I was too shocked to have any clever replies, so I took another gulp of my beer and sat there in silence. She chuckled at whatever expression I was making. “He seems happy, and maybe this thing with you will give him the push he needs to finally be a little selfish, and take his chance.”
I shook my head, unsure of what she was implying. “You mean going to the States.”
“Yes, he’s been agonizing about that for over a year. The issues with his father and then the disappointment with Byron have held him back. But he needs to go. Eventually the hiding and the secrecy are going to get to him, and that would be a shame.”
The weariness in her voice made me think she was speaking from experience. I wasn’t even sure what to say, but she was waiting for an answer, so I made myself say something.
With my eyes trained in the direction of the group, I spoke honestly. “I’m not sure I’m worth Elias potentially ruining his relationship with his parents.” I glanced at Tsehay, scowling as if she did not see eye to eye with me on that at all.
“I think that decision is not completely up to you.” Her expression softened then. “And I don’t think it would be all about you—he needs to do this at some point. Hiding like that, it eats at you. It will wear him out eventually. He needs to breathe freely for a while, at least to know what it’s like. He can’t keep using his family as an excuse not to do that.”
She sighed, as if wondering if the emotional toil of going on with this conversation was worth it. But then she moved closer, her eyes half-closed. “There is so much going on in our country. So many vital things to focus on, work toward…it’s hard to prioritize things that don’t seem essential. But we must do that too. It’s not being frivolous to think about our own happiness, our safety in here.” She tapped a finger to her temple and then somewhere by her heart. “How can we do this work we do if we are walking around with big holes in our chests?”
My eyes widened at the we. Her closeness with Elias made total sense now. She must have figured out my curiosity because she smiled as she cocked her head in the direction of the table. “I’ll tell you my story some time, Desta. Come on, let’s join the table before Sam decides we’re sleeping together.”
I rolled my eyes and as I finished my beer before glancing over at him. “He’s such an ass.”
Tsehay didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to. After a moment, we moved to join the others. All through dinner I thought about what she’d told me and decided I needed to talk with Elias. Even if we couldn’t be together, he deserved better than what he was getting from me.
The next morning I was out of my room and headed for a run just as the sun was coming up. I had my headphones on and set out on my usual route. I had actually gotten used to the weird whooping sounds the hyenas made and had a decent night of sleep. My body was eager for some exercise, and as soon as I set out, I felt awake and energized.
I ran alongside the two-lane road, which went up rolling hills. On either side of me were rows and rows of coffee bushes still half hidden in the morning mist. There were traditional houses interspersed with the orchards a bit farther in from the road. In the distance I saw green mountains looming.
It was so beautiful here.
My mom had been right—there was just something in the air. After over a month, my heart felt bigger. Like coming back to this place was a puzzle piece I’d been missing.
As I ran and the sun settled higher in the sky, I started to notice the now-familiar smells of the mornings. Smoke from wood fires were burning, boiling water to make the morning’s breakfast and tea or coffee.
I let my mind go and focused on what I knew already. I liked this work, but I wanted to do more at home. I wanted to work with LGBTQ+ youth. Children of immigrants and refugees who were trying to navigate life in the States and were probably struggling to blend those identities of who they were to their families and who they were inside. The only issue was telling my mother. Well, that and Elias, what I felt for him. Which by now I knew was not something that would just go away, and I still had no idea what to do about it. And I was scared of hurting my mom by taking the last tangible thing she had that connected her to my dad.
But I couldn’t keep that going at my own expense. Like I’d told Elias, it wasn’t fair to have all that on my shoulders. I had to do it. The mere thought of working in something different and closer to home made me feel lighter, and for the first time in days, I felt like I could take in a deep breath.
By the time I was about half a mile back to the hotel, the sun was up and I had my usual entourage of boys from the village running after me. I sprinted as far as I could for the last couple of hundred yards and doled out the stash of hard candy I had in my hoodie pocket to those who kept up to the end.
I stumbled into the courtyard and was doing some stretches before I noticed Elias had just run in
