucking brave too. Tonight we were at Saba’s and he just grabbed my head and kissed me. Right in front of her.” It was crazy to think that only happened a couple of hours ago.
“I know it doesn’t seem like much, but doing that here openly is a risky thing, and he did it for me.” I felt so fucking stupid and desperate, grasping at straws to make her understand that this was the real deal. “God, it sounds so corny when I say it, but it felt so good for someone to want me like that. So much he was willing to take chances. No one has ever done that for me.”
Lucía was so clearly worried for me that I wanted to hide. “It’s not stupid, Des. It’s great,” she said firmly. Her expression changed and she waved her hand in the direction of her laptop. “Forget all the shit I said. Enjoy him. Enjoy the trip. You deserve it. What I want is for you to be happy. Full stop. You do what you need to do, no matter what. I’m here always. You know that.”
“Thank you.” That was it. No more lecturing, no judgment. She let me know how she felt, but in the end she was happy to see me happy.
After that our conversation veered to my plans for the next weeks and my talk with my mother. I went to sleep feeling anxious about Elias and his family, but also determined to enjoy the time I had with him before we were both inevitably forced to focus on our obligations.
He wasn’t coming.
I woke up to a text from Elias saying he wouldn’t be able to take me to Entoto. My stomach clenched as I read the message. I agonized, wondering if his dad had been having a heart attack while he was messing around with me.
After almost ten minutes of trying and failing to calm down, I sat up in the bed and called him. The phone rang a few times, then disconnected. I kept the phone against my ear with my eyes closed, not ready to deal with the possibility that he might’ve hung up when he saw my number. After a second the phone buzzed with an incoming text.
I was in my father’s room. Walking outside to call you.
The relief that coursed through me was so intense, I sagged against the pillow with my phone clutched in my hand as I waited for the call. I picked up before the buzz turned into a ring.
“Hey.” I sounded winded and was so tense I had to remind myself to blink.
There was a lot of noise wherever he was, but when he spoke I could hear the exhaustion in his voice. “I’m sorry I can’t take you to Entoto today, but my father is not…well. My mom was afraid of leaving him alone, so I volunteered to stay so she and my sister could go home to rest.”
This man did not need to be worrying about my feelings right now. “No, please don’t apologize. I completely understand. How is he doing this morning?”
The long exhale on his end was almost answer enough. “His heart is fine, but they wanted to observe him overnight. He gets like this a lot, terrified he’s dying. He wasn’t in a good headspace all night and this morning.” He let out another long breath. “Wherever he is mentally, he’s not feeling safe to go home at all, and I feel completely useless.”
That sounded hard and complicated, and I didn’t think it was my place to ask more. “I’m sorry,” I said lamely.
“It is what it is.” His voice was so flat and lifeless, such a contrast from yesterday.
“Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to bring something for you? Coffee or breakfast?”
“No.” His tone was more forceful than I’d ever heard it. “My mother and sister will be here soon, and I’ll go home.”
“Oh, okay,” I answered hesitantly, realizing his voice seemed almost panicked.
Of course, he was probably worried I’d show up and out him to his family. Because this wasn’t a game, and even though Elias had been nothing but amazing and open over the past couple of days, this wasn’t just a quick trip for him. This was his home, and his life had complications.
That eye-opener was the bucket of cold water I’d needed and hadn’t gotten on my talk with Lucía. There were serious consequences to what we were doing, and I could just pack up and go home. Elias, on the other hand, could lose everything.
“I should probably let you go. Don’t want to keep you from your dad. I hope you get some rest soon,” I said, trying hard to sound normal, but failing miserably.
“Are you okay, Desta?” He was now worried about me, because my mess knew no bounds.
I tried really hard to inject some brightness in my voice. “Yes, of course. I hope your dad’s on the mend soon. I’m glad you can be there with him.”
Now he probably thought I
