He was looking at me like I baffled him, and right now, not at all in a good way. “Desta, I don’t understand what happened. One moment things were going so well, and the next you acted like I was a stranger. If I did something to offend you—or worse, hurt you—I’m sorry. But the way you treated me? I didn’t deserve that.”
My face burned from humiliation. He was right. He hadn’t deserved that. For all that I agonized about not wanting to put my baggage on other people, I’d done just that, and during a time when he’d needed me to be a friend.
I opened my mouth to say I was sorry, but instead I overshared.
“I didn’t want to add to what you were already dealing with. Your dad is sick, and you’ve got all kinds of decisions to make.” I lifted my hands up, not sure where I was going with my rambling. “And then there’s the fact that it’s not even safe for you to be doing this. I didn’t want to make your life harder.”
He exhaled and grabbed at his curls the way I’d seen him do whenever a conversation got intense. “So instead of telling me that, you shut me out and took away my choices? You don’t have to save me from myself or otherwise, Desta.”
With every word out of this mouth, I felt more and more ashamed of how I’d acted. He looked up at the pointed ceiling of the cottage and took a long breath before he continued. “You know what hurt the most about Byron?”
I shook my head, but he was still looking up. “It wasn’t the ugly things he said. It was that he thought he knew better than me. That he believed I couldn’t decide on my own what I did and didn’t want.” He lowered his eyes to me then, and I felt sorry for putting the hurt in them. “You don’t think I know the risks? That this has never come up for me?”
“Of course you do.”
The laugh he let out was brittle and jaded, and I wanted the earth to swallow me up. “I know exactly what it meant to reach for you. To make love to you. The risks I was taking. But I took them anyway because I wanted you. Because I thought you could see me and want me without turning me into something you had to save.”
That cut the deepest because I deserved it.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Elias.” It seemed like such a trite thing to say. “That sounds so stupid.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Figuring out what to say. How to say it. “Since I’ve been with you, I’ve begun to wonder how much longer I can go on keeping all these secrets. You’ve made think very hard about how I want to live from now on.” He sighed. “I had news to tell you when I arrived from Addis. When you barely spoke to me, it hurt.”
I was such an ass. “Elias, I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to keep apologizing.” He still held his body uncomfortably, as if he didn’t want to get too close. “I want to know that you see me as your equal.”
“Of course I see you like that,” I protested.
“Then give me the chance to decide for myself what I can and cannot have.”
We stayed there for a minute, not saying anything. He’d had good news to share with me and my behavior had ruined it for him. I leaned closer and looked at him, hoping he could see how terrible I felt. “Is it too late to tell me now?”
He let out a long breath and ran his hand through his hair, pulling on the ends again. “I’ve contacted Columbia to confirm my attendance this fall.”
I snapped my head up, unable to hide huge the smile that broke on my face. “You decided? What changed?”
He lifted a shoulder. “It’s too big of an opportunity to pass up.”
I wasn’t disappointed when he didn’t say I’d been part of the reason. I wasn’t that delusional. But I was sad I’d tainted the moment for both of us.
“It’s an amazing opportunity.” I meant it, and my head filled with the possibilities of what it could mean for both of us.
“I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t go. But it’s scary, because I know if I leave, it may be for good.” The agony in his face was complete. “I want so very much to be strong enough to come back and work on changing the things that need changing, but I’m feeling selfish.”
He shook his head hard, his tight curls swaying with the force of his movements. “It’s unfair that I have to choose between living openly as a gay man and living in my country. Because before anything else, I am Ethiopian. This place, this land is at the core of who I am, and it pains me to admit my relief when I thought about not having to hide anymore.”
I was disgusted with myself for having made an already terrible situation for Elias even worse. I was also feeling for him. Though I could never fully understand his situation, I could empathize with the struggle of choosing himself over something he loved.
I got on my knees and took his hand. “Elias,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion. “I’m sorry this decision has to be so hard for you. You’re right. It isn’t fair, but you never know—maybe with time and distance you’ll be in a better position to change things. You should be so proud of yourself. It’s a huge accomplishment.”
He was starting to smile, his hand tightly holding mine. I was desperate to relieve the tension of the last few minutes, so I went with something I knew would
